Relationship Husband Lied About Ptsd

[Lied to]

So my husband has combat PTSD but when we met he did not tell me he was diagnosed with PTSD and he did not even tell me he ever deployed. I noticed some symptoms but he explained them away.

He did not tell me he had PTSD until we were married.

Fast forward to now. He never really told me he was sorry. All I get is snobbiness and stoicism. I told him how unhappy I am with his lies and all I got was a blank stare.

He is a good husband otherwise and I don't want to resent him. Can someone please explain his behaviour?

 

[anthony]

Maybe he didn't feel it was an issue at that time, i.e. he had it under control and thus it wasn't something noteworthy, as many a PTSD sufferer will treat their PTSD and no longer have the issues. It is a minority with lifetime PTSD.

 

[Lied to]

Thanks! Unfortunately his PTSD became worse and now is causing stress to both of us.
I am unhappy he did not tell me and think I had a right to have that information.

I do understand that he might have thought it unnecessary but now that it turns out that his assessment was wrong it would be cool if he at least admitted that he should have told me.

Now he is unwilling to discuss why he lied and does not seem to be sorry for the hurt his lie caused to me and the children. I cried about it and he did not even react. Why is he so stoic? He is a great husband but that sucks.

 

[anthony]

Ok, so he was wrong, but that does that make it a lie as you are stating and have within your emotions.

On the one hand you say he is a great husband, yet the other I read as though you are attacking him. That is your problem, not his, and I don't see his non-disclosure as lying to you. Lying is telling an untruth, something false. He didn't do that, that is your interpretation.

I understand you may be upset, frustrated and even angry, but what you have reconciled in your mind and what you are describing, two different things.

If you came at me stating I lied to you, I would walk away from you and not talk to you either. How you approach this is as much your responsibility as his. There is a difference between him not telling you something, lying to you and being dishonest / deceptive by intent to harm you.

Ask yourself, is he trying to harm me? If the answer is no, then you need to approach him in a different manner to discuss the issue, because accusing him and such isn't going to help your relationship or the problem at hand.

This is just my opinion based on what I'm reading. I may be reading and interpreting things completely incorrectly.

 

[Lucycat]

I am unhappy he did not tell me and think I had a right to have that information.
.

Sorry, I disagree. It would have been simpler if he told you but you do not have a right to know. For any medical discussion a person has to consent to information being shared - even with a spouse. That is because there is no right to know about diagnosis, treatment etc.

I can see that this has caused problems between you. But remember so many people are scared of a mental health diagnosis. They do not tend to go round sharing it. Wrong for sure - but there persists a sense of shame. That is particularly tough if you are used to being a strong individual.

I would suggest that the focus is changed to how you can move forwards together rather than what he omitted to tell you before.

 

[Lied to]

Thanks again! You might have a point there. He might feel under attack. Actually I find it difficult to understand what he is feeling because he is not the emotional type.

What would you suggest? What should I do?

He did not tell me the truth about his deployment too. I did ask him if he ever deployed and he said something like "not really" - an odd answer because "not really deployed" sounds like "only a little bit pregnant". Then he changed the topic. Now I wish if only I had understood his remark then things would have been much easier for me.

If he had really told me about his deployment and I would have had some information on PTSD it would have been much easier for me to understand his symptoms - but he did not and I did not understand them and blamed myself.

I find it difficult to trust him because I don't know what other things he omits or tells the untruth about.

 

[anthony]

Not telling you about his deployment... well... that is leaving out an aspect of his past, sure, and I would agree a little deceptive as a major part of his past, i.e. partners typically know the big stuff about each others pasts before getting married.

The first issue with PTSD is that he must want to help himself. Saying that, you as his partner are not the help he needs, you are support and the person who keeps him in check, i.e. you don't become his doormat, but don't enable bad behaviour either. It's a balancing act and fine line, no doubt about it. If he wants to help himself and continue with your relationship, then he will seek to help himself via some professional therapy.

Even at the basic level, he needs to talk with other veterans to get what is in his head out, to ensure he doesn't get worse. We do have a Link Removed veteran only community which he can join and speak with other combat vets, just to get stuff out of his head.

He also needs to start talking with you, even if you agree to say nothing other than to listen. Don't try and fix him, because you can't. He has to fix himself, as he is the only one who can do it. Therapy is a tool... a person must always want to help themselves, and to do that, he must recognise and understand the issues present that he needs to look at the underlying cause and find solutions that work for everyone involved.

 

[Lied to]

Thanks guys! My husband has a buddy who happens to be a vet but apart from this friend he does not like to talk to ex or current military members

He actually avoids them like the plague.
I noticed that he avoids movies about PTSD. He cannot watch them - even if PTSD is not central to the movie or series. He had to watch "The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill And Came Down A Mountain" because we had friends over at our house, who wanted to watch it. Unfortunately one of the characters has PTSD and my husband "abused him", he ridiculed him and shouted insults at the TV. "Johnny Shellshocked" of course did not notice because he is just a character in a movie but he might not feel ready to meet people like him yet.

I think he talks to his buddy though.

My husband is in CB therapy. It has been helpful so far.

 

[chicken sammich]

When I met my Marine vet I complimented him on his t-shirt. It was a dog with a soldier graphic. He thanked me and told me about his PTSD canine companion, and that started our romance right away. In some ways his open honesty is what reeled me in! I am the type of person that has trust issues, so upon meeting someone new I would normally do some internet snooping to protect myself from potential dangers from becoming involved.
I understand how you are feeling. Living with PTSD has its challenges, but is manageable if the victim takes proper action (therapy, meds). Our relationship has been a roller coaster from the get-go, but knowing that PTSD is a part of his life has truly helped me become a more patient person and girlfriend. I do hope your husband will include you in future information. It is not a pretty illness - no pink ribbons or way to market it other than a deep dark mental place that if not treated with kindness and love, can ruin a person's lust for life.
My advice is to take this week to focus on all of his strengths and yours as well. Staying positive and having a sense of humor are keys that I have discover help us through the darker days. Hugs to you. xo

 

[RussH]

Is it possible that while your husband had the diagnosis of PTSD that a part of him was still in denial?
It is one thing to be given the diagnosis, and another thing entirely to accept it. If he was still in denial, then not telling you would be more of a symptom of PTSD and not him covering it up.

Secondly his not wanting to talk about it my be him trying to hide his self- condemnation of being so weak that he has this problem.

I am not saying that either one of these is the case, but just giving some possible reasons for his actions.

 

[Justmehere]

Sounds like he really hates himself for having PTSD, and projects that hate onto anyone else with it. He is probably 100x more brutal towards himself in his own head. He is probably angrier at himself and blames himself more than anyone else is upset or angry at him.

 

[darrenS]

its sounds a bit unfair that he has not shared this crucial information until now , and then by what you say , you get no more information. Regardless of the illness , i find this to be very disconcerting behaviour, it is one thing to hide a important fact , it is another to deny someone the right to make an informed choice. If he has hidden his ptsd diagnosis or combat experience , you would have to ask yourself what else is being hidden. Im sorry to hear you have been put in this position.