General Hurting.. Crying ... Alone

[Navy Spouse]

Princess Fiona, I had to fight tears reading your post. It is so very hard and I am new to this. (Almost 2 months) My husband returned from Afganistan and after a month felt he needed to move out. At the time I had no idea what PTSD was besides night mares. I couldn't believe it, we've been married 17 years, together 6 before that and had always been best friends. We have two girls ages 6 and 11. It breaks my heart that he's not home with us after we spent an entire year waiting to be a family again. He said we shouldn't have to be around him when he's feeling the way he is. I get so angry some times because he's missing the kids grow up "by his choice". Other days I hold so much respect for him for caring about us so much that he refuses to expose us to his angry moments. I actually feel really lucky after reading your post and others. (I guess thats why I come here so often) He is living about 20 mins away and he is there when we need him. He does seem more himself since he's moved out, I guess it helps to have time alone. When he was home he was trying to keep it all inside and it became to difficult.

Last night he came for dinner and we attended the girls open house at school. I gave him a hug and kiss when he walked in because I need it and I figure whether he feels he does or not he needs it too. I expected a little peck and a brief unemotional hug and because of that I actually released the hug before he did. I couldn't believe it, I was so happy! It's the little things that make us happy now and we have to hold onto that.

Your son must be heart broken. I guess I really have so much to be thankful for. (Hopefully I can keep saying that) My husband calls to talk to the girls each night. I can tell some times he really doesn't care to talk to me but he always asks to talk to the girls.

You mentioned crying when you lost some messages on his phone. I always thought I was strange, but I'm probably not the only one. Each time he deployed I would keep the shirt I was wearing when he left in a bag unwashed. That way if something happened I would still have his hug. Right now I still have his towel hanging in the bathroom from before he moved out. He asked me one day when he was home if that was his towel and I said, "leave it alone, that's my comfort."

Wish I could give you hugs. It's so hard. Don't feel bad about rambling its good to get it out to others who get it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Navy Spouse- not 'doesn't care to talk to you'- just likely he 'can't'.
((((Navy Spouse)))), xox

 

[May1321]

My response to a lot of things now is to try to beak it down, If I am very down, look at any contributing factors as far as MY part of it. What am I afraid of or angry at? Then I try to address the little pieces.

Sometimes it's just nice to read what someone else can say that I am feeling but having trouble putting into words... Kind of like that word life jacket to pull me forward out of my cloud of confusion... Thanks, as always ISH for your words of wisdom :tup:

 

[PrincessFiona]

It's never easy. Somedays might be better than others but really I dont think that the emotional side ever gets any easier to deal with. I love reading on here about the positive stories and in a way they give me hope that our story might get better. However right now its foggy to me and I can't see anything past the next half hour cause its a yukky day and he's not here to give me a hug and tell me it will get better.

Communication is so important and I think that is what I miss most today. I havent heard from him in weeks. Today I posted his fathers day card to him from the kids and such a simple thing near made me cry. We should be together on Sunday but we wont be. The kids will spend it with me and he will spend it with other people up where he lives that have already tried to take his family's place. Also this time last year was when he had a major episode that led to him finally going into a treatment program and there was so much hope. A year on and to be honest its worse now than what it was a year ago.

I know I might be putting a cat amongst the pigeons but I am going to be honest. I respect that there are a lot of people with PTSD who cannot communicate with their loved ones due to the terrible effects of this illness. However in my case and a few more no doubt, it is not always the case. I believe that whilst a person may suffer from this illness that it still does not excuse bad behaviour from them or the illness to be an reason for everything they do wrong. I am so happy for those of you out there who's partners can isolate themselves and say I am doing this for your safety/protection etc. I dont have that. I have a partner who will disappear in a split second and I am expected to know my place and be ok with it. He can hold it together and use basic common courtesy to his work colleagues and other community members but he cannot extend that to his family and the people who love him most. He says he goes away because we are the cause of everything and he hates me. Yes he will come back in a few weeks and be so sorry and it wasnt my fault and blah blah blah but that still does not take the sting out of today. The therapist says he knows exactly what he is doing when he treats people badly and it is up to us to take a stand and say your behaviour is unacceptable and stand firm. Guess what happens if I stand up to him and not be at his beck and call. I have abandoned him apparently and that means I deserve to be hated more. I can't do anything right .... that is the punchline. If I ring and try and keep communication open then I am hassling him and pressuring him. If I stay silent and give him space, I have abandoned him and clearly don't love him and the guilt trip will start. In bad times when I have tried to discuss the situation he tells me that hes nice to me only to keep me on the hook because he hasnt decided if he wants me or not. When he is good and I discuss it, he is beyond mortified and so sorry and never meant it of course.

