Relationship How To Let Him Go?

[Snowangel1225]

What advise would you all give me???? hang on a little longer and see how his therapy goes or get the heck out????

I guess it depends on what you mean by 'meanness'. If it is really bad, then I would suggest separating yourself and your child from him until he gets a better grip on his behavior. It is not fair to you and especially not fair to your daughter to expose her to this. You can always work on reconciliation after he starts showing significant improvement and the desire to continue to work on bettering himself. The safety and well-being of yourself and your child come first.

 

[Rosanne]

Thank you for your response......What I mean by "meanness" is that he finds fault with everything we do.....and i mean everything..he gets angry and yells, slams doors, bangs on the table.....yells some more. He is not physically abusive, but definitely verbally abusive. The real "him" appears about 4 days a month (on an average).....its really insane. We are planning on have yet another talk tonight about the last argument we had 2 days ago. I think I am going to ask him to move out for a little while. I just keep going back and forth with this.....will he get better living by himself without all of "life" irritants or does he need me to be there for him....(when I say "life's" irritants....yes...I mean me and my daughter). Its sad that we seem to be in his way all the time.

 

[Snowangel1225]

will he get better living by himself without all of "life" irritants or does he need me to be there for him.

Well, you have been there for him....how's that working? I think separation would be a good idea. Verbal abuse may not show on the outside, but can have life-long effects on the receiver. Protect yourself and your daughter, both of you should get back into therapy if you haven't already and take care of yourselfs. It's hard, but this is his battle to fight and maybe knowing he could lose his family will be the incentive he needs to keep working towards a healthier life.

 

[Rosanne]

Thank you for your kind words. I don't talk to anyone about any of this and I think I just needed to hear someone tell me what I already knew and felt.

I just had a thought.....yes another one...lol What if I haven't been there for him in the "right way". He was only diagnosed.....Is there a right way to be there for someone with this disorder?

 

[Snowangel1225]

PTSD is not an excuse for being abusive. That is a choice he makes and you accept by staying with him. He needs to get a grip on that before you can be there for him.

 

[SRE7267]

@Rosanne

To me, it sounds like you know what you want to do, but would like some support in that decision and to be told that it will all be okay if you follow through with that decision. So, I want you to know that no matter which way you decide to go, it's going to be okay -- you are going to be okay. To have had your son move out and choose to live with his father over your household because it was too much for him definitely speaks loudly to the environment in which you are and have been living in. Getting a PTSD diagnosis is definitely a good thing in that you can work with that... but the diagnosis itself it not necessarily going to change anything, unless your husband is able to take the diagnosis and really work on improving things for himself... and that is just so much easier said than done. This is just the beginning of what will be a very long road of recovery and learning to cope with his symptoms. As you've already been experiencing for the past 8 years of marriage with him, it's a wild, crazy and emotional roller coaster and just because a doctor was able to diagnosis it as PTSD doesn't mean that the roller coaster now ends. I'm glad you are reading about it and encourage you to read and research more, continue working with your therapist because there are definitely things that you can do on your end to help in reducing the chance of triggering your husband, learning how to communicate effectively, making sure you are taking care of yourself in the process, learning about what he goes through and experiences, etc, etc. Knowledge is power -- but if I were to be 100% truthful with you -- even though you could do everything possible, the change in your dynamic is 50% him and therefore he ALSO has to put forth his best efforts day in and day out to manage his PTSD in order for there to be real change.

If you are already at the point where you feel that you need to take a step back from the relationship right now, then you make the decision that is best for you and your children in this moment. Holding out hope that things could change -- well, you could be waiting a very long time. I'm not saying give up -- I'm saying that if you feel strongly enough that you need some space right now, that it's okay to take that space so you can figure out the things you need to figure out for you and your children. This will also allow your husband some time as well -- it' not going to be easy -- this could be really difficult for him to take so in my opinion, it's important to remind him that you are making this decision to hurt him, but to help in the healing process of ALL of the members of your family. If you haven't completely lost hope in your marriage, then be truthful and honest with him about that -- that you WANT to see things improve and that you still care for him and love him and that you will be there for him but that you just need a little time and space to help in changing your dynamic to be a healthier one.

I wish you and your family the best as you move forward.

 

[Rosanne]

Thank you....Thank you and thank you again......I will keep you posted on what happens.

 

[Gingerly]

Any one of these posts could be mine. We all have such similar situations with our Sufferers and our break-ups. I sympathize with all of you. Why do we hang on to false hope? I wish I had the magic answer.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

In reading this I had a realization. It's not that I'm letting him go. He's already gone. It's that I have to let go of the dreams of what could have been.

I don't think he ever was here..I know he wanted to be, but he couldn't. It's almost as if his PTSD stood between us like a wall. Even though I was the only person ever he has told about what he's been through to cause it. :(

 

[MoeX]

@DeedeeRSM i feel that way sometimes. Like Im in the relationship with a shadow. After 4 years he still holds back so much from me. I love him and I know in my heart that he understands that he needs and loves me and this is where he should be. Sometimes he drifts but he keeps coming back. I've started to wonder if thats a good or bad thing.

 

[Gingerly]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. Reading these posts is so helpful. My ex Sufferer will speak to me on the phone if I call him. We have spoken an average of once a week since he unexpectedly ended the relationship 2 1/2 months ago. I love talking to him since I miss him so much and he says the same thing to me. But, Is this healthy for me? It is so hard to let go completely. I don't think I can do it right now. For some, you have no choice since your ex won't speak to you. Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise.

 

[Snowangel1225]

For some, you have no choice since your ex won't speak to you. Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise.

It certainly doesn't feel like a blessing. It feels like they have completely washed their hands of you and walked away without a second thought. Whether true or not, we have no way of judging. For a lot of us, the relationship went from being very good to just being gone. Appreciate the fact that your ex will still talk to you. Many of us would give nearly anything to have that.