Relationship Husband of wife that has c-ptsd from severe childhood trauma, looking for support

[Geo]

Hello I have been with my now wife for 12 years, she was only 15 when I met her and I was 18, didn't know anything about her last or hidden issues in our relationship, she would always make life seem just about perfect and seemed loving on most aspects or at least seemed that way, one year into our relationship I found out she was in contact with a bad guy that got out of juvy from stabbing a couple people, so I had ended the relationship, after 3 weeks gone she began to text me and tell me she was very sorry for doing it and needed me and that she loved me and wanted me back and she wouldn't do anything again so I went back and we slowly started to talk but weren't back together for 3 months after that, relationship seemed fine and I was even a little hesitant about if she was goona do it again, but certain things I couldn't find so I assumed all was good she began to love me and we connected, everything was normal or so I thought, after about 8 years of dating I found out she was in contact with more men and more bad guys, which was after having our daughter, I attempted to get her help, I started to think their was something, not just a normal thing to do, she didn't want to talk to her therapist , she went for few visits but didn't end up talking really, so her help pretty much stopped at that point, she told me and pleaded with me that what ever her issues were that she could stop them on her own and sort through herself, I believed her again and had faith in her to manage it, she stopped for a period of time but after we had our son, second child with in a few months she again started back up again chatting to certain men and sexually sending pictures and videos of herself to them and also saying she loved them and wanted them, again bad guys not good dudes, guys with issues and also charges against them too, bit of a story now but she is finally going to trauma related therapy she finally started going to and saw a phyciatrist other day which ended up with being put on mild form of anti depressants, for her bad depression and dissociative tendencies, phyciatrists only told her emotional detachment from what appears to me severe sexual abuse from her father and other related trauma abandement issues and the constant need to re live trauma in the form of sexual acts over her phone and being addicted to relationships with those same men on a loving level or so what it seems to me, her councillor believes ptsd but oviously the phyciatrists told her also what she may have is not able to be diagnosed which I know is c-ptsd complex version of post traumatic stress disorder, fear of abandement, depression and seeking out and re living the traumatic event in the form of masturbation over her phone to other men, even now she has about 15 or 20 men she is in contact with by text, and some of them live in same town as we do so I have my worries, as soon as you confront her she snaps and loves to lye, bends reality and almost becomes a split of herself different person to cover over that part of her life, even over Facebook, she has huge social media addiction which is form of her disasotiation from myself and kids, which is why she said to me she got on the anti depressants as she felt very depressed and felt very obligated to try and be happy and to try and connecting but she doesn't connect on too many levels, only brief moments with kids and at times can seem like a parent but lots of times just can't seem to connect with kids, she is very good at pushing me away and then re pulling me back in, chats about future even with having wanting another child with me and getting married but which technically are engaged as I proposed to her when we had our daughter, now that I know she has this regardless of the pain, that I have I have this undying feeling of wanting to help her through this as she is bad enough that the chances of actual rape can happen again, as her father sexually molested her from age 4 and into her pre teen age of 10 or 11 when her mom and dad divorced, she was a daddies girl growing up and has spent lots of our relationship trying to connect with her dad and be in his life regardless of him doing what he did and treating her so badly over phone when she did manage to get a hold of him, her father ended up leaving after diverse and molesting 3 other kids, two males and one girl for over 10 years, as well, no remorse for his actions, which oviously with c-ptsd

 

[ladee]

Glad you shared and glad you are here. I hope you spend a lot of time reading the supporter side of the forum... you are going to see your story, different versions, over and over.... and what you are going to see, is each one of us telling you, over and over, is that nothing you do will help or harm her.. Until she decides she needs help, stays with it... stays on her meds so that her brain clears some, and is determined to make a new life for herself....
I have high regard to the supporters that can stay and try to love us anyway.. Things are bad enough when we are getting help and making progress, not to mention the nightmare of not getting help..

