How To Help The Man I Love Accept Love And Love Himself?

[dragonfly1108]

I have been in a "relationship" with a 38 year old man for about a year now, who has been suffering with PTSD for about 20 years now... and has never successfully been through therapy and has struggled greatly and is deeply affected by his situation. He struggles greatly with physical intimacy, believing that he deserves love, and feels guilty to burden me with his problems. I push through all of this, and love him regardless, and over the years that seems to have opened him up quite a bit and he is making great progress every day.

However, he has been dealing with this for so long I fear it has become his identity, and he can only make so much progress because it is all he has ever known. To my knowledge, I am the closest he has had to a relationship in 20 years (since the incident)

I found this online the other day and it struck me in such a way, I decided to reach out. "When someone with PTSD says they don’t know if they can ever love again or ever be loved, that is a sign of the PTSD soul wound."

What I have struggled myself to see, is that this behavior he is demonstrating is not towards me, but resulting from his trauma, and he himself is suffering from a great soul wound :(

My question is, how can I support him on his healing journey, and how can I myself be more understanding of his special needs? Any advice would be greatly appreciated :)

 

[Barberian]

My question is, how can I support him on his healing journey, and how can I myself be more understanding of his special needs? Any advice would be greatly appreciated

There is a lot of life experiences from both sufferers and supporters here on this forum. I'm sure you will get a lot of good advice in this thread, but reading other threads on this forum will probably be helpful as well. The forum is basically broken down to two sections - Sufferers and Supporters. Both sections could provide valued insight.

If new questions arise, feel free to ask away. Remember, everyone has the potential to get better, but PTSD is never really "cured", just different levels of recovery.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[CrazyHorse]

What I have struggled myself to see, is that this behavior he is demonstrating is not towards me, but resulting from his trauma, and he himself is suffering from a great soul wound :(

My question is, how can I support him on his healing journey, and how can I myself be more understanding of his special needs? Any advice would be greatly appreciated :)

Welcome to the forum :-) I absolutly take my hat off for insightful supporters as yourself!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Can I ask you where you found the information on "soul wound"?

I am a sufferer and pretty much know I can't love or be loved (because I can't feel it) and have resolved myself to being alone for life.

Thanks.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I have been with a man for almost three years who still hasn't told me he loves me, just that he does care about me.He says he doeant really feel emotions. Where did you find this term, soul wound?

And welcome

 

[Meadowsweet]

Your belief that everything can become better is wonderful. But, in all honesty, if he has been suffering for 20 years, and you have been with him for one year, then you fell in love with somebody who is suffering. The person who is not suffering, doesn't exist yet, he is not that person.

It may be that he has the potential to heal. But who's to say if you will love the healed person he might become. When one person changes in a relationship, it changes the dynamic of the whole relationship. If it has been a sufferer vs supporter relationship relationship, then if he heals, the whole relationship shifts. The supporter essentially becomes redundant and has to find a new role and a new way to relate, and the sufferer has to establish a new role for themselves in relation to the other person.

I just feel that in the circumstances you've spoken about, a friendship in which he is supported from a manageable distance might work better than a relationship. It would take any pressure or expectation off him.

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Hello,

I'll try to turn myself inside out in relation to your question consistent with affording help - if I can. More than a few relationship flame outs suffered, and even accounting for the vagarities of people being different and relating to each other effectively in some ways and less so in others, I'd still have to answer for a certain deadness I often feel as well as the embrace of PTSD identity in lieu of a more positive and assertive identity consistent with being alive, telegraphing reasoned hope regarding much, etc. Hmmmmm, what to do then?

Speaking from 'the inside' and having 'walked the walk' of dissociative deadness and self-absorption, I'd personally confess that for not having faith that anything might improve or be better that I grew exceedingly sloppy with regards to what might be termed the observance of right relationship protocol. Too much time perhaps spent in therapy where conversationally I had it all my own way (i.e. no 'training' in affording reciprocal attention to another for 'it's all about ME!') has made me a highly skilled taker and less alert and aware than a should be to authentically give.

