Hurting Myself

[Knak]

I keep hurting myself and don't know why because it makes no sense. I want to know what series of thoughts make me think this is a good idea so maybe I could quit doing it.

I know my family told me I was and am worthless and shouldn't be alive. I was forced to believe it when I was helpless and dependent as a child. I thought it would please them if I did it for them, but why can't I stop it now?

Does anyone have insight about what maintains the self destructive behavior that I can't control now? Has anyone been able to change such a deep seated false concept within himself/herself?

 

[Stickler]

In my experience, self-injury is very calming.
If that is so for you, the way to stop is two-pronged.
First, you start working on getting rid of that programming.
...Your family was screwed up, it was not your fault.
They were taking their psychological problems out on you.

Second, if hurting yourself calms you, you work on catching yourself building up to that level of distress sooner? You then defuse the emotional buildup by using better coping skills.

 

[Ronin]

that I can't control now?

Is it so, though?
You're going on an assumption you can't control it - what would happen if you thought otherwise, that it's in your control, very much so, because it's something you're choosing to do, however not aware you are of each step.

So the question is, from me, something else: What parts of it /can/ you control, and what do you need to control it as a whole (not leading to self injury), for later?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Self injury is a maladaptive coping mechanism. You have to learn to be aware that you are in distress, then ground yourself in the present moment, then please feel loving thoughts. It takes practice, but seriously, if you can pause for even one minute when your emotions are in overdrive and reconnect to the present, you can calm yourself. It gets easier with time.

 

[LuckyDuck]

It's coping mixed with instant stress relief. I have had to break a few versions of that. It's tough, but the want to be social became more important.

LD

 

[Knak]

Self injury is a maladaptive coping mechanism. You have to learn to be aware that you are in distres...

I am aware, but by experience I know it will take a lot of time. I know it will pass but can't find a way to speed it up. I have a safe word that works about .5 seconds in these cases.

I believe you have to have experience feeling safe and loved by someone to recall, but I don't have that. I have a couple of limited positive examples. Both mother figures are gone. I know one woman my age who I identify with but she has not had psychosis like me and her husband loves her.

I will feel stunned and I can't get in touch with reality. If I'm not dissociating, I feel hurt and anger at the person who brought it on, in between feeling dazed.

I try to remember the same feelings from early on to separate the present with the past, but when trying to follow the thought process I either get stuck in old bad memories or feel sad I had to experience it.

Complete withdrawal keeps me from harm but I feel extreme pain and confusion and defeated. My husband ignores or discounts my feelings and doesn't acknowledge my physically injuries. I have been accident prone since 4 or 5 (broken arms, feet, collarbone, teeth, ribs).

Hard physical work is my only complete distraction At 66 I have arthritis now and doing hard work speeds up the damage and pain but I still do it out of anger and feeling of accomplishment.

When I drive I weave in and out to get ahead and go up to 90 mph because I hate being stuck, or was late leaving for appointments due to agoraphobia, so now I don't drive as much. When I'm tired I still use dangerous tools and my eyesight is bad so I trip, hit myself accidentally, fall off ladders but feel compelled to make up the time I wasted from my ADD causing mistakes, or getting preoccupied and losing track of time on the computer, or distracted from what I'm supposed to do.

 

[Knak]

In my experience, self-injury is very calming.
If that is so for you, the way to stop is two-pronged.
F...

Self injury doesn't calm me, it upsets me that I am so sick I keep doing it.

 

[Knak]

It's coping mixed with instant stress relief. I have had to break a few versions of that. It's tough,...

I know developing healthy relationships is the key to finding the positive input I need to want to be with people, and I have been working on it. My naivety trusting people often led to abuse. Recently at church I received vitriolic feedback out of nowhere after I sacrificed time and hard work, and another incident when I gave my opinion in a discussion group that had an unspoken rule that only certain people were in charge of everything because they really were bullies.

I used to withdraw but now I show them up or return it with kindness but it doesn't fix things. Talking to them goes nowhere and I don't understand how people can be so mean.

I had a lifetime being the scapegoat with family and have a hard time learning how a healthy person sees themself. One employer told me I look like I'm always scared and victimizers easily spot me in a crowd.

I'm nowhere near as traumatized being with people now, but it's exhausting because there is still often vicious competition for power even in volunteer and social groups.

I know I am quick at figuring out logistical problems, but very sensitive to feedback, so I mentally separate myself because people don't hear me or ignore me or are threatened so they get mad or try to undermine me. I am still compelled to sacrifice and be kind because I feel I have to justify my existence. If it backfires I turn the tables to hurt them or I don't acknowledge they exist as much as I possibly can, to keep them away. I learned to do that in my family when my older sister used me as a whipping boy and my mother punished me for pleading for protection.

Having ADD is part of the problem. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 40 and I missed learning how to socialize that most people learn as kids.

 

[Knak]

Is it so, though?
You're going on an assumption you can't control it - what would happen if you thought ot...

If I am aware I am about to hurt myself I don't stop myself. I can't see a survival instinct in myself and sometimes don't desire to avoid pain.

