I’m curious

[Dynamic]

what do you think about couples that elect no opposite sex friends. As in singular. The gf having no male friends separate from the bf. (Isn’t a part of their daily lives such as a coworker in which obviously a working relationship is normal with healthy boundaries)

Is it immediately red flag? Or insecurity or are you on the other side where couples agree this is the standard?

Could you explain in most detail whatever you’re thinking don’t hold back within your comfort but I am very curious

Is it only elected by people who’ve been betrayed?

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm gay, so don't know if that makes a difference. But for me: massive red flag.
Friends are friends.
It's a choice to be in a relationship with someone. It is a choice to cheat. It is a choice to have friends.
It all comes down to trust.
You either trust your partner. Or you don't. And if you don't and tell them how to behave, then that is controlling someone because of that lack of trust.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I have more women friends than men. When I was married my wife due to her profession had more men friends. There were a couple times I felt a bit uneasy because know how guys think and they gave me reason to wonder about their intentions. This was like 2 or 3 times during our 28 year marriage. Having a restrictive rule seems to me likely to actually backfire over time. I would rather trust and risk being hurt than live with an artificial restriction.

 

[Sideways]

This would be entering coercive control territory, especially if it’s really one person’s insecurity rather than both.

There are some subcultures where this would be normal. Some religious sects, tradwives, etc. Social fringe groups.

But for the most part, I think it would be considered unhealthy. Especially when you consider the implications - does that mean there’s restrictions on social media or texting connections? How is that monitored? What about work or study colleagues? Are social outings okay only if they are same-sex (that’s entering pretty extreme territory).

That’s an awful lot of monitoring, control and social restriction (that’s the part that’s really unhealthy) for what benefit?

 

[Calmdown]

You can't prevent cheating that way anyway. But people need to be honest. Preventing cheating is about not getting into situations where cheating is likely. That means obviously you can have friends of the opposite gender but you should avoid certain situations. I never believe anyone who says "it just happened," because most of the time there was a clear path leading to that situation. People are just dishonest about that stuff.
Saying you should quit friendships for the relationship is a big red flag, but since people even lie to themselves, it's hard not to feel uneasy sometimes. Trust grows over time, that's the risk you have to take.

 

[Muttly]

You've gotten a lot of good answers, I'm curious what you think about those answers. And what lead you to have the questions.

 

[Dynamic]

I’ve also noticed a few times the same people who were okay with it, also said they didn’t care if people flirted with their partner.

One random person in my past, didn’t care if women kissed her husband as long as he went home with her.


I’m curious because I want to get married again and him and I both have had odd stalkers of the opposite sex. (One of mine was a friend of an ex boyfriend he was stalking me and being weird in my driveway while I was sleeping). Never flirted w him or anything.

I’ll write more of my thoughts later.

I’ve been feeling brain dead. But

Also my bf and I both similar in that people love talking to us and I just probably feel scared too

 

[Dynamic]

Okay so I guess this may be more about flirting

I have been described since young as a social butterfly. If a guy reads friendly wrong - I just say oh I have a man! Or something

Isn’t that normal?

My bf and I aren’t fighting or even debating this I think it started when I noticed I feel completely less insecure w M than my ex in some ways. Idk if it’s because I’ve already loved and lost a marriage. Or if it’s more based on how M is

He’s more like me in some ways perhaps why I feel more secure idk

But then I was wondering how much of our boundaries could be laid based on fear in relationships instead of what is actually appropriate. Now I’m realizing it’s what’s between the two ppl that matters.

What the agreements are - is really between the couple but I’m still curious

 

[Movingforward10]

If someonebmosreads your open friendliness as flirting, then that sounds a them issue rather than you needing to not have male friends.
If someone is stalking you, again that is a them issue and not your making.

It does sound like it is fear based, understandably, because of those horrible stalking experiences and men trying it on with you when you didn't want that.

 

[Muttly]

Now I’m realizing it’s what’s between the two ppl that matters.

I've been in and around a lot of different kind of relationships, including kink, queer and polyamorous. One of the best things I've learned is what you just said. The important thing is that consent is freely given. The hard thing, with PTSD is that sometimes we give consent because of "shoulds" or fear, not because we truly want to.

 

[Dynamic]

I love all the ways this discussion is exploring I’ll be back later

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

Preventing cheating is about not getting into situations where cheating is likely. That means obviously you can have friends of the opposite gender but you should avoid certain situations. I never believe anyone who says "it just happened," because most of the time there was a clear path leading to that situation.

This is my kind of mindset, based on how I was raised and my dad (and other family members) cheating when I was a child.
I don't think cheating often starts with someone deciding they want to go out n cheat. we're complex creatures, romance/sex is complex. saying "that will never happen!" and not looking at your behaviour doesn't really help.

what do you think about couples that elect no opposite sex friends. As in singular. The gf having no male friends separate from the bf.

I've never dated but the idea that someone can't have any opposite-sex friends is wrong to me. people of the opposite sex aren't just there to know if you wanna date and marry them, they're interesting people in their own right as friends. If I were to date someone like that, that'd cut off friendships I've had my whole life. That kind of requirement cuts off community for many people.

But circling back to what Calmdown said, having friends of the sex you're attracted to comes with the responsibility to avoid certain situations. If I we're dating I wouldn't want to be hanging out alone with a friend of the opposite sex, even if just to avoid people getting the wrong idea. (I think it humiliates people to give them or others reasons to doubt you as their partner.)
Applies also to my friends who are like family to me, who the idea of dating disgusts me (for lack of a better word). I wouldn't cultivate dating-type situations with them even if to me it's entirely platonic and I have no intentions to pursue them.



There's nothing a partner can do to prevent cheating. Restricting/controlling someone won't change their mind about anything and is it going to build trust that's needed in a relationship? no, probably not. It's each one's responsibility to be trustworthy and show it. doing stuff like that pushes people further away from eachother.

That’s an awful lot of monitoring, control and social restriction (that’s the part that’s really unhealthy) for what benefit?