Husband Has PTSD - Neither Off Us Recognise Him

[hannah]

Ps I hear you that I cant fix it does he have to go it alone or can I do something to help gown up kids need guidance to ------ any glimmer of hope will be appreciated -- thank guys

 

[Nam]

Hannah,

Ptsd changes everything. Everything that he thought was important is no longer. Things that he felt happy doing, he doesn't want to do anymore. You are in a really helpless situation here because there is really nothing you can do. If he doesn't want to heal, he won't. It's that simple. It takes tremendous courage and energy to want to heal. At that point, he may ask for your help, but while he is just pushing everyone away because of his misery, he'll be alone. There's no way you can help him right now because he won't let you. And Ranger is right, you can't fix it. You can let him know that the door is open and that you care for him. That's all you can do. Keep him posted of the family and what they are doing. But the ball is in his court. He has to decide for himself what he wants to do. All you can do is study ptsd so that you might understand his actions better. And when he comes around for your help, you'll be ready to give it. Keep in mind, though, no matter how much reading you do, there is no way you can totally understand what he is going through. Ptsd is only understood fully by others that have it. Accept this fact...and try to accept all the things you don't understand. You will more than likely never get the man that he was before back. I know this hurts to hear, but he is now a changed man. A man with ptsd to deal with. It's life long, but that doesn't mean he can't begin to heal the hurt so that he is a functional, loving, caring, human being.

I understand how frustrating this is for you. I don't wish PTSD on anyone because of the pain it causes for the person suffering and for their family. I know that when I was going through the worst part of it, I was so numb that I didn't love anyone. My kids, my hubs, or myself. I just sat in my misery until finally I began to accept the fact that healing wasn't going to happen by itself. I had to physically and mentally make it happen. I had to put effort into it. PTSD is the kind of hurt that time will NOT heal. It will stay there until dealt with.

Keep posting and venting on here...

Email is good.
Try it. But I wouldn't expect a response all the time. Just write anyway. He may feel part of the family even if he's not participating.

Hugs to you Hannah...
PS nice chatting with you the other night..

 

[Nam]

i could use a pseudonym and dupe him is that ethical???? exsapserated sorry

Do not do this. Be honest. Be true. Be stable. He will come to recognize that as very good traits in you.

 

[ranger2_75]

Hanna Iagree with Nam. I would feel betrade if some one did that to me.
If youve herd the term brutal honesty thats the key. I don't meen to say that you should go out of your way to be harsh but there are some things that when put honestly are and that is the way it is. i guess I'm saying don't pull punches but also obviously don't take that as you need to be hurtfull either.

 

[ranger2_75]

P.S. NO i'M NOT SAYING IT'S JUST YOU.
Can't play the self blame game with this. It's all about him.
This crap changes a persons thought patterns.
We realy are not our selves. There are times where this stuff flares up for all of us. Truley during these times "we" (those who suffer) are not our selves.

 

[Terry]

Welcome Hanna, I've been dealing with PTSD for about 20 years. I aggree 100% with Ranger and Nam. My wife Kim (Tig) and I were separated for almost a year. It was her being near as in a phone call and her persistance that helped us thru this difficult time. Kim did as much research as she could on PTSD that made the difference. It's too hard to explain what goes thru my head but like Ranger said it's not you and do be bruttaly honest. I think esp. with guys we need to hear it that why to understand.
Take care, your in the right place. Hopefully he can find his way to this site.

 

[YoungAndAngry]

Hi Hanna and welcome :)

I remembering be at the state, I would zone out for hours (heck, I still do that)
But it isn't meant to hurt you or the relationship, he most likely just want's "quiet".
Things are constantly running through his mind, it is exhausting and often extremly hard to concentrate.
When you are approaching him.. what is he doing?
Is he reading or in the middle of doing something that requires mental work???

