I’m only worth sex

[EveHarrington]

Think about separating you are sexual to you are loveable. Maybe sit with your partner and draw up a list of the ways you are loveable just on merit of being you. It is a difficult piece of work. But might steer you in the direction of I am loveable, instead of I am not loveable so I must do this, or be this. When you say to yourself I am loveable it challenges the I am not loveable outside of sex belief. But there is more to it than that.

We already have a list.

It doesn’t make a dent in my stupid hard head.

I write up affirmations on index cards. I color them in to make them pretty. And each morning, I find one that is right for the day. You could work with your boyfriend to take what he says and put these on cards for you to look at each morning.

I don’t even know if I could think of anything to put on those cards in the first place.

I see that's true in a big picture way, but is it true moment to moment? For what part of the day do you allow yourself to be nonsexual?

Yes, it’s true moment to moment when I’m with him. I have to be or else I’d feel like he won’t like me anymore.

But sexuality is not a test, or a condition to be met.

It is to me.

There is a lot more about you than just sex and if you gave yourself a chance you would see that.

I don’t know how to “give myself a chance”.

We could expand on the reasons @Emotional girl and I like you, but maybe the most important question is, Who do You want to be as a person? You're free to define yourself as a purely sexual being. But if you want a broader sense of self, I'm happy to argue with your core beliefs on behalf of that broader self.

Maybe you're setting yourself up for rejection. But aren't you already rejecting that part of you all the time? Maybe expanding your sense of self means setting yourself up for acceptance.

The bottom line is that I don’t want to be a selfish narcissistic bitch.

I can’t go around thinking “I’m so great”. It would be an arrogant self serving lie.

We may not know you in real life but we like you as person on here and that has absolutely nothing to do with sex.
You are such a bright,intelligent and articulate person but you have also been hurt and that can distort how you see yourself.

I won’t ever believe that people on here like me because I’m not sexual with people on this website.

What do you do for self-care, Eve?

I just have a lot of time alone.

I don’t know how to get past this.

I even think my sister hates me because why would she have a reason to like me? I have no idea why she wants me in my nephews life. There’s nothing I can bring to his life that someone else couldn’t. I guess the same goes for everyone I know.

 

[Justmehere]

I hate this belief. I want to be able to value myself for more than what I can do sexually or as a sexual object.

I just....I just don’t know how to start making that change.

Please help?

I don’t think this view is ever going to change. Being molested may very well be my first memory.

You've been given some good suggestions, and you have rejected them all. It leads me to wonder, what do you gain from holding on to this distorted belief and believing it can't change?

I wonder if it's because it's a way you seek to find safety and control after very unsafe and out of control trauma and life experiences. It simplifies relationships to an easy to understand equation. It can be inciting to think one can predict and control relationships by making them out to be sex = being liked, no sex = not being liked.

I have a huge fear of being selfish and narcissistic so it’s hard to acknowledge any good qualities I have, or any good things I want to be.

It's really great you value not being selfish and narcissistic.

Have you ever been around someone who apologizes for everything they do or say or is constantly putting themselves down? I'm not stating you do those things, this is just a way to get at a point. When someone is constantly putting themselves down, it becomes all about them. It's a relationship with themselves and what they think others think about them. It's not two people interacting. People who have a solid sense of self worth tend to have more solid two way relationships. Working on improving your self worth and value is actually one way to make relationships less all about you and what you feel you give to people, and instead two people in connection with each other, flaws and all.

 

[hithere]

Hi Eve, I have similar history of abuse. I can relate very much to what you are saying. I did a lot of work on this when I was in my 30's. But, it's still there 20 years later but not as pervasive. I went to sex and love addicts anonymous for a few months which for some reason helped with this--I think seeing other people that I thought were ok and normal had the same issues as me I could give myself a break. Or something like that.

