How's Your Day Been? Each Day is Different, So Make Your Mark Daily

[anthony]

Whoo.... Gr, I am so sorry to hear this. How are you really going with this? Are you ok?

 

[batgirl]

My grand daddy died this morning. Only just found out.

Not feeling anything yet. Still kinda shocked.

So sorry Gr'ass! Hope you will be okay.

 

[Deleted member 93]

My condolences GR'

 

[Deleted member 93]

Well, I am happy to see my cuts doing well, but it still is a bitch. The back pain is horrible but making it. I think I am actually proud of myself so much making it this far that it is boosting me up enough to cope better. I FINALLY feel like I am doing something. I had set a goal and it has taking a long time to get to the drugs being all the way out and even look forward to the pain come Thanksgiving as I take my last cut and be drug free :thumbs-up I just see how long and hard a road the drugs have been for me and coming off. I really thought as it was so much dope that the day of xanax out would never be here or reality. But here it is, just days away. A goal and an accomplishment. I mean I actually am accomplishing it.

I know my head has not been well put together around here and I have been losing my balance, worn out, and depth perception... LOL I won't go there, it makes things interesting for sure.

I know I have typos out the wazoo, but I am typing and trying not to be withdrawn and stay active somewhat.

I would love a massage and after I am done with this last round may go treat myself to one of those long sessions and do the deep muscle. I think I deserve it :) Maybe set something up in Kansas like that to help with a more natural way to relax and get myself out of the home too. Be nice if I could knock out 2 birds with one stone like that.

My son was supposed to help me today, I am annoyed as no help until I told him hubs was on the way home... Now he is doing his chores at least.

I found laughter to also be good medicine. As withdrawals keep me up all night I rented a bunch of stupid shows and stand up acts (hubs did) so when I am stuck up all night I watch those and it seems to help. He is supposed to get me more.

Hubs is officially done at work, he finished what he needed today so I guess the will leave sometime tomorrow and be back next Sunday before school resumes from the Thanksgiving break. I hope it will be nice to have him home and we get to have the fun of sorting and packing and deciding what to keep and what to throw out or freecycle. And it means no more school runs for me as he gets to run the kids around now :) So a nice break and come Christmas I hope withdrawals are done and I can handle driving my car. Will have to make plans to not go through any major cities and take a more "scenic route" as I don't think I will be up to city freeway driving.

All in all not so bad and things are coming together I just feel ill and in pain, but not in a bad way! Day not horrible.

 

[anthony]

Well done veiled... very well done and congratulations on your efforts. You have come so far, it really is an honor to see.

You know with the city driving, sometimes you have to have the mentality that everyone else has PTSD, and you do not. So when the bumper to bumper, lights and city issues occur, you simply say something like, "wow, that person must have PTSD to be so angry!" It actually gives you a bit of a laugh to think about it on the other side, watching everyone else get frustrated as you casually wave, listen to some music and enjoy the city driving.

When you master it, it makes city driving more bearable most of the time. Yes, you will still have moments, but more good than bad, and practice helps to perfect.

 

[becvan]

Wow, I feel like I was in a time warp. I thought I was only gone from here for like, a week or two, but now I'm wondering?? LOL

