Relationship I’m beat up by guilt and not knowing what to do.

[Justmehere]

I don’t think anyone here is telling you what you should feel. What you feel is what you feel.

What would be most helpful to you at this time?

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I don’t think anyone here is telling you what you should feel. What you feel is what you feel.

W...

I’m feeling exactly how I should feel which is fine. I thank all for giving their opinions, but I accept what’s happened. He may return or he may not and that’s ok. I’ve shared too much as it is, and I don’t feel comfortable sharing anymore because I see that’s it’s all been taking out of context and misconstrued. He’s not a bad person, he feels as if I betrayed him and I’ve apologized, end of story. Guilt caused me to seek solace and insight from others by them sharing how they dealt with their SO and misunderstandings or questions of trust? That’s all, nothing more.

 

[Tinyflame]

Probably guilt and care, @B.J. -?

Hugs to you if you don’t mind

Thank you. :hug:

If it was isolation I don't think he would answer anyone's calls

Just for me, ^^ , I'd be hard-pressed to ever answer anyone's calls, or make them at any time, FWIW, I text or e-mail. I think having to answer a text or e-mail is one of very few ways that brings me out of hiding/ isolation. That's just me though. I'm usually feeling un-inclined to.

I really like @TwilightDream 's post #33.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Thank you @Junebug! With respect to your answer, what would you do if I may ask to come out of isolation?

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you’re trying too hard and pushing boundaries. He already doesn’t trust you, has broken up with you, and now you’re asking what you can do to get him to come out of isolation?

I get that you’re hurting, I truly do. You’re prolonging your own pain by not accepting the reality of the situation. I understand that you want him back, but you’re just not getting it.

I think that many supporters, yourself included, label breakups as isolation as to blame the disorder instead of facing the truth that there was something majorly wrong with the relationship.

I see you flip from blaming ptsd to blaming him and saying he’s a jerk, and that’s why things ended, but you don’t really accept your role in all of this. I understand that it HURTS!

I hope you are able to accept the reality of this situation. All of the posting you’re doing may help you process, but not if you argue with everyone who says anything but “this is textbook isolation, he will come running back soon”.

You are in pain because you cannot accept reality and you want to change things from what they actually are.

 

[Buttercup]

Hello @Buttercup , nice to meet ya!

This intrigues me. Please tell me how yo...

Hi there @TwilightDream, nice to meet you too! I started to read your diary but it was after midnight and I couldn't keep my eyes open!

Well, it is not easy! But ultimately, if the other person isn't willing to talk and work things out, there really is no other option but to accept it. It takes time, and thoughts of him never truly went away, but I felt a lot better within myself. I know his feelings for me and I know he just can't do it, and I know that causes him distress too. I did a lot of meditating. A lot of reading (Marianne Williamson for one. Can't recommend her enough). Exercising and focusing on other things that are important to me like my kid, my job and my friends. And I got a dog! She is so great and brings me a lot of joy even if she is a pain in my ass.

Unfortunately, my problem is he does (or has) always come back to try again and the same thing happens over and over and I have to get over him over and over and I am now at my wits end. But that is another thread! :confused::wtf:

What's mixed in to this formula is their own healing, their own ability to detach, and their SO's willingness to do the very best they can. This includes an unspoken understanding, that the SO treasures and places significance on the relationship as well.

^^yes, underscore the SO's willingness to try and to show up to the relationship. Communication! Working through things together. Without that, it's just the one of us working and trying at it. :banghead:

That's all I got! Hope it helps in some way.

 

[TwilightDream]

@Junebug , thank you very much. I have read many of your posts. You are incredibly wise, and many of your words, and the way you deliver your thoughts and feelings, brings me a sense of peace.

@Buttercup , thanks for your insight! I will check out Marianne Williamson for sure. I am also trying to do a lot of the same self care things that you are. I did want to ask you, how long are you guys broken up for when he does come back to try again? The reason I ask this, is because, normally, once I have fully accepted the relationship to be over, I have not been able to try again. Not saying I don't reach a place of peace and understanding with exes. I can conversate and catch up. Often they want to try again, but I do not. With my ex SO in this case, I feel like it's somehow different. With prior exes, it's been habitual cheating, drug addiction, etc. I could wrap my head around the fact that I didn't want to do that again. It was imperative, that if I wanted to continue to live on planet earth, I could not take those chances. But in my current situation, I'm really not sure if I would be willing to try again. If I may ask, what is it that makes you willing with your partner?