Also, I remember for years people wanted to spend time with me, wanted to hire me, wanted my advice and I was so confused. I would wonder, "for some reason these people like me." I was really bewildered by it. But I chose to receive it as true even though my insides were not believing it. Eventually with many years of this I came to learn that maybe people do like me for just my "being" me.
I was wondering, however, since it was this very early training in your (our) lives maybe do some intensive IFS work with this belief. I did this thing with my last therapist and I think I'm going to do it on my own but it is super triggering for me so I need to do when I can have several hours to deal with it. I don't think I can explain it here it's kind of complicated. We just stumbled upon this technique trying to do some de-sensitising to one of my phobias and other exposure work (turns out my phobia is fueled by the ptsd and sexual abuse. that was another surprise) Anyway. I Basically did something that called up images/feelings of the original abuse, and sat with it and didn't judge it and tried to get in touch with my young self, then was gentle and treated my young self in a compassionate way. It was really freaky. but... I think it did something. So I can't really explain it but getting quiet and getting in touch with that very young person who is you, and then somehow liking that young person especially for just "being" you --

Can you enjoy another's company if you are just putting a puzzle together or playing a game or riding bikes, etc? Then doing ifs work you might be able to transfer that to your self.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi Eve, I have similar history of abuse. I can relate very much to what you are saying. I did a lot of work on this when I was in my 30's. But, it's still there 20 years later but not as pervasive. I went to sex and love addicts anonymous for a few months which for some reason helped with this--I think seeing other people that I thought were ok and normal had the same issues as me I could give myself a break. Or something like that.

Also, I remember for years people wanted to spend time with me, wanted to hire me, wanted my advice and I was so confused. I would wonder, "for some reason these people like me." I was really bewildered by it. But I chose to receive it as true even though my insides were not believing it. Eventually with many years of this I came to learn that maybe people do like me for just my "being" me.
I was wondering, however, since it was this very early training in your (our) lives maybe do some intensive IFS work with this belief. I did this thing with my last therapist and I think I'm going to do it on my own but it is super triggering for me so I need to do when I can have several hours to deal with it. I don't think I can explain it here it's kind of complicated. We just stumbled upon this technique trying to do some de-sensitising to one of my phobias and other exposure work (turns out my phobia is fueled by the ptsd and sexual abuse. that was another surprise) Anyway. I Basically did something that called up images/feelings of the original abuse, and sat with it and didn't judge it and tried to get in touch with my young self, then was gentle and treated my young self in a compassionate way. It was really freaky. but... I think it did something. So I can't really explain it but getting quiet and getting in touch with that very young person who is you, and then somehow liking that young person especially for just "being" you --

Can you enjoy another's company if you are just putting a puzzle together or playing a game or riding bikes, etc? Then doing ifs work you might be able to transfer that to your self.

With family who has known me since birth, yes. Everyone else? No, I just sit there and wonder what we are doing or why they want me there.

 

[grit]

I wonder just an idea, if you ever try drama or acting? I ask that because I think (sitting on my couch here and looking at the screen and not knowing you at all but going by how you conduct yourself here), I wonder if truly accepting you are "narcissistic, bitch" side of yourself would allow you to become more free? rather than the alternative of resisting and negating.

You showcase here this feeling that you are not arrogant, or self centered or this or that and yet some of your actions actually contradict that so I wonder if you are not allowing yourself to be both. The arrogant, narcissistic person who also truly cares others including yourself.

I feel you spend all your "alone" time to tell yourself you do not want to be a bad person, you do not want to be this or that, you do not want to be this, why do these people like you? this is maddening...maybe creatively, entertain, people know you are all that including both the negative and the positive and still like you and love you and care for you.

I feel some people get tired of your "I am not a bad person or narcissistic person" persona and yet doing actions that are the actions of self -centered person like wanting sex to show love or just wanting sex for sex alone, or setting boundaries that are strict. even great people do that! think of a person you admire the most in the world - and that person wanted sex just for sex and took it when necessary (with consent) and that person had moment of being narcissistic, arrogant and asshole, or bitchy! every single person who is human have these feelings or did something bad that they regret but yet still they are loved and cared for.

Your polarity in this area is really wide.

you are human not a robot so what happens if you truly allow your negative side to become normal and acknowledge when others react to it rather than closing down into avoidance and defending it.

I mention acting because I wonder if you could play who is afraid of Virginia Woolf character and have fun with it. I think you would release a lot of unnecessary energy and maybe find some peace experiencing the fullness of being a human - good and bad.

 

[EveHarrington]

I wonder just an idea, if you ever try drama or acting? I ask that because I think (sitting on my couch here and looking at the screen and not knowing you at all but going by how you conduct yourself here), I wonder if truly accepting you are "narcissistic, bitch" side of yourself would allow you to become more free? rather than the alternative of resisting and negating.