I've gotten so much better over the months,
yet this morning when I was typing on the computer, my partner asked me un-important questions every couple of minutes... I flipped!!!
He didn't mean to upset me, and I didn't want to explode.
Because of these situations... I sometimes try to just numb myself... at the moment I don't want to feel anymore, because all I'm feeling right now is pain.

Or maybe your husband knows how "different" he is now, and is embarresed or frusterated.
and doesn't want you to see it.
If you can get him into therapy I would suggest doing that ASAP.
He can get coping techniqes to use when he gets stressed.


Take care, and I hope things calm down for you,
Y&A

 

[hannah]

Thanks for the above - he is frustrated and embarrased he did open to me months ago and was ashamed of the way he was selfish and wasnt there for us when my dad died.....he dissapeard for a week and wont tell me where he went and the questions I asked did his head in.... did mine in too

has says he wants to get "back to the man he was 5 years ago needs to heal if he doesnt kill himself trying?" he gets really frustrated when I ask him what he means. He says he cant plan hes living day by day but yesterdy he has told our daughter he was shopping yesterday in order to take his sister a birthday present! next weekend perhaps he just cant stand to plan to be with me no perhaps about it .... feeling sorry for myself now as he is communicating with kids - little tit bits but sees me as the enemy.

 

[YoungAndAngry]

Hannah,

I doubt he sees you as an enemy, as you said

he is frustrated and embarrased he did open to me months ago and was ashamed of the way he was selfish and wasnt there for us when my dad died

Trust me, this is not an easy thing to admit.
And not something he would tell someone he didn't care about.

So... he told your daughter that he was going shopping,
that's not a negative thing, that's a positive thing!
Who knows, maybe the only reason she told her and not you,
was because she was the one "there" when he was in a lighter mood.
If you were the one in the room, you probally would have been the one told.

When you are at the point I believe your husband is at,
you can't look past "right now",
because there are so many thoughts racing through our minds that we have to constantly fight to stay in reality.

Imagine....

... *%!#! .... aughhhhh


K. for perfect example......
Just right now.
I have been trying to type this response out to you.
My boyfriend has inturrupted my concentration several times throughout it.
Just by asking my opinion or random questions (ex: where's the cordless phone? what movie would you be open to watching at the theatre?)
I had told him several times to just give me 10 friggin minutes to myself.

The last thing he asked me (he's trying to plan a "date night" for us because I NEVER go out willingly)
I just snapped again.
Losing concentration is soooooooo friggin frusterating, I can't handle it.
I have to fight all my racing thoughts just to respond with thought.
Let alone have outside directions.
And I get so frusterated with myself.

So in the little time it took me to write this post.
I have gone from a decent mood... to furious... over nothing.

I'll be back to try and finish my thoughts on your last post when I calm down.

 

[hannah]

young and angry
thanks for your input - and that does make sense - somewhat - however the facts are that he is happy to take my calls as long as they are quiet and calm- but there is no chat !!!just as it was at home but he is telling the kids of his plans .... (he mostly texts them.... strange he also doesnt answer straight away always likes to ring back in a few seconds)....... where he would inform me first -
I know this sounds daft as he has made it perfectly clear that he doesnt know if he is ever coming back just that he needs to sort his head out and see how he feels at the other side !!!!!Just feels so unatural to hear his "life" from our kids - this has been going on for a long time - unable to communicate with me.

Sorry if your post to me caused your situation to be upset .... look forward to your reply .... take care

 

[erryyn]

Here’s the thing. I suck at relationships and, really, have no business responding to your problem. But I do have a friend who I know loves me and I love her (not romantic). If it occurred to me, I could call her and ask for help; if it were in me, I could call a couple of my friends and ask for help but this one comes to mind because she drives me nuts.

She likes to call me just to ‘chat’. To me, this means saying nothing at all and is usually a waste of time (in my opinion, to be honest). She knows most of my history and, while I rarely talk about it, she is aware that I have my moments and problems (i.e. ‘issues’). But she shows she cares by calling, sending emails, and generally trying to stay in touch. For someone like me, I react as if she’s invading my space and will, sometimes, turn my phone off so that she can’t contact me. Then she wants to tell me how that hurts her as it’s a very valid way, for most people, to want to stay in touch, talk, and spend some time in person, or on the phone, talking about what’s going on.