Anyways, I'm doing okay. I've completely given up on school. I feel great about it too. I shouldn't have pushed myself into it in the first place. It just took me a few months to realize that. I have to find a job by January in order to feed kids and pay rent. I don't really care if I work at Wal-Mart or what. I feel settled about this decision.
Life with my kids is interesting. My eldest was and is a complete mess. Oh my god. Everything you could think of is screwed up. He had no underwear or socks. His paper route is messed up to the hilt (and guess who is trying to sort that mess out?) He has no understanding of being a kid. His school work is in the crapper ( I have to sort that out too.) Has no I.D. (his dad lost it all.) so I can't even take the kid to the doc's. He was living without heat, no food in the house, did all the cleaning, cooking, took care of two younger brothers, house filled (and I mean filled as in I have never seen anything like it in my life) with garbage, dog crapping in the house, dead animals in the house etc... It's shock for him to come here. He can not even remember the last time an adult did his laundry!! Saying my kid is screwed up is an understatement!!! On top of this, I have to deal with his dumb ass dad (who is responsible for this mess) and keeps sending this *person* that I hate to take my kid for stupid things that get handled here. I'm starting to get pissed off. However, I am handling it well. I'm trying to ease my kid into structure (so as not to completely shock the hell out of him) and I'm working on each issue as they come up. And by god, there's a ton of them. My youngest is doing great. He's floating on air, having his brother in the house. Amazingly, no fights between the two yet. LOL (that yet is a big yet...) His therapist is no more. He was moved to a supervisor position and the waiting list for a new one is two years. They are only handling suicide cases now. (not enough funding like the rest of Canada) However, this seems to be pointless anyways. The therapist even told me that I know more than him and he considers me an expert on PTSD! He told me that I've done more for him, than he could or any other therapist and to keep up the good work. It was a nice compliment, but holy. My therapist is clueless. Has no idea what to do with me. Ohhh Anthony you are going to love this. He feels that working on my anxiety, spacing out, etc.. would be unhealthy since that is how I cope. LOL, doesn't leave much to work on does it??? Neverless, I like the guy. He shoots straight. Took me awhile to warm up to him. I am , finally, getting referreed to a pysch doc. (could be over a year wait though, suprise, suprise) although the doc is only for diagnosis purposes. He will not work with trauma patients. Gotta love the boonies eh?

Anyways, I got soooo lost in this post didn't I? Sorry. I am doing much better despite all this craziness. I've started to walk down the block and back. (first time since June) although I haven't worked up to walking my dog yet. I still haven't got the nerve to go for coffee or to a friends, but that is an improvement!! Ohhh, did I mention I was fired from my job because of being sick?? LOL, don't care I'll find another one. I am cheerful anyways!!

Bec:hello:

 

[anthony]

WOW bec... is an understatement. You really sound quite happy though in amongst all this, which is the only thing that really matters. I am stoked for you that you have your son back with you now, and that things are looking up in life for you, even though things are a bit messed. It sounds as though your really kinda floating on air, which is great to hear.

Bec, I must say that to most therapists, you would be an expert on PTSD, because you have it and have the skillset to go along with it. Trust me when I say, your blood would be worth bottling if you ever went into practice for yourself treating trauma patients....

Why do therapist run away from the actual problems causing everything? I just can't figure them out... He feels that working on my anxiety, spacing out, etc.. would be unhealthy since that is how I cope. How exactly do they think your coping with this shit, opposed to some short term pain in order to get past it? It seems their idealistic world is to leave you with PTSD so they can continue giving you no treatment for money in their pocket. Sounds just like a doctor to me.... or a pharmacist company.... don't make cures, because no money exists in cures.

 

[becvan]

Yeah, I am floating on air. It's a good thing too since it's helping me cope with all the issues that just landed on my doorstep! This is the first time my eldest has lived with me since he was six months old and he's 14! How could I not float on air?? hehe

I think when a therapist says that they don't want to change things (like anxiety) they are telling us one of two things. A) that they don't have the training, experience, or skills to deal with it or B) that due to transference (identifying in a personal manner with the client's issues) they are unable to deal with it. They may or may not realize this is what they are saying. Luckily, I know this is what it means. Many don't. The last option would be C) a really lazy idiot!! LOL

My son's therapist actually got therapy from me!! LOL, I helped him with a few issues. We became freinds. I like him. My old therapist I could have counselled. Same with my new one. It's a problem with me. Since I have the training (and it's part of my personality) I tend to end up in a reversed position or reconginzing that I could be. It gives therapists a hard time, since I could be doing the same for them. This can make therapy tricky. Basically, I use them as support, do therapy here and on my own. I really have no other choice. LOL

I've thought about going into practice just for us PTSD'ers but in Ontario you have to have your Masters of Social Work to go into private practice. I'm not sure about anywhere else in Canada though. College doesn't count for much here, but the rest of Canada it does but only Ontario offers the program. Screwed up eh??? Just think, I could have the flexible hours I need, PTSD'ers need, a sliding scale (and I mean cheap, damn therapists are WAY too expensive). I think it would work wonders... Just have to find where I can do it....

