How To Spot A Predator

[joeylittle]

My version of all this is simpler.

When you get a conflicting feeling in your gut - listen to it. Act on it. Immediately. The end.

There's no way to make a comprehensive list of traits - because 99% might conform, but there will always be the 1%. And truth be told, it could easily be 50-50.

What we control is our ability to listen to ourselves. You can be terrible at reading people, but you still might get that funny feeling that something is off.

f*ck talking yourself out of it. Listen to it.

That's my opinion.

 

[Sideways]

@shimmerz - yep, ditto what you just said.

And the thing is, it's actually more useful to attack the problem from the "what am I doing/not doing" position. I can change my behaviour, I can protect myself better (shouldn't have to, but se la vie). But I can't do didley squat about him and how he's behaving.

 

[illusionist]

I have known many ' easy ' woman, myself included, who have settled with a real man, who has 'lowered himself ' to love and respect us...who help us grow into people who have a voice, and opinions...and encouraged to use them.



....a few years ago I would have read that, and believed you, as I felt that I was the doormat to be walked over, and didn't deserve to be treated with respect, as well as wanting a life that was simple, and non confrontational. Maybe this is why you have come to this conclusion?....more about how you view yourself? Rather than how others view you?

 

[Anarchy]

A real man is never afraid to openly show interest in a woman.

What if he doesn't want to blow the chances of a lasting friendship with her?

If he introduces himself by hitting on her, something might happen, or she might just say "not interested" and in my limited experience, that second answer pretty much blows the chances of a non physical friendship developing after that.

There are also plenty of times that I encounter people who I would be interested in enjoying something physical with, but for a variety of circumstances that would not be appropriate - for example;

I'm meeting them in a professional capacity and need to maintain professional distance,

we live too far apart to do anything more than a one night stand and I'm not emotionally up to one night stands,

They're a gay woman or a straight man (I am still occasionally attracted to men, even though I gave that side up a long time ago as I found that the males I seem to go for, or be drawn to, don't tend to be particularly nice people). I was chatting to a woman a few days ago, and was showing a little bit of interest; She put it beautifully, she said her parents are Daily Fail readers, but she's the pink sheep of the family...

 

[shimmerz]

When you get a conflicting feeling in your gut - listen to it. Act on it. Immediately. The end.

You know, I think I get what the OP is grasping for here. I think I am not quite over this 'how did I not SEE that in that person?'

And I have thought about your posting JL for some time, so it is not reactive and I don't mean any disrespect. But I think for those of us who learned to dissociate strongly at a young age, we don't actually 'get that feeling in our gut' because we dissociate almost immediately. So when we finally realize what has happened to us all of our lives (attraction to abusers), we try to intellectualize it.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I believe that *some* predators are extremely charming. They sweep you off your feet so fast that they make your head spin. They overwhelm you with their kindness, charm, and doing everything that they can to win you over in a very short time. Once they have you, then the game starts for them and the abuse starts for the victim.

I also agree with @joeylittle. That gut feeling is something to really listen to. Even just the little things, the smallest of things that don't seem to add up, DONT brush them off, or think that it's ok. Because most of the times our gut feelings are the *red flags* waving....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

A real man would never lower himself to let easy women get close to him.

I am one of those "easy" women, because of my trauma. That means that a "real man" shouldn't let me get close. No wonder why I'm still single!

This is your list and no one else's but yours. Your list isn't my list and my list isn't yours or anyone's but mine.

And it is dangerous to think a preditor looks anyway but NORMAL! That's how preditors prey or can prey, they look so normal that no one suspects.

But I think for those of us who learned to dissociate strongly at a young age, we don't actually 'get that feeling in our gut' because we dissociate almost immediately.

I agree. I also don't have a gut instinct. For me, its not so much of disassociation as it is just simply being so young that I was taught to ignore it so young that today I can't seem to feel it.

It is something I need to learn again but I dont have much of a "gut instinct" about much. I can feel "my gut" slightly at times but mostly its be weary of everyone and its my head trying to figure out if something is ok or not right, which is exhausting!

 

[joeylittle]

So when we finally realize what has happened to us all of our lives (attraction to abusers), we try to intellectualize it.

