Relationship Hurting My Housemate Unconsciously

[DandelionSeed]

Hi all!

I am Ellen and I moved in a couple months ago with my friend Connor, who has severe PTSD.

He is between two major anniversaries, and is having a really rough time, is very hypervigilant and isn't sleeping more than a couple hours a night. He told me that not having a door on his room is making that worse, but since we're renters and can't change that right now, he was deciding to live with it and just hung a curtain.

Last night I changed all that by bringing up the lack of door, and saying I would feel the same way in his shoes. I meant only to show sympathy, but what I did was reaffirm the fear, make it real and immediate. Now he feels FAR less safe in his room, and feels betrayed by me. He'd asked me casually a week before for help with that issue, and I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to bring it up before I had a solution. He feels that I lectured him on how unsafe his room was and then told him to go sleep in it (it was an hour before we both intended to be in bed).

This is an ongoing pattern of thoughtlessness. After he told me he was hypervigilant, but not in the same conversation, I agreed to give him an ETA when I was coming home. I thought this was so he'd know when we had time to talk, since with our conflicting work schedules that'd been a concern. So one night when he told me he was going to bed early, I didn't send one. So he was laying there awake with his boots next to him, not knowing whether it'd be me coming in.

I know I've been an awful friend and I don't know what to do about it. Any help is appreciated, either with the overall problem of friend negligence or with the immediate issue where he doesn't feel safe in the space or supported by me.

Thanks much,
Ellen

 

[Loner]

You've been a good friend. He just has lots of issues. Its not your fault. This sounds callous but he moved into a place he doesnt feel safe, and now has to deal with the consequences. I have made the same mistake. Beating yourself up about it will do no good. Try and help effect a solution but if you can't then try not to worry about it. You tried to empathize and validate his feelings as normal. Thats what a good friend does.

 

[DandelionSeed]

I read this to him and he said, "I was feeling safe enough until you told me that I wasn't." That's the issue here.

Also, we moved in together because I am someone he felt particularly safe around, and we wanted to have a mutually supportive house. There was planning that went into this, and he gave me all the tools to help, and I threw them back on the shelf and didn't use them.

 

[Abstract]

Gosh Dandelion. I really think you might be heading for a troublesome place if you are not careful. He is not taking responsibility for his vulnerabilities and is blaming you and so are you. You are accepting responsibility.

Yes unfortunately what you said backfired and he felt worse but that isn't your fault. You meant well and unless you are a mindreader you wouldn't have known to do anything differently.

Someone else with PTSd might have responded to what you said about the door differently. There will be lots of situations where you say or do something that won't be helpful for him but that is because his unique mind and past means that he has his own unique vulnerabilities.

Some things will be easier to figure out as you learn more about PTSD but some won't. There has to be a balance between you doing what you can to help make his life easier and you still living your life and not feeling you have to walk on eggshells and apologise just for being yourself.

The most important part of that is how you feel about these things internally. Being sorry that what you said unintentionally di not help as you intended is different to taking responsibility for his condition.

 

[DandelionSeed]

Thank you so much, Abstract, for some clarity. I've been really feeling like dirt over this. His attitude is that he's explained fully enough and I've known him long enough, I should have known that conversation would be a problem. He compared it to pulling aside an Iraq veteran with PTSD to lecture them on how awful war is. He told me no decent human being would do it.

In the face of his anger, after the fact, I can see how if I'd pieced the info together right I wouldn't have said it. And it's always a bad idea to start a serious conversation an hour before bed. But he corners me with questions like, "Why do I warrant less respect than anyone else in your life? You wouldn't have done this to them." Then I think, "Wow, that really must have been an awful thing I said." I berate myself out loud in front of him and deconstruct all the times I might have done this to others. He gets frustrated because he just wants me to "Take responsibility for what you did to me. F*cking man up and fix what you did." But I don't have an answer for how it won't happen again, because at the time we were just talking, and it drifted (as I remember) to that subject, and then all of a sudden *cataclysm*.

I want to help, I really do. All I seem to do is make things worse. But I can't do these 5 hour conversations about how I'm an awful person anymore. He feels that the only way he gets real answers and solutions is by pinning me to my seat until I come up with them. He is upset that I don't come back to the table on my own, but also upset when I come back and still have no answer.

Sometimes it's a clear-cut case of wrongdoing on my end, like my dog ate something of his and it's taken me 2 months and I'm just in the process of replacing it, after telling him it would be done faster. But an apology is never enough and now he doesn't trust any of my promises.

I don't know what to do. My family thinks I should get out ASAP, that it can't go anywhere good from here. Connor thinks I need to fix the things I'm doing wrong. He understands that personal growth is a process, and doesn't expect it to happen overnight, and wants to support me in it. He thinks we can have a peacable house. Friends are divided ... mostly, it seems, based on who was telling the story, me or him.

Sorry that rambled.
Thanks again,
Ellen

 

[Loner]

Uhhh. You didnt do anything that made him feel unsafe though. You didnt bring a lack of safety. You just pointed out existing conditions. Maybe point out to him that if he feels safe with you, and the outside doors are locked, not having a door to his room doesnt actually create a lack of safety. I'm sorry. I wish I had something that was more use. The truth is if he has ptsd his perception of safety is not always logical, as many on this site are all too aware of.

