How's Your Day Been? Each Day is Different, So Make Your Mark Daily

[goingonhope]

In some trouble today. Was awoken to some bad, frightening news, news I don't even feel safe talking about, for whatever crazy reason I just don't feel safe mentioning it now.

Then I took some actions that I now fear might sabotage a nice Thanksgiving day tommorrow. I didn't know what to do. Looked at pictures reminding me of the hell of yester-years and then called my mother, as I haven't spoken with her in a couple of wks. and quite likely she has no place to go for Thanksgiving. So I called to invite her over our house today and for ham dinner this evening. So what was my reasons for calling her? Well, consciously I know some. I feel terribly guilty that she'll be alone on Thksgn and I hadn't made any attempt to invite her anywhere. 2nd, I fear that she's up to resenting me again, as she hasn't called here much, if this be the case, I fear I must manipulate this likelihood, and try to prevent this from happening, because if this happens, I'm f'n Scared! And, 3rd, I have pictures of hers to return and hope to borrow some more.

Now, how's the day been, well let's just say it's not what of my better ones.

 

[GR-ass]

back again.

Funeral was interesting. It took a while for me to let me feel, even now I'm still pretty distant.

I was close to my grandad and I still haven't cried for him. I understand that he has gone, that I won't ever have his place to be safe at again, but I can't feel the loss.
I wish I could feel it. I know I cut it'll retrigger my emotions, I just don't want to cut. I need to find a way of feeling without having to harm myself first.

 

[becvan]

Not too bad of a day. I'm a little off today and not sure why (well sort of.) I've been having nightmares from hell. (you know the ones where you soak your bed in sweat and are up for about 20 hours afterwards??? those lovely ones.) I think they are because I was served with papers to testify in court for the threats.. The nightmares started the night I got them... so logic says that is what it is from. My face is completely raw. I have some weird rash that itches and burns all over it. I think it is either stress or an allergy and can't make up my mind which one. Yes the rash just started too.. so might be connected with the nightmares??? no idea. Anyways.. guess what I did today???? I walked my dog. Yep I did. First time since.. um June or something crazy like that??? I even did it at night!!! I got very creeped out at the end of it and couldn't wait to get home but I did recognize that I was just having an axiety attack. So I think I did well anyways. I was out for about half an hour. I'm very proud of myself!!!

Anyways hope you are all having a great day!

Bec

Just found out that I am NOT getting any more funding (I was expecting over 1500 by Friday.) I now need a job as of yesterday due to bills!!! My stress level just went through the freaking roof... I have bills piling up as I speak and a second mouth to feed... wonderful thing to discover right before bed... I have no idea what the answer is... Have to start hounding for a job ASAP.. before the phone, gas etc.. gets cut off.. damn it

 

[anthony]

Bec, also mighty proud of you here too... well done. Sorry to here about the funding stuff.... yuk for anxiety.

 

[GR-ass]

Well emotions are finally hitting. Think I've cried for the last hour.

I feel like every emotion has been scraped raw, every memory I have of what my brother did has been flashing in front of me. The tastes, the feel. It makes me feel so sick.
I can't breathe. I have to go I have to calm down. I wish he were dead, I wish he could feel every moment of terror, every pain that he put me through. I wish my brother would be punished, I wish there was a punishment that fits what he did to me. I wish I could heal. He makes me feel as if every attack on me is happening again. Every time he is close to me. It's so much worse now I living in the same house as him again. How the hell can I keep living in this house when the very walls remember. It's tearing me apart and I don't know if I can make the pieces fit again.

I'm utterly terrified of him but I just don't know where to go. I have nowhere left to run. I just want to feel safe again.

 

[cookie]

praying for you, cass, breathe, you are safe--you would not let that happen again, you are not a child now. these are things i tell myself when the flashbacks come and come. hang in there!
cathy

 

[anthony]

GR, there are womens shelters in Townsville that you could contact and discuss with them possibilities of support, funding and housing with. Maybe they can help you get out of the environment off being with him.

 

[goingonhope]

Tough start to the morning, but did things right and this soon changed, our family went to mother-in-law's house for Thanksgiving dinner and we'all seemed to enjoy ourselves and each other. Abruptly and briefly irritable this afternoon, followed by withdrawn and scatterbrained. Later relaxed a bit and played noisy game of scrabble jr. Tonight depressed, somewhat feeling in shock of the reality of my PTSD. Very strange, but true. And, tonight finding some humor and inspiration to lift my spirit.

 

[GR-ass]

Was just havng a bad day yesterday I think. PTSD ways anyway. I feel like I have a circuit in my head that trips whenever something happens.

Anthony, the only with moving out is that I still want my mum. I'm scared of living alone, scared that even if I was with people, if they weren't people I cared about I would do a really stupid thing.
I'm walking on the edge of a blade and I am terrified that I will slip. I don't want to die, I really don't, I just don't trust myself to be alone when I am thinking them thoughts.
I don't trust myself much at all.

 

[Nam]

I totally understand that, Grass. I know that when I was at my worst, I would surround myself with people so I wouldn't do anything..well, stupid. And also the fact that you care so much for your mum is great. I do believe, though, that you will get better and that there will be a time when you need to make that decision to leave. I think it's best that you do leave soon. Once again, if you don't trust yourself, surround yourself with people. I hope your situation changes for the better soon......


I'm good here. It seems that the good days keep stretching out longer and longer. I do have some not so good days but it seems rare. I had a stressful few days trying to get the house ready for the appraiser and I feel that I handled the stress ok. (I did throw the mud knife and flung mud everywhere when I was doing drywall...:crazy-blu ) My husband pointed out that when I get stressed I push everyone away. I probably do. I'm not a misery wants company type person. I like to be by myself. I've even noticed that when I write on this forum, it's only when I feel pretty good. Kind of defeats the purpose, eh? I hope that you all have a great weekend. My husband and I are going to try to tackle the crowds and go shopping today. He's determined to spend over thirty dollars on a bra. :eek: His idea!!! LOL!

 

[cookie]

i know what you mean about not trusting yourself cass, do you have therapy? my therapist has been a good "safety net" for me.
cathy

 

[anthony]

GR, you know what is best for yourself, no doubt. What I will add though, is just ensure you really are applying logic too it all. Is it better to be with your mum and abuser, or is it better to be elsewhere where you can still visit your mum daily? Which is going to cause more anxiety for you?