I find this very, very sad. Sheldon liked to analyze things, because that's how he is. I'm sure he wished he could feel...but we do feel things. We are blocked off, unavailable emotionally. Some of us have been taught this (through military training, school, parents) but for most of us it's a direct result of trauma. The more you feel, the more it'll go away, melt and you'll integrate the emotional pieces of your life... so much of what I was, was I thought just me. I'm growing and learning and uncovering parts of me I thought I'd previously lost or forgotten. ...It's miraculous. I'm in the noisiest public library ever right now, so hard to concentrate - but I'm typing this and feeling things like a river. A flow and a synchronous rhythm exists to the inner fabric of my life now, that was lacking and painfully absent before. This is life...how it was/ is supposed to be.I'm growing by leaps and bounds, every day.
I'd like to recommend this book that's helping me a lot. It's The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook. So much of what I learned and how I developed was impacted by trauma...I'm learning literally re-learning and reconstructing myself and how to be. It's very sad, but also heartwarming and incredibly joyous. I'm recovering parts of myself piecemeal and slowly that I hadn't felt or experienced in years. I'm becoming whole again.
Nowhere have I suffered more than in my relationships with the opposite sex. I'm an attractive guy, but had never done well with jobs, with women or in relationships. It's very sad... I'm figuring out that I hadn't the room emotionally to be able to handle or to reciprocate with women. I just developed all these coping strategies and mechanisms that keep me safe and compensate; anger, isolation, etc. It rubs females the wrong way, and they don't understand...they have attacked me viciously at work, etc. etc. I have missed out unfortunately on many nice and wonderful experiences. I've never had a deep, connected and satisfying relationship. I'm 31. I can't think of anything sadder than that. I've lived an incredibly painful life, and am in process of healing and growing like never have before.
Come closer to your feelings and feel them; the iceberg isolation thinking/ruminating and dissociation will evaporate like a mist over the mountain of your life; slowly, slowly. It happens. You'll reintegrate and start growing in ways you may have missed. It's a process, and I have much learning and practice to do...things that should've occurred during adolescence that didn't, because of trauma.
It's very sad and I mourn that I wasn't helped by healthcare professionals who were surrounding me, all around me but didn't ever catch the culprit (trauma)...how could that be?
I ask myself how can that happen. I look at this kid who shot 17 people at his school and wonder if he could've been helped; surely he had some form of trauma and slipped through a system. It's so very, incredibly sad. How can this be? Trauma is the most basic thing...yet it goes missed by all or most healthcare professionals - in search of 'chic' or trendy labels...of which there seem to be no shortage of, and they'll readily prescribe meds.
Just makes you wonder and be glad for today, that you're healing and blessed for where you're at on the journey.