I do hope for both of you, and your children, that she stays the course this time.... if you do have to leave, please take the kids with you... She doesn't mean to ignore them... she just doesn't know how to be a mom or wife.. she is stuck in her trauma.

You have a lot of understanding about what is going on with her, and I commend you for your knowledge... but you HAVE to take care of you and the kids...We don't want to see your kids here one day posting on the PTSD side because they were left with a mom that didn't know what to do..

You can't 'love' her to health, and you have to take care of you and the kids... please don't add another baby to this mix. just my opinion, for what it's worth.

Glad you reached out and hope you stay around and read and learn more... and post when you are having good days and bad.. You are not alone and we do understand... from both sides... best wishes for you , your kids and her, that she stays with therapy, stays on her meds and starts to heal....

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I can't think of anything helpful to add in the moment but want to welcome you and wish you well. Thank you for seeking help and trying to learn more.

 

[Suzetig]

What an awful situation for everyone - no she can't help what happened to her and her past has clearly left its mark.

As someone who loves her, your first responsibility is to yourself and your kids - you can be of no use to her if you aren't well and the kids aren't safe. You need to do whatever it takes to protect yourself, set healthy boundaries and use supports here, seek therapy etc because this is a hard road you're all on. If you think she is exposing your children to risk through her contact with these men you also need to address that in a way that protects them because your wife may not be able or willing to do that.

Once all of that is in place, then you can try to support your wife's recovery. Do it in any other order and you'll all go down with the ship. Good luck and welcome to the forum.

 

[Geo]

Thanks so much for the quick reply, I love my kids lots and, now that we have two, I want nothing more to then protect them and keep them safe, especially in this time, I know now with her conflicted thoughts being from c-ptsd until she is in help long enough that even when she posts certain things even in positive way I beilve it to be just mere making things seem perfect for anyone else, regardless of anything till she is in help long enough, to re wire her brain thought process, I also believe on some level that our kids are a trigger for her too, early stages of being born for first 4 months seems to connect on well as baby needs the constant attention through the night so I believe it to be when we first had both kids, helped curb her abandement issues and the constant need for attention, up till kids hit certain age and now our daughter is 4 and I am starting to think our daughter is a trigger for her based from the trauma, I have never said that to her as oviously I realize now that ptsd doesn't like to be confronted on stuff, I have reached out to my family and also her family too, for support and gave them info about this page and other books now that I have read, Pete walkers book complex post traumatic stress disorder from surviving to thriving has been a great book for me to read, for info, but yes I do have concerns on not just my kids safety but also my wife's as with all the reading I have done now, I can understand on some level what prob runs through her thoughts associated with trauma, I am happy she made the step to phyciatrists to be put on meds but also worry for side effects associated with anti depressants,

 

[Geo]

She actually omitted lastnight that she went on them to help to connect more with kids and me as she felt so depressed that she said she felt so forced to try hard at being happy for us but just couldn't and from that can't connect, so wanted to take something to hopefully help to aid in bringing down her bad depression and be able to connect more,

 

[Gamera3000]

I just wanted to add in case no one has mentioned this to you yet that you should make sure to keep your daughter away from your wife's dad. If he was creepy at his kid he would be creepy at his granddaughter as well. You can just assume that.

One of my abusers is my second oldest brother. I don't have any daughters, but my sister does. Our brother laid low and waited until her oldest daughter was about to turn 18 (that's his target age) and then he started trying to talk to her, in just the way he did to me. That's what these guys do. Your wife may not be in a place where she can accept that right now, so you need to step in and make sure you protect your little girl.

 

[ladee]

That is a good sign that she recognizes that she is harming the kids.... you are an amazing man and sending lots of hope that things start down a better path for all of you... take care of yourself and your kids, and allow her the space to take care of herself....

By the way, I loved what you said about PTSD does not like to be confronted... I have never heard it put that way, but you are so very right.... you are gaining knowledge and have love, compassion and empathy.... that will go a long ways... but please hear what we are saying about taking care of yourself.... you can't do it all, all the time... you have to have time to process your own feelings, time to relax... something fun to do,maybe with the kids, sometimes without them.... to re energize your spirit....