In a sense I've gorged myself on carrots and have not been throttled with a stick in a great while. I think I needed very much to be challenged to live, to transcend my legacy of self-pity if I could reasonably expect someone to love me. One always must maintain focus on an interpersonal level to the extent of being able to afford value to another for their choice to invest in a reciprocal manner - because people cannot be 'motivated' to stay purely upon the basis of pity felt.

An impaired ability to give has clouded my perceptions at times to the extent that I didn't even consider the possibility that society and social convention flat out requires that I do if any interpersonal life quality is to be secured. In sum, if all I could do was 'play victim', even as awful as all that had come before afforded me reason to be selfish and bitter, then a better life would never come into sight even as the core components might be scattered me just waiting to be configured into a reasoned and rewarding life in the present. That's a huge challenge; i.e. to suffer greatly, to calculate all possible reasons to hate, to not care, to habitually divorce self from conceptions of hope - and nevertheless push all those tantalizing reasons to dissociate aside and to choose to live. Yes - I think the challenge to live can come from without for a great many impacted by trauma haven't strictly got it within to commit such solo. We are social beings, and often 'need a little help from our friends'/confederates/lovers, etc.

In short, perhaps he can't give of himself fully on account of not bothering to look around and realistically appreciating the give/take dynamic of an equal relationship? Those who've had trauma inflicted upon them to the point where they're all but zombies circulating amongst the living are often oblivious to what riches may be within moderate reach. If there is something of a pulse there, see if he can be trained for both affording and denying various incentives. Titles exist with regards to optimizing the dynamic to the extent that such might be possible, although (and as you well know) the range of evolution may be limited and no gaurantee may be issued to the extent that what enhancements that can be secured will be enough. In some abstract 'written on the web' sense, 'I' wish you to embrace life and not too be sucked down. Open-ended stasis is not living, although you've asked for help, and some approximation of such is afforded below...

Some time ago I made an experiment of gathering up all the popular psych. works I could find consistent with developing a reasoned understanding of how I should function within the space of a (hetero) relationship. Anyone reading this might guess that there exist culturally-rooted protocols for men and women both that differ for age, location, sexual orientation, etc. Even if we despise such, these norms nevertheless exist and are ignored at out peril.

Proceeding ahead, the literature (such as it was) afforded to men 'isn't' frankly, consisting of crass pickup manuals or erring in the direction of religious-themed works that frankly did little for me. So - what to do? I ended up gathering together a collection of works intended for a female readership that basically laid out what was expected, what was tolerable, what could be justified, and importantly - what couldn't be justified out and away. Beware of the title 'The Rules' which won't help at all, although know that some titles such as 'Maybe He Just Isn't That Into You' are really not so terrible and can be reverse-engineered to help articulate and even instruct a man as to what to do to begin upon right reciprocation within the space of what life offers both here and now.

Also know too that I stumbled across works that were intended to help a woman polish up a proverbial 'diamond in the rough'; i.e. the man who possessed a fair number of quite agreeable qualities that nevertheless were buried under aspects of self that might in fact be offputting if not decidedly repellant! Of course were not strictly speaking of a man who chews tobacco incessantly and worries not where he spits, or of someone who is predisposed not to attend family events. I know the situation is much different than this, but somehow - and trusting you judge the effort 'worth it' (and wholly affording you the option to evolve your stance - 'changing your mind' cheapens what is going on mind you), I think you sense for reading this that the orientation akin to 'overhaul and refurbishment' beyond self-obsessive trauma identity constitutes the only reasoned line of advance if my meaning is understood.

I think what the situation you describe calls for is a blend of the review of such works combined with all you know concerning trauma. Some works exist regarding PTSD relationships, although I cannot attest to their worth for I haven't read such. I suspect balancing an intake of them with some topical works that might be employed to instruct your man as to what might be secured in the present regardless of all that has transpired before will afford you the performance uptick and functionality gains you doubtlessly deserve and he - if he may be guided and instructed (perhaps), might stand to discover and even welcome. Kind regards to you both...


M.

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Inconsequential Part II then...,

Usually I try to edit what errors invariably creep in across my copy, whereas if the post is too long, the editing function becomes rather unstable. In light of this, I ask that the scattering of mistakes seen above be worked through in the knowledge that I really didn't wish to telegraph that I'm an idiot. UGH! Double-UGH! Thanks...


