Sexual Assault Humiliation & Degradation Part Of My Sexual Abuse Seems Worse Than The Actual Assault?

[Gs172003]

I find it hard to talk about any of it, but I am trying to write/type because I really need some...

I would love nothing more than to punch that jerk in the face.

That is all.

 

[Gs172003]

*

(For: Yes, relating. & It was/is entirely different things gutting me about those things than people te...

(What month is it)

I used to lose it over a train whistle. I'm finally past that one.

 

[The ANP]

I was kidnaped raped and tortured by some sociopaths and their friends. The part that really broke my brain is the knowledge that truly inhuman people exists. Trying to understand the mind of someone who enjoys torture is a lost cause, it hurts you as an empathetic person.
In the moment of abuse my mind went through every angle including bonding with the perpetrator which meant devaluing and killing a part of myself... that remains the most f*cked up consequence...
You are definitely not alone and your response is a normal response to a highly abnormal event.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

@The ANP - I'm so sorry that happened to you.

The part that really broke my brain is the knowledge that truly inhuman people exists.

Yeah, I'm someone who used to believe that everyone is inherently good. It feels sh*t to think that people who do that think it's ok etc. - because that suggests that there could be a lot more people like that, that anyone could do that. But it also feels beyond sh*t to realise that there are people who know that what they're doing is wrong, hurting you, traumatising you and yet they still do it....that just totally screws with my head. If he had "just" r**ed me, then I could sort of think that he believed what he was doing was ok, that he "misunderstood" or whatever (even if that's not true)...but that's where the humiliating me, degrading me, dehumanising me comes in - that suggests that he knew what he was doing, which just...f*cks with my head.

which meant devaluing and killing a part of myself... that remains the most f*cked up consequence...

Yeah that is exactly how it feels.

 

[The ANP]

Having been raped by several people I got the gamut a few were in it for the raping. They I can understand. They do not terrify me today. The two who were in it for the torture... I can't even think of them without breaking down. It is an entire different level of trauma. I understand how you feel. It's hard to make peace with. One thing I am still working on is trying to understand that it was always about them and never really about me. I was just an outlet for a cruelty inside those perps who never saw me a human.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

I'm sorry about what happened to you @The ANP. Yeah it's very different kind of trauma. It's a good idea to try to work on that sort of thinking, it just....takes a lot of work huh!!

I also think part of me is more devastated by the flatmate walking in, in the middle of it and not doing what I thought he might (i.e. I hoped he would "save" me, for want of a better word) - instead congratulating the guy on his conquests and then watching. That just totally f*cks me up. It's like I occasionally get that feeling of the exact moment he walked in - that sudden pang of "thank god for that" and then the horrible, sickening realisation that it didn't mean the end and that I'd be ok from then on. It's like a weird kind of emotional flashback without any visual flashback; if this happens when I'm out of the house, I totally freak because I tend to collapse or throw up and it feels overwhelming if this is in public. It really screws up how I think of people too. If it was just one guy being a "jerk" then (not ok but) I can figure that, but thinking someone was going to save me who then made it WORSE, totally screws with my belief in people.

Does that make sense?

 

[Beks]

I decided a while ago that it isn't worth even trying to figure out the mentality of a sadist sociopath - or those that cover for them. They are just totally vile.
But yeah, I find their enjoyment of torture the worst part. I can't help but think the only way they would 'get' what they did is if the same was done to them - seen as when I confronted the one who targeted me (after about 5 months dissociation of his abuse and then flashbacks) just said he'd done it before and will again, he was also teaching a young lad how to abuse women: absolutely no regret from him, and he had a young daughter. So there really isnt anything inside them except hate and control - they are not happy when they laugh, they dont have any capacity for joy, its all fake to make their target feel utterly hopeless. So I try my best to turn the tables on them, a sociopath will never be happy, ever, and they will be forever jealous of us being able to actually feel ourselves laugh.
That doesnt mean they don't need to be rid like some plague though.

Learning to forgive myself, for what he did - not sure I'm there yet.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

That's a good point @Beks - an interesting way of looking at it. Not feeling "pity" for them as such, but turning the tables.

I can't help but think the only way they would 'get' what they did is if the same was done to them

Yeah me too. But that's because thinking they have just decided/ended up being like that without any traumatic experience, takes away any empathy I could have for them. And yet I still feel like I made them do it...by putting myself in the situation, I forced their actions somehow

Learning to forgive myself, for what he did - not sure I'm there yet.

Me either - baby steps huh!!

 

[The ANP]

i get what you mean about being devestated by the flat mate. During traumatic experience the mind grasps at straws looking for salvation. I remember being terrified when one of my rapists left because he was not a sadist and somehow him being there meant safety... it makes no sense now, but at the time that's where my mind went

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

I remember being terrified when one of my rapists left because he was not a sadist and somehow him being there meant safety... it makes no sense now, but at the time that's where my mind went

That makes sense to me! You really do desperately search for anything that could mean a shred of safety when you're feeling at your most unsafe. At one point during it I remember seeing someone was on the TV and thinking "maybe there's some way somehow that they can tell this is happening to me and they'll come". My T says I do a lot of "magical thinking" - it's a strong part of my eating disorder, psychotic symptoms, OCD and now PTSD. It's that idea that either people can tell something about me without there technically being any actual sign (e.g. how much I've eaten, what I'm thinking, that I'm scared and therefore vulnerable), or that people can see through TV etc. But at the time I think it, it seems perfectly clear and logical. Apparently it is quite a young characteristic, children do that a lot - although my trauma happened when I was 19, it seems it really activated the child part of me.

 

[Miss_Basilisk]

I know this is an old post but god what you've said really resonates with him. My PTSD stems from a similar incident and one of the things that really messes with me was when my rapist made me watch in the mirror and called me names. He basically treated me like a dog throughout and he even made me bathe him afterwards. I don't know why but the degrading aspect of it makes it all the more harder to deal with.

Honestly, reading this thread made me relieved that I'm not the only one who feels like this so thank you for sharing your experience as difficult as it might have been.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

@Miss_Basilisk I'm so sorry that you experienced that. I also feel relieved that I'm not the only one, much as I don't want other people to feel the same way because it's unpleasant. It can seem so strange to people outside of this to understand it somehow. I am still here (and it is still very much the same for me right now!), if you want or need to private message me. Take care.