You showcase here this feeling that you are not arrogant, or self centered or this or that and yet some of your actions actually contradict that so I wonder if you are not allowing yourself to be both. The arrogant, narcissistic person who also truly cares others including yourself.

I feel you spend all your "alone" time to tell yourself you do not want to be a bad person, you do not want to be this or that, you do not want to be this, why do these people like you? this is maddening...maybe creatively, entertain, people know you are all that including both the negative and the positive and still like you and love you and care for you.

I feel some people get tired of your "I am not a bad person or narcissistic person" persona and yet doing actions that are the actions of self -centered person like wanting sex to show love or just wanting sex for sex alone, or setting boundaries that are strict. even great people do that! think of a person you admire the most in the world - and that person wanted sex just for sex and took it when necessary (with consent) and that person had moment of being narcissistic, arrogant and asshole, or bitchy! every single person who is human have these feelings or did something bad that they regret but yet still they are loved and cared for.

Your polarity in this area is really wide.

you are human not a robot so what happens if you truly allow your negative side to become normal and acknowledge when others react to it rather than closing down into avoidance and defending it.

I mention acting because I wonder if you could play who is afraid of Virginia Woolf character and have fun with it. I think you would release a lot of unnecessary energy and maybe find some peace experiencing the fullness of being a human - good and bad.

I think I have a thread around here about my extreme compartmentalization.

It’s eye opening to see what (some?) people here really think of me.

I will say that I don’t show my true self here, and I think there are only maybe.....zero.....people who have ever seen 360 degree “me”. Most get honesty with no lies, but not a full view, if that makes sense. It’s all a defensive stance and protection mode based on how I read people. Most get what they want so at least I can get people to like me for one reason or another.

To answer @Justmehere i hold on to the belief that I’m only good for sex because otherwise I’d feel good for nothing and if I thought I was good for nothing, I probably wouldn’t be alive.

 

[Wendell_R]

I will say that I don’t show my true self here, and I think there are only maybe.....zero.....people who have ever seen 360 degree “me”.

Have you ever written down a description for yourself of what that 360 degree view would look like? Are you willing to share that with yourself?

 

[EveHarrington]

Have you ever written down a description for yourself of what that 360 degree view would look like? Are you willing to share that with yourself?

I know who I am when I am alone. It is in these moments that I don’t have to hide or protect myself.

 

[EveHarrington]

I keep coming back to this and it just makes me want to cease to exist.

I tried talking about it with my therapist but she just went on about how every woman has been subjected to a man who only wants sex so I’m “NOTHING SPECIAL”

Wtf.

I don’t think she knows anything about CSA.

 

[HealingInProcess]

I keep coming back to this and it just makes me want to cease to exist.

I tried talking about it with my therapist but she just went on about how every woman has been subjected to a man who only wants sex so I’m “NOTHING SPECIAL”

Wtf.

I don’t think she knows anything about CSA.

If it's an ingrained thought pattern it will probably take some time to address. Are you aware when you're getting into this ttpe of thinking? Have you been able to identify any triggers for it?

 

[Justmehere]

I tried talking about it with my therapist but she just went on about how every woman has been subjected to a man who only wants sex so I’m “NOTHING SPECIAL”

Oh geez, that’s a weird comment. CSA is wildly different than every woman’s experience with a guy.

But. She’s not 100 percent wrong. CSA doesn’t mean you are only worth sex.

Having survived CSA doesn’t change your worth to be something different from all other women.

In that way, you are not “special.” By claiming you are only worth sex you are in a way trying to make yourself of a different worth status than everyone else. Using your therapists words, a “special” category. You didn’t earn the “I’m only worth sex” status. Nope. CSA doesn’t mean that.

You internalized the message of the perps that you are only worth sex but they are freaking child rapists. They are wrong.

Your therapist is right. Your worth is the same as all other women who have not been through CSA. Does that mean you do not have a real battle against the effects of CSA? Of course not. But when talking about what is the true nature of your worth, you are worth the same as everyone else. Not a special category where you are only worth sex.

 

[HealingInProcess]

Speaking as a man I can say that's not what all men think about women but it is common that men are very sex focused.