We are listening and supporting you and your family.

 

[Geo]

That is a good sign that she recognizes that she is harming the kids.... you are an amazing man and sendi...

Thank you for the kind words, I am and always have been a super empathetic man, prob got that from my mom that is no longer here, she was also super empathic lady with anyone including strangers she saw on street not a mean bone in her body, but yea I have tried reaching out to therapy for me but sad thing is where we live their isn't much for spousal support for dealing with it only more so for her to work through for herself which is great if she can keep going, I attempted to go to therapy for myself and my feelings but no matter what I always stem back to my wife and how she is, weired thing I know, I help myself more by reading as much as possible on how trauma can re wire the brain and all amygadalla high jackings from childhood associated trauma, chatting with family and now this group that I just came on to, she had a very messed up childhood from super bad sexual abuse from her father for 8 years of her life then after he left home she got herself raped by another man that came into her home which she invited over when her mom wasn't home and working, I have been with her for long time now and after all these years I can really see how much she goes through day to day now and now I don't take things as nearly as personally anymore with all that I read up on to gain myself information, I as well come from a little bit of a messed up childhood myself which I got my own therapy for years ago to get over what I did, which also I believe further cements my empathetic nature even more as I know what trauma can affect,

 

[Geo]

That is a good sign that she recognizes that she is harming the kids.... you are an amazing man and sendi...

I also from all my reading, starting to wonder if the kids actually give her flashbacks as that childhood for her, she has never omitted that to me or anyone else but we have two kids one girl and one boy, daughter is same age as she was when the sexual abuse started happening in her memory, around 4 years old, from what she knows, she uses her phone lots and depending on the day and how she is which I presume she can spend 85 percent of that time on it, at moments she can connect with kids, seem like a mom, reads them books, plays with them, which makes me happy when she does, as I know having kids is a responsibility to them to provide them with as much care and empathy, love nurturing, building on life, not that I am judging her at all because to even live day to day with that amount of trauma I can totally empathize with, but yea depending on how much she is on her phone, can dictate on how much time is spent connecting with the kids, but now after reading and getting more info, depression and or ptsd c-ptsd, if the kids give her flashbacks more so daughter, can make her disassociate from them, which she openly omitted to and I told her I was proud of her for coming to that realization, and gave her a big hug, rubbed her back and cemented that I am happy she is on them and if it allows her to hopefully connect to us more or at least kids more than that is a good thing, and that I am proud of her for seeking out an childhood trauma therapist to further assist her in her healing, she missed on session on April 5th for a flash back is what she told me, her father's birthday so she was too emotional to go to therapy, I just hope she can recognize that as painful as it might be healing can be done if she can let it happen, her step sister went through her own therapy for a few years too over my wife's father as he ended up molesting her and her 2 brothers after his first diverse with my wife's mom, he got with another woman and spent 10 years molesting them too, incest molestation can really have some very serious effects on how the brain sees life, I am more angered by what this man has caused quite a few kids in life and all the associated trauma,

 

[ladee]

As long as you know we are here for YOU too... empaths can get lost in others peoples pain...but sounds as tho you are grounded enough to know you need breaks sometimes.... I truly appreciate how loving you are toward her and the kids.... and also good to hear you tended to your own trauma.....

Keep us updated....sending gentle hugs to you and your family.

Many of us here endure this everyday... childhood sexual abuse... and anger is only good for motivation for us... if we get stuck in anger, it helps no one, especially us... and yes we get angry, and we need to get angry, but we also have to move from that place as it will destroy us... the best revenge is getting well !!!

 

[Geo]

As long as you know we are here for YOU too... empaths can get lost in others peoples pain...but sounds a...

Thank you so much and I know that I will be using all of you for support and also to gain even more info from other survivors of abuse and ptsd c-ptsd, again thanks to all for this amazing forum and help