 

[Buttercup]

@Junebug , thank you very much. I have read many of your posts. You are incre...

There are a few things that keep me coming back, @TwilightDream . One, I truly feel like he is my soulmate. It's that kind of feeling, ya know? Two, I see him struggling, and I keep the hope that he can pull through and work with me. Three, I am at a place in my life (middle age and all that brings) where I can take the time to be patient and support. I'm not looking to get married and rush into anything. I can take things slowly. Four, I admire and respect him very much. He is truly a good man with a huge heart. He wants to do good, and he wants to keep trying. So far, anyway.

But, even with all of this, there is a limit. Sadly. I just hate the crap he goes through and it's frustrating.

 

[Buttercup]

P.S. I also think @Junebug is very wise and helpful.

 

[TwilightDream]

@B.J. I've seen many posts on this site relating to PTSD vs "the person". I think this is what I was speaking on earlier when I said that I was hell bent on excusing anything in the name of mental illness. I would just tell myself, this isn't her, it's the PTSD. But in fact, the two are actually one.

What gives me better perspective on this is my own depression. I have had issues with major depression since I was a child. I have now come to realize, that I view the world through the lenses of depression. Somewhat foggy, but it is my view. For example, I love to tell little stories, so bear with me... I was driving down the street the other day in the rain. I live in a major city, and there's many tent encampments that people live in. I was listening to that old Phil Collins song, "In the Air Tonight". It was perfectly fitting theme music to my intense mood. And as I approached the tent city, the drum part came on, lol, yeah you know the part. But anyways, as I observed, I was flooded with intense emotions, pain, reflections. About the world, about my life, about my experience. Why don't people see? Why can't people stand up for what's right, help their fellow man? You get the gist. These things followed me throughout the day.

I guess what I'm saying is that that there's no depression, and me. I am both. It is so ingrained in me as a part of who I am. I couldn't imagine someone saying, that's not Twilight Dream lol, that's just her depression. So I guess that's helpful for me when trying to understand PTSD.

As far as isolation, depression can draw you to isolate. I'm not sure if the isolations feel the same as with PTSD, but I can definitely be the supreme isolator. For me, when it comes to isolation, there is nothing any human being on earth can do to pull me out. When I was younger, I had no understanding that my behavior affected, even hurt others. In my mind, I would think, why are these people bothering me? I'm not bothering them. But with age and experience, I have learned that it affects others. It can be hell on relationships with SO's. It can make friends feel like I'm mad at them, or there's a reason that I'm not speaking to them. Because I wouldn't explain, I just wouldn't speak to them. But now I try harder. I try to compromise, and I try to communicate better. I had to come to the realization that if a person does not have depression, they can't possibly understand without explanation. People I know that do, I don't even have to explain. They do the same shit I do. There's never a question about our relationship or friendship, if a text goes unanswered. Even if many texts go unanswered. But with those who don't have it. I now explain. Meet them halfway. Let them know I'm going through something. It's not them, it's just where I'm at. And if they are true people in my life, they will respect that. If not, they are free to leave.

To pull out of it? Still a work in progress. But I have to put in the work. That means that when I'm wearing stinky pajamas and cowering in a dark corner, surrounded by animals, I have to get up. Do beyond the bear functioning necessities of life, and take those animals out for a walk. I have to be willing to spend time with others, even if I don't feel like it. I have to be willing to listen to my therapists suggestions. And believe me, what may seem like a simple activity to the next person, is a frickin nightmare for me. It takes SO MUCH WORK. I have to stop partaking in one of my favorite activities of dwelling on others, and concentrate on the work I need to do, to feel better.

Not sure if that's helpful for you or not, but I do hope you're feeling better today :hug:

 

[TwilightDream]

@Buttercup , thank you so much. I love what you said. I think if the stars were to ever align, and we were to see our way back to each other, that would be why. Dang near word for word :)

 

[Deleted member 33052]

My five cents (no more pennies in Canada)...as mentioned, ptsd doesn't cause a partner to cheat. Ptsd doesn't cause a partner to be violent. Ptsd doesn't cause a partner to be dysfunctional in a relationship. The abuse that caused the ptsd does those things.

Attachment issues, rejection issues, rage issues, abandonment issues? Those need to be healed. None of these are caused by ptsd. Like ptsd, they were caused by abuse.

Side note : @Rain ((((((((((Rain))))))))))