Relationship How To? I Need Some Advice

[Lavantae Cartwright]

So those of you who helped read my last post thing have gotten a lot better. He has come out out this PTSD depression and things are going great!!

But he just told me today that one of the marines in his platoon died. I'm not really sure what to say but I have a feeling the funeral will trigger something that will cause him to go back into the depression. I can kind of already hear it in his voice. I know I'm going to give him some time.

But how do I help him get through this? I know losing someone as a civilian is hard but I can't imagine losing someone you fought beside. Does anyone have any pointers?

 

[kahlan]

My N recently lost a good friend he served with to suicide and has been pretty much isolating for a month and a half. Ask if there's anything you can do, if not give him space he needs to process. That's about the best I can really offer right now.

 

[StarChild]

But how do I help him get through this?

Hi Lavantae, I read your former thread entirely... May I be honest with you? The question you asked above, does it really mean this, or does it mean "How can I help/prevent him NOT to go back in his depression cave?.. I'm just asking. So please tell me if I'm wrong.

And in general, I'd say, you can't help him get through, in this case. Loss is loss. And he has to deal with his loss in his own way. But there's another thing I don't understand: If you want to help him, why not ask him, instead of asking others what it might be, or what they think, he thinks/feels and so forth.

I ask you this, because I read your relationship is quite new. So NOW is the time for laying cornerstones, not later. And one of the most important things is communication. Talk face-to-face to the person you care about. And if this isn't possible or quite rare, then you have to decide, what it is you really want of a relationship, and if your needs are met or not.

Because "lust" as you described your first impression of him is of course a great part in a relationship (in my opinion!), but if that's all, then it's far from being everything a good relationship has to give.

I don't know where I read or heard this statement, but I like to share it with you: "It's great and wonderful to have someone who loves to go to bed with you, but it's a bigger gift, if a person loves to wake up with you in the morning."

 

[Lavantae Cartwright]

@SweetLullaby it should have been called that.

Its like this, I resorted to this because all of you guys helped me last time and I took the advice and it worked. Its differently more than just lust. I truly care for the guy but I've never had a real relationship; also the fact that we live so far apart make it hard for me to do the normal boyfriend things. So I'm just trying to get some advice from people who have been there, "learn from my elders" so to speak. And I know you are right to talk to him but like most of the people said that service men tend to shut down. I'm honestly shocked that he even told me that. (In my head that means that he is trying to communicate, which means he wants us to work)

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'd take my cues from him... he may want support and somebody to lean on, or he may want to isolate. It takes awhile to learn how your sufferer reacts to certain situations, and then once you think you have it figured out, they throw you for a loop.

I would just unobtrusively let him know that you are there if he needs you, then back off on the topic. Let him be the one who brings it up. No need to bring up anything he is not ready to deal with when he is already stressed.

That's a hard part about being a supporter, especially if you are a "fixer" and want to help your loved ones. Things that might help or cheer up somebody else might totally aggravate somebody with PTSD.