How to stop beating yourself up?

[fyredrift23]

Hi Kas_Can_Fly,

I've sorta "been there, done that," but I also still have my struggles with self-hatred and cyclical negativity (that leads to depression spirals).

I'm so sorry to hear of your suffering, though :sorry: You aren't "making me sad" or bummin' me out, I just know a little of what you're experiencing, and I know it feels awful. I definitely agree that therapy could be a very good way for you to better understand how you feel and why. I really hope & pray that you get off the waitlist soon! :tup:

If I'm understanding you correctly, you would love to be able to question and de-bunk some of these severely negative and damaging statements you hear played over & over in your mind, but you don't know how? Like, at the end of the day, despite knowing the root of most/all of these kinds of statements is due to some outside influence, it's still you talking? I think what's happening is rumination, so your head gets one idea and seriously runs with it, connecting to more & more ideas that just make you feel like shit even faster, and stay with that horrible feeling that much longer.

It's a terrible spot to be in, terrible, I do know, and I want you to know that you can begin to move out of that space. You, honestly, already are since you're being proactive by coming to the forum and sharing what's been troubling you. Be proud of that! You are not "seeking attention" or "fishing for compliments" or "trying to manipulate others into pitying you." You are taking care of yourself. You're paying attention to what hurts, and you're making moves to help lessen the pain. Excellent! :woot:

Your own mind has turned against you, yes? Please, correct me if I'm wrong. I'm not trying to assume your feelings at all. It seems like the smarter you are, the easier it is for your mind to start ruminating (and continue indefinitely!). Whether you wanna give yourself credit for the intelligence you possess or not, logic says that rumination can't exist without some semblance of smartness ;)

So how do you make it stop? For me, I kinda turn my "Depression Monster," as I call it, on its head. I turn whatever it says into an experiment of sorts. I respond to the questions with other, better questions, and I transform "assertions" into statements of doubt.

So, for example:
D.M.: "Fyredrift, you are so stupid!"
Me: "...Am I? How so? What makes you say this? What makes you so sure, so right? How in the hell do you know that? What if you're wrong?"
D.M.: "..."
lol, see? Like, I kinda get nasty right back at it. I tear it up. All that bullshit is just that, bullshit :poop:. When I question those "assertions," they reveal themselves to be the mushy, gross, smelly things that they are. And, last I checked, we dispose of waste, right?

Another example:
D.M.: "Fyredrift, why in the world would anyone want to get to know you?"
Me: "Well, why wouldn't they? Aren't I a likable person? If not, then why? Why aren't people capable of and willing to befriend me, learn more about me? What's stopping them, exactly?"
Like, one possible retort I can think of the Depression Monster giving me is: "You're not perfect! When people realize that, they'll ditch you, cuz why would they want to be around a loser?"
Me: "Well, no, you're correct. I'm not perfect. I know that. And no one else in this world is either, so what's your goddamn point? Why would they be expecting me to be perfect when they, themselves, aren't? Why wouldn't people accept me, faults and all? They'd ditch me just cuz I'm not perfect? You honestly believe that? That's super stupid. You're a dumbass. And you think this 'lack of perfection' makes me a loser? You mean like you? Piece of shit. Get out my face *flicks monster off*"
And so on, lol.

I'm not trying to lessen the severity of any of this by making it comical, I just kinda couldn't think of another way to show you what I meant, lol.

Um, I hope this stuff makes sense, Kas, and I really hope it helped in some small way!
Keep going, you can do this :tup:

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Um, I hope this stuff makes sense, Kas, and I really hope it helped in some small way!

It helped in a massive way, I'll reply properly later. Thank you.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

If I'm understanding you correctly, you would love to be able to question and de-bunk some of these severely negative and damaging statements you hear played over & over in your mind, but you don't know how? Like, at the end of the day, despite knowing the root of most/all of these kinds of statements is due to some outside influence, it's still you talking?

I think it may have originated from external sources but I actually have no idea but right now they're most certainly coming from me. I hate myself. Another part of me hates myself and I also hate that other part of myself. There may be more parts to hate and more parts hating, but it is most definitely coming from inside.

I think what's happening is rumination, so your head gets one idea and seriously runs with it, connecting to more & more ideas that just make you feel like shit even faster, and stay with that horrible feeling that much longer.

I think that is definitely the case but I can't be sure those aren't rational, linear conclusions, but either way I feel shitter faster and the feelings are more and more present.

Your own mind has turned against you, yes? Please, correct me if I'm wrong. I'm not trying to assume your feelings at all. It seems like the smarter you are, the easier it is for your mind to start ruminating (and continue indefinitely!).

This is 100% accurate. I know that I over think and that is more than likely the cause of most of this. I know that I link things together and think in patterns. I know that this thought process is habitual and I realise that if I stopped thinking that those feelings too would stop. I just don't know how. I also agree entirely that the smarter you are the more you over think. I think in this way at least I am definitely smart - I don't think I am in lots of other ways, but I know I am in this sense.

You're paying attention to what hurts, and you're making moves to help lessen the pain.

Unfortunately by paying attention it hurts more, but it's already so painful I have no hope in hell of pretending it doesn't exist.

So, for example:
D.M.: "Fyredrift, you are so stupid!"
Me: "...Am I? How so? What makes you say this? What makes you so sure, so right? How in the hell do you know that? What if you're wrong?"
D.M.: "..."
lol, see?

My problem is if I question it goes more like this:
D.M: You're a bad person
Me: Am I? Yes, I suppose I am
D.M: Wait, what? Ok. How are you a bad person?
Me: I am self-centred, stuck in the past, I use my problems as a constant excuse
D.M: Do you really?
Me: Yes, because other wise people wouldn't know that I have PTSD and I'd keep it properly hidden

In my scenario maybe the Depression Monster started it, but then even the DM didn't mean it that much but I'm still attacking while it questions me.

I'm not trying to lessen the severity of any of this by making it comical,

I have the ability to laugh this off most of the time, like I know how stupid it is to be this negatively impacted by nothing. Laughing it off has become a way that I can lighten the situation, especially if I realise how harsh I am being to myself, I laugh that I never give my self a break and how now I'm beating myself up for beating myself up. However this is true and even my laughter becomes painful. I just wish it would stop. I so wish it would stop.

Thank you.

 

[Frida]

I just signed up to his forum after reading this thread......I have to say thank you. I'm sorry you're going through this, because I know what it's like, I go through it everyday.........I have no ideas or answers, just thank you.