This is my life. It is on hold for a man who is like a split personailty. The doc said no hes not he just has split moods.
The biggest irony of this is his PTSD is work related. He has approval for the best treatment money can buy but he cant be bothered doing it. He cant be bothered seeing the psychologist because its half an hours drive. I have offered to find specialists in Sydney to try and get this recovery restarted but he wont have a bar of it. Too much travel and why do that when you can just keep taking more pills that zone you out and always have a reason to excuse your outbursts. The doctors are so blase about everything and say we are here when it gets bad enough that he wants us. Meanwhile his kids are growing up and he misses out on that. Thats his choosing yes but they miss out on him. I miss out on him. I just miss him full stop.
I am not always as together as I was last night. Today marks the start of spring and normally in spring and autmn he gets better. I should be full of hope but today is just another day that hes not here and we wish he was. I pray that all of you who are affected like us have a much better day today :) Thinking of you all xx

 

[Navy Spouse]

Fiona, I don't know what to say. I feel really bad that your hurting so much. You are very correct in saying that the PTSD does not excuse the way he treats you. The sad thing is he is the only one that can make things change and it doesn't sound likes he's trying. He's doing terrible things to your self esteem. You shouldn't have to hear from him that he hates you, like he's a child throwing a tantrum. It makes me angry to think of someone being treated the way you are. I'm sorry, I just don't know what else to say.

 

[PrincessFiona]

It's ok.... there is nothing that can be said. It's just a help that I can vent this out and have people who go through similar things understand. It is what it is and I am ok. I just have moments where I get frustrated at why it has to be like this. I will lighten up in a lil bit :) I know he doesnt really hate me. I think its just that I remind him of the old life he cant have anymore, well at least not without a whole lot of therapy and effort on his part. It's easier to block us out than deal with us. He will come good soon fingers crossed and I will try once again to encourage him to complete the therapy. Thank you for your nice words of support. I just hope that me pouring my heart out helps someone else out there know they are not alone. ;)

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear PF, I wish healing for you and your family.
I can only imagine the heartbreak and demands put on you. :( :cry:

When he comes back, and when (he's) in a better frame of mind, I would consider showing him what you wrote.

Irregardless, prayers, hugs and undisappointed hope, for you.
xoxox

 

[PrincessFiona]

Thanks Junebug.

As much as I would love to show him these inner thoughts, I won't. Knowing that I have even dared post on a forum like this will trigger his paranoia that you all know who he is now and how dare I do it. For now.... these posts will remain a mental lifeline and top secret ;)

Thanks for your support... it does mean so much to me xx

 

[Tinyflame]

I just mean PF, it's ok ('good') to express the impact of this - his leaving- on you and the children.
Perhaps it will help motivate him to seek out that therapy.
xox, too

 

[Navy Spouse]

Keep posting Fiona because it does help to get it out. I'm sure your words do help others also. I know I related in some ways. Hold your children close, try to do things that are for you. I have said to my husband, " I know that you're hurting but I wish just for one day we could trade places so I could know exactly what it is you're feeling and you could feel how much I love and support you and how much this hurts me also." Wishing you better days, but don't feel bad about coming here and letting in all out.

 

[Tj's Paradigm Shift]

Good morning. I was so moved by your post just as I am by many of the posts in here. I am a woman who has had complex ptsd for 40 of my 51 years. I can completely understand the frustration of someone who is detached. I'm on my way out the door right now yet perhaps I could share some pointers on how to help or deal with that detachment or seemingly estranged partners. Ironically enough, even with ptsd, I always felt deficient when it comes to being valued and I am not narcissistic, demanding nor high maintenance in any capacity. I have not been in any relationship for years due to efforts not valued or reciprocated. It can go both ways. In short, it amounts to understanding what a paradigm shift is and how both can gradually implement a much-needed shift in our perceptions or how we react to people or situations in general. It's not a band-aid or instant fix...it's something anyone (even those without ptsd) can implement to enhance their relationships or life in general. Gotta scoot. A paradigm shift is worth pondering. My counselor of two years continues to be a blessing in helping me to better grasp how I perceive or react to people, especially being aware how my pulling away negatively affects people. In this chapter of my life, I'm on a journey to heal. I hope this has been helpful to you or other readers. Hang in there :) Tj

 

[PrincessFiona]

Thanks TJ defiantely food for thought.... would love to hear more about it if you have some time :)