I think that's fair - and don't disagree at all. The only thing I'd add to it is - even if you notice that you are intellectualizing a behavior - you can still learn to recognize that as a warning and just trust that signal, even if you don't know what it means yet. So, if you find yourself being drawn to someone abusive, and then they do a thing that you can objectively say is just a little off, or a little strange, a little different - but you recognize it as being common to behaviors you are familiar with from past relationships - instead of explaining it away with believing that it's something that just happens to you, for some reason, you deserve that treatment, or incite that treatment....what ever piece of self blame comes into the picture - you can have permission to say 'no. I don't care. Somethings off and I'm going'.

I don't mean to say that it's easy to do that, not at all. Only that it can be a simple thing to have to recognize.

I think my post was inspired by the fact that there are lists, and books, and volumes written on how to identify bad people...the signs and signals that one can watch for. And I have done my fair share of living through abusive situations. When I look back at them, there is usually a moment I can pinpoint where something in me - even if it was my brain, not my gut - said 'nope'. But I didn't always act on it right away - I didn't think I was allowed to, for whatever reason.

And yes - for people with profound levels of repetitive trauma from infancy - I don't think what I'm saying necessarily applies, until they've been able to get some rounds of help and start to accept what is Ok and NotOk, in human interactions.

And even then...there's still going to be that one predator somewhere out there who is just very very good at being the destructive force that they are. That likelihood is always present, no matter how much one prepares for it.

So - summing up - I think I'm trying to say that for me - big complex lists of things that bad people do can be good for reflection and analysis, but they aren't ever going to be as practical as the simple guideline of listening to yourself, and not discounting your own warning signal. Even if it's in your brain, not your gut. Don't explain it away, don't equivocate it, just respond to it.

That's what I wish I had known.

I don't intend any of this to be argumentative, or dismissing of what you wrote, @shimmerz - and I agree very much with your pushback. Not everyone has a 'signal' that is tuned to the right frequency, and that can be (is often) the result of early and pervasive abuse. I would still recommend that people focus on re-calibrating their signal, instead of trying to memorize long lists that might not reflect every situation anyway.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I would still recommend that people focus on re-calibrating their signal, instead of trying to memorize long lists that might not reflect every situation anyway.

I do fully agree with that. There is no list in the world as good as yourself and your time is MUCH better spent learning to develop your "gut instinct" and tuning it then it is reading these sort of lists, which is off anyway as a preditor, a "good" one anyway (for lack of a better word), looks nothing but NORMAL which is what allows them to prey as they do.

A "good" preditor is much like a chamelon, looking much like the society around him/her.

 

[shimmerz]

even if you notice that you are intellectualizing a behavior

Really great point here. Thank you.

For myself, I find that things fly right by me. Tonight for instance, there is a new person in town who seems lovely and charismatic. We played cards with him tonight. I totally missed the part where he invited the 72 year old man with MS over tomorrow. Sounds great right? I lose interest with the conversation or float away or something and didn't even recognize the next sentence which said 'Oh, and bring your shovels and stuff and we will dig out a garden'. My SO and I discussed it afterwards and I completely didn't put that together.

My question is - how could I have missed that? A few other things about this guy I have totally missed on as well....

I don't intend any of this to be argumentative, or dismissing of what you wrote,

Nope, no worries, I don't get that impression at all JL.

That's what I wish I had known.

Me too. My quality of life would have been much better if I had known any of this in my younger years.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

lose interest with the conversation or float away or something

Protection maybe?

Its different for me as Im quiet and watch and listen, I hear everything and notice everything (which is part of the issue with my dad & step mom as Im mad at them for things they said that they never remember saying...though did).

But I do that for protection. Its how I learned how to be in the world early in. Suspect everyone, trust no one.

So maybe when someone triggers your "gut instinct" you drift away to protect yourself? So never feel it and all you know is you've drifted?

 

[EveHarrington]

I hate to point out the obvious but some people are perpetually clueless, have zero ability to determine out if behavior is "bad", and no intuition/gut feelings. This is the exact reason why it's a good idea to discuss COMMON ------not UNIVERSAL----- traits of predators. IMHO most of you are throwing the baby out with the bath water because you can find one trait in the OP that doesn't describe all predators and using that as an excuse to discredit the entire OP. Sometimes I really hate the group think here. It's maddening.

Signed,
(Probably) the only one who thought Void had a point in his rape post. (I never went back after my final reply as the thread was spiraling into oblivion.)

PS. I totally get it. Most of the reaction IMHO is because people are taking personal offense to what was said rather than seeing it has validity.