M.

 

[Luke]

This person may care for & about you deeply. For someone whom may or may not have experienced a plethora of physical &/or mental traumas, it may (repeat... may) be especially disconcerting to give or especially receive affection. Merely because it may be perceived as a "weakness" of sorts. The last bastion of his armor & defenses as they pertain to the world at large.

One poster mentioned the idea that he may be "unfixable" &/or an exude an entirely different persona if & when he were somehow "fixed" or acquainted with what society deems normal behavior, & boundaries of affection & touch... But quixotic as it may be, I tend to disagree. It may well be an astute warning however depending on this particular individual.

That which makes or deems the armor necessary, does not necessarily forge or swing the sword.

Simply because he is "wounded", it does not make him a barbarian. Or whatever it is I'm trying to say.

I think the most imperative & insightful information you may garner from these forums may be the proclivity for those afflicted by PTSD to "push" & "pull" away from that or those they may cherish or value most, & how powerful that urge can be at times. Simply because it can be a defense mechanism they have long been conditioned as an equivocation of a mental or physical defense they probably no longer need but cannot jettison from their mentality. A means to prevent the prevarication of their past & it's danger, even if neither are relevant to or with you.

I cannot speak for this person, but... I cannot speak for this person, & if I did it would be based on unfounded postulation. It comes down to educating yourself & gathering enough information in order to identify those proclivities without inciting them, & finding some way to have him speak for himself (without the armor) & directly to YOU... & maybe that's all ANYONE can do, but God bless you for trying.

 

[Luke]

I wrote that last post, still slightly inebriated from an afternoon/evening outing, on a portable device while in the throes of physical exertion. So, as a result, it may be about as clear as the beaded droplets of sweat on that instrument's touch screen. I will try to make a tad more sense & I will especially avoid using "especially" twice in the same sentence!

Not all defense mechanisms are as overt as physical avoidance, confrontation, verbal outbursts, or otherwise typically abrupt behaviors.

For example, & speaking only for myself: the act or art of equivocation (ambiguous language to conceal a truth or avoid commitment) & prevarication (speaking or acting in an evasive manner) can be defense mechanisms. Usually (personally speaking) they are used in that order. I will be ambiguous, & if that fails to divert or dissuade &/or allow me whatever my necessary "wiggle room" happens to be at the moment, I will often become evasive.

Then, they (equivocation & prevarication) just tumble around, over & over again, like clothes in a dryer or whatnot. Until the person who is engaging me finally just stops the dryer & throws in the towel on the whole wrestling for a straight answer in the ardors of such an attentive vs. elusive match. (& Yes, I just kinda mixed metaphors). They (e&p) may be utilized not only with or against another person, but also with or against myself. I rarely ever lie. I am a very honest person... which doesn't necessarily mean I'm not fairly full of sh*t a good deal of the time. This, tumbling of meanings & circuity, is a defense mechanism of mine.

That, & because I find it safer not to recognize certain implications or feelings as they flow to or fro in what I fear may be intrusive or (gulp) intimate ('cause sadly, at this point I have to acknowledge that I often can't even handle the threat of intimacy) interactions, I am adroit at a deconstructive philosophy where I can analyze everything to the point where it's pieces are so small... they can be reconstructed into something, some meaning, or into some some other (lesser) value rather than that which was initially intended. Some idea of a transpiration, or inference, or implication that is far less obtrusive & easier to disregard, reducing it's value or consequence as a result. In this way, I can tell myself I may have misconstrued all but the most direct & conspicuous speech, acts, or intentions. Subsequently I do not directly respond to or act on them, or even truly recognize them at their initially intended value or poignancy, except as a possibility or paradigm of such a possibility.

Yeah, I do all that, & very quickly. Too bad that aptitude seldom serves a greater use.

I was probably forced to hone these defenses as a child. So, in this sense my intellect when performing this equivocation, prevarication, & deconstructive analyzation, may be somewhat childish.