I agree hes blaming you for his own feelings. His issues are his issues.

 

[Abstract]

Oh dear. He is still at a point where he does not understand that his feelings and reactions are his. Is he getting treatment?

I think if this was me the only way I would stay is if I went to a joint therapy session with him. That may be the only way that he would be likely to start seeing this differently because it doesn't sound like he yet has the skills or ability to see the truth. I would also lay down strict groundrules.

If you stay regardless then you have to be strong enough in yourself to not take responsibility. Maybe it would be wise to see someone yourself to get a few pointers on how to do that.

It actually isn't good for him either if you accept responsibility and he doesnt have to as without taking responsibility for something it is hard to change it. I hope that makes some sense.

You will find a lot of information on here that could help you too.

You did absolutely nothing wrong and sound like a very caring friend.

PS. Just reading what you wrote again and it seems to me that he is saying that there needs to be a "fix Ellen" project and that he has hope for you. If that is the case then I think that is concerning.

 

[nursenurse]

Ellen, there are red flags pasted all over this. The worst is that you are starting to believe some of the bad things about yourself that your friend is accusing you of. It's like he's an old school teacher, sitting the student in the chair until you cry uncle. In some countries it is a form of torture until you agree with whatever they are accusing you of. This person is nothing less than controlling. Five hour converstions of what an awful person you are? What??? No one can and should take that from anyone in their lives, no matter what the diagnosis. Your self worth will be eroded in no time flat, and in the end you will end up with as many issues as he has.

This man is clearly not accepting responsibility for his own issues. I agree with Abstract's "Fix Ellen" statement. There needs to be a "Fix Connor" project of which he, not you, is the project leader. Until then, honestly, I would get out of Dodge and support from outside. Otherwise you are enabling him to continue to divert his responsibility to himself, from himself. In the process, you are being dehumanized. No one has the right to do that to you. No one.

You are a kind, caring person. Focus some of that on you. If you don't take care of you, you can't support Connor in a healthy way. I am not saying to turn your back on him. But I think you need to step out, set some very clear boundaries, and go from there. He may have given you all of his tools. But he should have kept a few for himself.

 

[The Albatross]

Connor is deflecting his attention away from his own issues, and onto you. Reaffirm your role. You are a friend, not a scapegoat.

 

[DandelionSeed]

Thank you all so much. Last night I got out of the apartment and stayed elsewhere, and he texted me profuse apologies for "being triggered at you." He said he'd been an awful friend and that was on him. I accepted his apology and he mine, and we sent each other cute internet gifs. :p Thing is, I think he may only be apologizing for tone, not for content. He'll still expect me to answer for why I said what I said, which he still sees as almost unthinkable. As soon as he sits me down again, I'll see it that way too. That *is* on me, at least to some extent. I don't know how to build up those defenses. And he'll still find it a deal-breaker for me to walk away from the table, so I won't; I don't have that courage, it seems. And the truth is, there was no sinister motive, no lack of respect that led to my saying it ... so I'm never going to have an answer. He's much quicker on his verbal feet than I am, and very skilled at finding the holes in anything I say.

His attitude during these conversations is, "I don't think you're a bad person, but I think you're acting like one." I suppose I could say the same in return. He *has* brought me to some realizations about my own flaws in terms of keeping commitments, and some of my emotional vulnerabilities that make me hard to interact with. I just feel like all the emotional baggage in the house is being loaded onto my cart, and between us we have a flippin' Great Pyramid of Issues. Under construction, it seems. Bring out the logs and ropes. Sorry for the anachronistic cart, inconsistent metaphor.

I definitely have things I need to work on. When someone says something that implies I've wronged them, apparently I look like I'm going to cry, which, while it doesn't bother most people as much as it does Connor, makes the situation about me. I try to apologize by looking sad, not by providing a solution. I make unrealistic commitments under pressure: "When the f*ck will you get my stuff back? I don't think you're an a**hole but I think you're acting like one!" "Next week my paycheck comes through, I'll order it that day." Even if I haven't actually budgeted. I do have issues with conversational impulsivity; late night isn't the right time to bring up anything serious. I have started treatment at a top center for adult ADHD, anxiety and depression.

Connor once said, "We both have issues, but I can have a reasonable faith that yours are being dealt with. I don't know anyone with PTSD who has overcome it. That's not fair to you, to say that my issues are just going to be yours to deal with." Connor has tried talk therapy of various sorts, including CBT, and has tried exposure therapy. He found talk therapy ineffective because he didn't have words for his experiences. Exposure therapy seemed more traumatic, and he has to be able to get up and go to work the next day. He's currently in talk therapy for other things, but has no faith it will help with the PTSD. I don't know if he's tried eye movement therapy. He doesn't want to take drugs that will make him sleepy, particularly ones that will keep him from waking up. May I ask what has been effective for those here?

I hope we can find a way of coexisting. I so much appreciate everything you guys are doing.

Cheers,
Ellen