For example, I saw I was going to hit a light pole and didn't stop it from happening even though I had plenty of time. Then I saw a car about to cross in front of me but I was mentally preoccupied and it didn't occur to me to press on the brake until I was 2" away. Another time I knew if I jumped off a chair to hang my clothes on a pole above me, I would then fall on a vacuum cleaner handle sticking up below me. I didn't feel like moving it and I knew I couldn't reach the pole it but I still jumped and then broke my rib when I fell on the handle.

I could stay in my room so I don't hurt myself or impose on others.

I consider myself selfish and continuously analyze my feelings so I can change them so I can enjoy life instead of simply waiting to die. I know I'm ultimately responsible for all my behavior but haven't been very successful and make bad choices. I know that the bad things I was taught to believe about myself came from parents who wouldn't take responsibility for their own faults and took out their problems on me.

I used to feel I was not part of the universe because I couldn't relate to anyone, couldn't talk to people, failed in school, and nobody noticed me, but I accepted that others were allowed to hurt me because I am worthless and an inconvenience.

To pay back for living in my house I spend all my time fixing things and increasing the value of the house. Or I spend time doing things for others.

Any talent I have is not because I worked for it but I was born with it so I can't take credit or compensation. Often people ask me to do things for them for free and then throw them away. I know human nature is that if you don't earn something then you resent the person who gave it to you and you don't value it.

These are contrary principles that pertains to me and not others in my mind. It would be a blessing to others if I was dead. I don't think anyone will miss me. I don't think of killing myself because I was taught I'd go to hell if did, which I know isn't true but it still stops me.

The positive things I do aren't sufficient to make up for what my parents gave me so I could survive. I believe I am not likeable.

I know the research on early childhood neglect and emotional abuse. I think it changed my brain and I can't change it to be healthy. My family and husband never attribute value to me but instead make it known that I am unacceptable, or hate me and blame me for things I'm not even aware of. I think compliments from others are efforts to be kind because people feel sorry for me.

So the problem is I can't make myself stop believing that the good that pertains to others does not pertains to me. I don't know how to make it happen because so far nothing has worked after years of focusing on it.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Knak well, from your post it is clear that you have many distorted cognitions. You make assumptions about what people think of you or what their motivations are. These ways of thinking do not serve your greater good. Do good deeds because it leads to a better world, not because you want something in return. Because that sets you up for failure. You sound like an expert at self sabotage. Again, not a happy situation. Self injury is a compulsion. It does take time to improve your life, but what's the alternative? The same old shit. The choice is yours. Do you have a therapist? It would be helpful to you as you want to unpack these aggravation a in your life. A therapist could help you learn skills to diminish compulsions. I'm not aware that add necessarily erodes relationships. If so, maybe you could take medicine to treat it. People will avoid you if you turn on them and don't treat them with respect. Take time to think things through and it will reduce accidents. You're driving the ship, be a good captain! Best wishes KYG

 

[Knak]

@Knak well, from your post it is clear that you have many distorted cognitions. Yo...

The compulsion aspect is the problem. Have you ever had a problem that you did not have the resources to fix? I see increasing research that proves the functions of your brain changes when you undergo stressful conditions. I am waiting to see research that shows how you change it so it responds with something more than fight or flight or fawn.

I am the queen of self sabotage and aware of it and have tried to reverse it when possible. However at this time I have a new reaction - living in a dissociated state. I think it is because have additional stress from 3 more sources, while the ones I had before are still there.

I want to know if anyone ever went through something similar or is aware of what I'm talking about. I am cognizant of the dynamics. I am highly analytical from having to figure out how to react to different sources of stress all my life, while not being allowed to rest in peace of mind.

I believe, and have been told, that if you don't have experience being in a relationship where you are protected emotionally and are attributed to have value, i.e., loved, while you are learning how to interact (particularly during the rapid growth periods in your brain, as a baby and as a pre-teen), you cannot manufacture solutions out of thin air. There is no point of reference to compare healthy from unhealthy.

I think I am asking for something impossible but thought by chance someone may have had the same problem or thoughts and found a path out of it that I could learn step by step.

The therapist I had for 7 years led the condition to worsen by having me continue to only talk about deeper and additional current problems and none of them were being resolved, as was done in the past using EMDR. The enormity of the emotional threat is why I was incapable of living in the present when I left each session. After 3 months of getting worse and putting myself in danger in traffic I had to quit going. The self danger hasn't decreased after 3 or 4 months.

I stay at home as much as possible. To avoid thinking about it I throw myself into physical work but haven't figured out a way to make myself stop when I'm too tired and I end up hurting myself. I feel compelled to produce out of fleeting pride of accomplishment and fear I'll be punished or ostracized more than I already am. I can't sit still or think about it because I start to panic. I am on a lot of meds that help me relate to people but then it put me in circumstances to face new bad things I never faced before, having previously been so withdrawn.

I thought I would give it a shot by talking about it but I'm getting frustrated having to explain myself so I think I will close this topic if I can.

 

[sun seeker]

Two suggestions that might help with your original question: Google "self harm, brain" to explain why some people are compelled to self harm. There are differences in the processing of pain, both physical and emotional. As for how to stop, you do need a therapist. Sorry you have had such a bad experience but there are others out there. To change the chemical and structural differences leading to the compulsion, you need trauma therapy. Read up on neuroplasticity. The changes trauma makes in the brain really can shift.