Childhood I always avoided talking about it

[BlueWeepingRose]

I always avoided talking about my childhood. It was hard for me to face. I grew up in the 90's and I loved my childhood, yet I avoid what happened and what my father did and what my step brother did to me. They took advantage of me and I was so clueless. I was nine years old. My father got arrested in 92 and my step brother is not talked about or what he did to me. My mother remarried soon after my father was put into prison. All he was was a year or not even that which upset my mother in the end, I was never told how long he was in jail. He wrote a letter to my mother and a letter to me and my older brother about how sorry he was for molesting me and my brother. He ended up living on his own and tried to contact my mother several times and wanting to talk to myself and my older brother, my mother never let him talk to either of us and I never wanted too.

My older brother ended up visiting him, I think because he was curious, I had no interest in seeing my father after what he did to me. The entire time my mind was stuck in a fog. I remember him abusing my mother and being so confused at the time. As I got older, I ended up with men who never truly loved me or they did and didn't know what to do or how to support me. In my early 20's I got abused by my ex boyfriend and raped by him, it took me three times to finally leave him for good. Going back to him because he kept promising me that he would change or that he was sorry. Excuses after excuses. Just like my mother went through with my father. It seems to make sense to me why I ended up with someone like him and why it never worked out with my other boyfriend's because I was so lost inside and depressed. Though I avoided it, I buried it deep inside of me and never wanted to admit it. I would just make excuses why I was sad or why I was crying because I think I was so confused about everything. I remember at a time I wanted to end my life because I felt so gone. At one point I did drugs when I was with my ex boyfriend because of the abuse was so brutal that it made me want to escape. I'm clean now, so no worries there and I don't want to end my life anymore. I'm in no danger to myself. I could never end my life, I don't think it's worth it because inside I feel strong.

The one thing that gets to me is how sad I do get sometimes and how I'm unable to express emotions or smile because it all leads to my childhood. My innocence was taken away from me. I believe a lot of people would feel the same way I've felt. Abused, raped and treated like nothing. Yet, I still go on year after year. Memory fog, nightmares and anxiety. Anytime I turn around and suddenly someone comes out of nowhere, I get anxiety, I'm full of fear. The more I think about this I think I fear my ex boyfriend will be there or my father coming to haunt me. I'm not crazy but it's just a guess. I hate being snuck up on or scared, yet I enjoy horror movies. I escape anytime I watch them. There's so many things that race inside my head sometimes that I wish I could slow it down and it's all these bad thoughts from my childhood. I don't even remember half of it and I don't think I want to remember. I'm sort of glad that I have a memory fog, but I know it happened because my brother asked me one day after School, "Does dad ever do anything to you?" I told him "Yes." I don't know what else I said. The year after 1992..... I clearly remember. However 1992 and when my father was around, I don't remember a thing.

I only remember the year of 93 and so forth. I guess this is normal and that memory fog is normal. I don't know too much of PTSD, but I am learning. As for my triggers, I can manage them but if someone picks on me, makes fun of me or is mean to me in any way shape or form, I immediately get anxiety and think I'm being abused again. I don't get angry at the person, I just end up keeping to myself until I calm down. It reminds me of my father and how he treated my mother and my ex boyfriend, how he treated me. Both events are connected. I became with an abusive man because of how my father treated my mother and thought it was normal. That's why I'm careful when it comes to dating now and why I don't crave sex because of the rape. All my life I was treated like a sex object, so I rather only have sex when I'm in love and it's with a person who truly cares for me. And I don't honestly think of sex all that much, I find men to be attractive and everything but I don't crave sex a lot. Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so, but others find me strange and weird. Before I let people's opinion of me get to me, now I don't care too much. I just want to heal from everything. Taking care of myself is my top priority now. I don't know where I'm going with this, I just never truly opened up about any of this and I know I needed too tonight because it's been on my mind for almost a week now. I'm glad I decided to share all of this. I know all of this might be very hard for people to read, but if you read everything, I truly appreciate it and I hope someone can relate with me in some way. Please keep strong and feel free to contact me if you ever need too. I'll leave this entirely up to you. I just want other victims out there not to feel so alone. Because you're not a victim, you're a survivor.

 

[Mr Man]

Hey BlueWeepingRose,

Well done in mustering the courage to talk about all this, it must have been tough. I’m glad you feel better for it, the healing can begin. I didn’t get better until I fully understood what went on. My bro had Sadistic Personality disorder, so he enjoyed inflicting pain.
Like you, my CPTSD made me hypervigalent to attack, but that really gets in the way of having fun. So by understanding the types of people that act like predators, it’s helped me understand they tend to be in a minority, but well worth noticing who they are.
Often a lack of empathy signals danger, as with my bro – he used violence until I learnt judo and wooped his ass. Then I realise he was actually a coward, as many preditors /bullies are. Mindfullness helps with CPTSD triggers. Reminding myself I’m no longer a trapped child, I’m an adult that can walk away, or maybe run if they’re Millwall supporters.

Well done on broaching the subject, well done on being a survivor (I've sent you a medal in the post). I remember some of the early steps for me, after talking about it, was grieving. You deserved a father and brother, but you got neither. Blood is meaningless, a father should respects his daughter and giver her unconditional love, that is far more important than blood. Not being into sex is absolutely nothing to apologise for. Considering what you’ve been through, its a common side effect. But if you feel safer over time, and find someone who respects you, someone you can explain things too, I bet that issue may well rectify itself. Focus on healing your CPTSD so many good things will follow. Be good to yourself.

 

[Mumo]

I'm new here and am not very eloquent in my words, nor do I know how to respond to people on here yet, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I hear you and support you. You take care blueweepingrose

 

[Lucycat]

I still avoid talking about it - or him, the father who abused me. I too got a letter of apology some years after he was released from jail, wishing to make contact with me again. I declined. I have had nothing to do with him for 9 years now.

I too have CPTSD and I have had years of therapy and on the whole I consider myself recovered. But at times like now I know the truth is that this condition will never completely go away. I am struggling at the moment because this weekend we are travelling the hundreds of miles to the area where he still lives - to see other family members. I will not see him and he is not welcome with the rest of the family - but it is all so complicated. Just going there is stirring it all up again, but I don't want to be controlled still by my past, so I am determined to go.

 

[Mumo]

I still avoid talking about it - or him, the father who abused me. I too got a letter of apology some years after he was released from jail, wishing to make contact with me again. I declined. I have had nothing to do with him for 9 years now.

I too have CPTSD and I have had years of therapy and on the whole I consider myself recovered. But at times like now I know the truth is that this condition will never completely go away. I am struggling at the moment because this weekend we are travelling the hundreds of miles to the area where he still lives - to see other family members. I will not see him and he is not welcome with the rest of the family - but it is all so complicated. Just going there is stirring it all up again, but I don't want to be controlled still by my past, so I am determined to go.

I'm so sorry you are having to face that, but you are brave to do so. :)