Autumn Lola
New Here
Hi everyone. My name (for the sake of this forum) is Autumn Lola and I am really glad I found this site. I have PTSD from a couple of different events, just recently diagnosed, both of which happened to me before I was sixteen, and it is only getting worse. I'm at a point where I know I'm on a downward spiral but I'm also stuck in terms of getting help. I won't talk to another therapist because I've had five and all but one were truly horrendous - one thought the best solution for a sad four-year-old whose parents had just divorced would be to put me on adult anti-depressants that turned me into a suicidal zombie; another had so many preconceived ideas about LGBT people that I spent more time combating her stereotypes than getting help for my PTSD (I came to her not suicidal and left suicidal, if that tells you anything). I won't take medication because I'm paranoid of becoming a zombie again. I won't report what happened because I'm not going to put myself through that in addition to this. I can't talk to my family or friends because they get so bogged down in their own emotional reactions to what I'm saying that they wind up freaking out and pushing their burdens back on me to bear. As the title says, I've been forced to heal alone. I would say at this point I'm just looking for a community of people with shared experiences.
So, what happened to me: when I was twelve, my girlfriend and I were the targets of some pretty vicious anti-gay bullying, and when I was fifteen, I was physically attacked in what I believe was a hate crime. I don't want to get into detail right now because I have a lot of issues talking about what happened. Basically, the first event involved watching a person self-destruct over the course of a year and being unable to say anything to anyone. She got pretty scary in terms of self-harm and there were often times I'd go home on Friday not sure I'd see her again on Monday. Since no one knew I was gay, I couldn't tell anyone. Even as she got better, that's stuck with me and haunted me for years; I've never quite been able to work through it. The second event was more the one I've been traumatized by; I was attacked by two armed men who made comments about wasting gay people while they assaulted me. I got away, I don't know how, but I thought for sure I was going to die that night. I blocked it out hard for two years, and then the symptoms came out in full force after Sandy Hook, because that's what prompted me to finally start talking about my experience. I think the paranoia that no one believes me (I'm very practiced at hiding - I can be falling apart inside and I can still convince people I'm perfectly happy and okay) and the sense of a foreshortened future ("I'm going to die young and soon because I almost did and look at all these other victims of anti-gay violence who died young") have been the worst to deal with.
I'm not sure right now how much I will share on the forum, at least right away, but I'm really relieved to have found it. If there's any bit of advice I can give to other sufferers, it's this: trying to heal alone doesn't work. I've done it and I do it because I feel like I have no other choice, but it really doesn't work. I think this site may be where I need to be at this point in my life and my healing process.
So, what happened to me: when I was twelve, my girlfriend and I were the targets of some pretty vicious anti-gay bullying, and when I was fifteen, I was physically attacked in what I believe was a hate crime. I don't want to get into detail right now because I have a lot of issues talking about what happened. Basically, the first event involved watching a person self-destruct over the course of a year and being unable to say anything to anyone. She got pretty scary in terms of self-harm and there were often times I'd go home on Friday not sure I'd see her again on Monday. Since no one knew I was gay, I couldn't tell anyone. Even as she got better, that's stuck with me and haunted me for years; I've never quite been able to work through it. The second event was more the one I've been traumatized by; I was attacked by two armed men who made comments about wasting gay people while they assaulted me. I got away, I don't know how, but I thought for sure I was going to die that night. I blocked it out hard for two years, and then the symptoms came out in full force after Sandy Hook, because that's what prompted me to finally start talking about my experience. I think the paranoia that no one believes me (I'm very practiced at hiding - I can be falling apart inside and I can still convince people I'm perfectly happy and okay) and the sense of a foreshortened future ("I'm going to die young and soon because I almost did and look at all these other victims of anti-gay violence who died young") have been the worst to deal with.
I'm not sure right now how much I will share on the forum, at least right away, but I'm really relieved to have found it. If there's any bit of advice I can give to other sufferers, it's this: trying to heal alone doesn't work. I've done it and I do it because I feel like I have no other choice, but it really doesn't work. I think this site may be where I need to be at this point in my life and my healing process.