Bec

 

[Deleted member 93]

So the family is gone, left earlier today. Will see them this Sunday. Weird seeing how low I can turn my TV on and hear it LOL.

Shrink pissed me off again... I swear that woman gets on every last nerve. When I had my bad time coming off the zoloft so hubs called her and she would not see me and then had the balls to push my appointment back a week. So I am finally supposed to see her tomorrow, intensions to fire when I did. So hubs calls her to double check my appointment time, and they say "Oh. glad you called, she won't be in" Exactly when the hell were they going to let me in on this? So they pushed me back another flipping week again today. :angry-fla

So I am going to go aheead with my cut today to be done with the Xanax. I did not want to be in full blown withdrawal when I saw her so I was going to wait. I took a half this AM but since I am not seeing her I stopped there and decided to might as well quit now. Should be through the worst of it when the next appointment comes around if the stupid bitch keeps it. Why in the hell make an appointment?? So may be just lurking a few days until my head gets back on straight...

 

[anthony]

Bec, I know what you mean about the therapists. I'm not one, but I guess I think pretty differently to most, and I used to do this to my counsellors. I would bounce things back at them that they just asked me, but in a different sense to see if they could apply their own theoretical reasoning to themselves. For everything they couldn't, I then asked "how do you expect me to do something that you can't do yourself?" Counsellors just didn't like me because some ended up in counselling with me, me being the counsellor to them, and I'm not even qualified. My mind is just wired a little differently I guess, so I can see things and process them that others just completely miss. Maybe dropped on my head at birth or something.... he he :)

Veiled, does that mean you are now medication free? If I got that right, and you just dropped two mg in the past day or so, your about to fall off your perch and you need to be very careful, because you have stated that this crap really mucks with your system, and its about to send you over the edge dropping it all and moving in the same week.

Veiled, please be careful... hell, even get someone out to spend time with you and let them know they need to monitor your moods. Please be careful, I really don't want you busting shit up anymore, or worst, hurting yourself.

 

[Deleted member 93]

I am pretty sure I took my cut to 1 mg about or on the 18th (here). It jacks with me about 4 days, but just as far as getting ill and pain with a few weird symptoms. Not the mood swings or overly emotional as the other meds. Jumpy yes, but homicidal no... I will admit I feel like a new definiton has been given to hypervigilance. My 4 days are or should be just wrapped up and dumping it a day and a half ahead of schedule. But you have to remember I would have done this before seeing her, I just did not want to be in withdrawals to boot when I saw her as scheduled. Since the apointment is cancelled no worry there so might as well. The xanax does not so much jack with my moods but the sense of security which is lowered with hubs away. The move will be a few more weeks, he is just finding the house this week. I will be OK. Just spend a few days to calm the panic attacks with what I know and try not to jump at a shadow :)

My dog is being extra cuddly with the house empty, she knows and does not get on furniture, but when hubs has to be gone overnight she is all in the bed or on the sofa with me, so she is helping.

But I am following my body and signs and keeping the cut safe. A day early will not hurt... Ok, will not injure! But now drug free and happy about it, it has been a long time coming. I am really not feeling as bad as I thought I would resuming cutting this one, but all I can guess is the confidence and achievment of getting off is making it easier. And hell not to mention I am so used to full blown panic attacks... How many times does the jack in the box pop out before it stops startling you? Basically there now. That was what the xanax was for was to control that portion. Now I know enough to control it and not freak out. Does not make them stop but it does make me know exactly what is happening enough not to be scared and just go into it. Going in normally stops them.

 

[anthony]

If you think its right for you veiled, all I can say is congratulations. I had that rough thought in the back off my head that those 2mg would actually be messing with you more than just not having them at all. Medications truly don't work well in small doses, even though some think they do, they are not designed to do that generally...

Well done veiled, and welcome to the med free side of PTSD. Now a bit more fun stuff for you, but management comes easier now because you know the other side of things, ie. returning to meds!