But, for me, I feel invaded and like she’s trying to pull a guilt thing – I have other friends who will make the comment “I haven’t heard from you in ‘x’ amount of time” and I tend to respond negatively. For me, I wish this person would just leave me alone but I don’t want to hurt her, or them, by saying that they should stay the bleep away from me. I know that would hurt them because they don’t, really, understand.

I’ve been dealing with some of this stuff for over twenty years and, in many ways, I’m not much better today than I was back then. But that is me. I’ve noticed that my longest running friendships are those with whom I have no close ties; they don’t ask me questions and I always have a ready ear for them as I do other people’s problems much better than my own (unless my phone is off and I’m having way too much ‘leave me alone time’). But that’s the problem. They don’t challenge me; we like and love each other, but there are set boundaries which make me very happy. I honestly don’t know how they feel about it.

But as for my other friend, she gets frustrated because she can not reach me. And she can’t. The more she tries, the angrier I get, the more I avoid her. But that has nothing to do with her except for the fact that she demonstrates over and over that she loves me. And there are too many times that I hate it and can’t deal with it.

It may different with me, though, than it is with your husband. I decided to tell my friend almost everything and I could tell that it made her uncomfortable. A couple of times, I started talking about things that were bothering me, past stuff, and she changed the subject. When I asked why she changed the subject, she deflected the question. When I tried talking again, she changed the subject again. And I was done – finished; forever amen. I’ve never tried to speak with her about past stuff again. I know I’m scary good at just cutting off relationships and shutting them down. And when she calls me to ‘chat’ I have no interest. And I know I’m not being fair but, by her avoidance what I told her was important to me (even two times), I decided I wouldn’t try again.

Now you may be everything or nothing at all like my friend. But if your husband ever has something he wants to say, I would say listen, and listen closely. For me, it’s too easy to shut down and shut people out. If you have always had a ready ear, you’ll never know how precious that is … and how much he may need it now or later. But, again, like the others have said, it’s not you; not you personally, not the way you behave, not what you do or don’t do. He might not be ready to take a step forward. And if he takes a step back, don’t take four steps forward to stay in front of him – he might respond defensively and hurtfully in an effort to ‘defend’ his space. I can not say what to do; again, I’m monumentally unqualified to do so.

But if you have the fortitude to be a constant, unwavering, loving presence with an open ear when the time comes – bless you. Those people are rare and as beautiful and precious as anything. But it may take time and he may keep pushing away from you. That you’re here indicates a willingness to listen, learn, and do what you need to do to defend that relationship. For him, thank you, it’s good to hear. He may make a couple of cautious forays out to see what’s going on; if he’s still in the middle of what he’s dealing with, I’d say treat those forays cautiously. It’s too easy to run back under cover.

But, again, that’s me and it may not be any help at all.

PS –And for God’s sake, don’t be the type to constantly say, “I’m, here if you want to talk” (unless you know, for sure/positively that he needs to hear it). Believe me, we always know where other people are. If you are just there, always available no matter what, we’ll find you. I can’t imagine what it’s like on the receiving end – again, thank you for trying to understand. I usually don’t and I’m in the middle of it.

 

[hannah]

thanks for your insight - I really appreciate the time and I take all of what you say on board...... I am getting a better understanding of this thanks again...... the problem is I feel so "alien" myself now having to change my behaviour in order to "be one step ahead" so to speak. Natural reactions have to be quelled in order to hold on to the relationship. Breakthrough the other day he rang to give me his "home" telephone number..... was a shock he said I could ring him there in the evening!!!!! Why is he not ringing me and yet has openly invited me to ring him..... is he doing what you do and not wanting to hurt me ....just providing me with a means that is acceptable to him...... I know noone can answer these questions only him and I dare not ask!!! thank god for this site.