Maybe it's, & I, am just childish. It's plausible that I'm occasionally just a formidably masculine scared little wuss-child, who's deathly afraid of intimacy. Afraid of being hurt. Afraid of (& in my case I mean only emotionally) hurting someone because of that fear. Afraid of the exposure, afraid of the possible questions, afraid of the possible reactions, absolutely fraught with fear over everything & anything that has to do with it... & the longer I'm away from it, the longer I equivocate & prevaricate & deconstruct my tumbling dirty &/or clean laundry in that metaphorical dryer... the smaller I feel, & the more I shrink... away from people whom may seek that intimacy with me.

So... People, particularly women, inevitably grow weary of & impecunious in spending their time, & pushing there existential "coins" down my evasive throat, to negotiate or operate my overly complicated & phlegmatic machine. They throw in the towel & rightfully walk away.

They rightfully walk away.

... Which is not to say I haven't or don't care about these people deeply. Very deeply.

 

[MoeX]

Luke, That was so insightful for me. Thank you so much for that.

 

[Luke]

I'll just add this... There is a misconception that "intimacy" always means or refers to sex or some considerately physical sexual act. Obviously, it would fit the broad definition of "physical intimacy". However, for someone who can second, third, or seventeenth guess his every physical move in what may or may not become a "physically intimate" situation... something as simple or as seemingly unassuming or frivolously unimposing as merely holding someone's hand to steady them as they walk through wet or uneven footing or standing next to them with their hand brushing their own can be a ridiculously anxious contemplation... especially if there is any "tension" (albeit positive) about the moment. Often it is those subtle, simple, miniscule, yet poignantly giant leaps that have crippled me beneath the surface. At times, I have even mildly dissociated. In my mind, simple touches accompanied by a long gaze, first kisses, & gently meaningful caresses are far more daring & intimate then wild & reckless physical encounters or sex. I have felt more overwhelming disconcertion in intimate moments of intensive eyes & affectionate touch, then I every have in full-steam ahead & voraciously consensual sexual encounters.

I'd surmise PTSD sufferers will occasionally (just speaking outta my orifice here) either paralyze themselves with apprehensions & doubts, or contrarily, just display a careless or aloof or even impetuous attitude towards whatever is going on. This may be either an overcompensation &/or exhaustion from & to this apprehensive process that leaves them relatively reckless with abandon, or often it is merely a subterfuge or an amiable facade.

Maybe, & perhaps this individual is decidedly different in this regard & this is all just moot &/or irrelevant, but perhaps... you could work on simple touches. Simple intimate moments. As a way of easing him back into a comfort & acceptance of the intimacy he has denied. Holding a hand, a head on his chest or shoulder, simple touching... that most people take for granted. A little tip however, depending on his past, you may want to be more cautious in public. One of my issues stems from being fawned & fondled (against my will) in public by someone who would tell my they "loved" me for the benefit of keeping up appearances & parading me like a piece of property, then castigate & abuse me mercilessly when in private. So, I have a harder time trusting someone enough to where I can be comfortable with even mild PDA's. I don't know how I can explain that to people. I almost never don't.

My will was repeatedly violated & for so long, I have an irrational fear of inadvertently violating someone's physical &/or mental comfort or will accidentally by initiating undesired physical contact. I can't even elucidate how suffocating that terror can be for me. It goes far beyond the customary "rejection" most people fear. It kinda crushes any chance of physical intimacy (even amongst friends) without a (relatively salient) invitation or a successfully preceding incident (that that they initiated themselves), which has given me some bit of mental justification or encouragement.

You know the old adage, "It's like riding a bike"? Well, I'm a good bike rider, but without experience or use, both the bike & I get rusty, To the point where it seems like a lot of work & upkeep to just be able to get a grip, or hold a hand, or even receive or participate in any intimate moment such as I've explained. Sometimes, both & the bike & I both appear to be somewhat broken, if not occasionally inoperable.

Simple things. My (possibly ludicrous & totally unfounded) advice would be. Go back & build up, or at least work in, simple things. Simple intimate touches & gestures to improve this individual's comfort with his own physicality & how they may relate to his reticent emotions.

OK. I think I've overwrought the essence of this whole thread. I suppose it struck a chord, so I sounded off. So, this is the calmly expressed diatribe of my pathetic emasculation I suppose, but maybe, hopefully, this helps someone somehow.