I am the mother of a child suffering from PTSD. My son was raped and molested by my step-brother when he was 7. He will be 15 years old on the 15th of November. 3 years ago he was diagnosed with PTSD, panic disorder, and depression. I am working towards my degree in clinical psychology, so I understand the psychological and physiological affects, but my partner doesn't. She believes that he isnt sick, that he should be fine after this many years, and that i always give him an excuse to be the way he is being. I've joined this community in the hopes of getting support and maybe learning ways to make my partner understand what is going on. It's very difficult to try to help my son get better and to manage living with PTSD when I don't have support within my household. I'm hoping maybe someone else has gone through this and can provide advice or direction.
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Supporter I Am A Mother Of A Child Suffering From Ptsd
- Post starter CB2015
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- #3
I don't want to believe that is true. We've been together for 4 years. She has seen him suffering. I've tried to explain some of his behavior, the anger the hidden fear, and other effects. She's been through the sleep walking the panic attacks the hearing voices and even a year of him being on risperdone. He was doing so much better, hanging out with friends having a girlfriend and being happier. But now he isnt. He's always angry, disrespectful, rude to his brother and sister and myself, he doesnt have any care for girls anymore, where a year ago he always had a girlfriend. He is a handsome popular boy and the girls flock to him. He didn't even go to homecoming. What 15 year old boy doesn't want to go to homecoming? But she just attributes all of these signs to him being an asshole. Like he's completely normal and I just feed into his issues so he can get his own way or whatever goes through her mind. It isn't like that though. It's just so frustrating not having support because she doesn't think like I do (her words) and has her own opinion. It's so frustrating knowing your baby is sinking and trying to keep him afloat by yourself. I know my child. I know when he is suffering. And I feel like I should have support in our home. It's not too much to ask. But having someone be so small minded that they won't even consider the prospect that they are wrong makes me extremely angry at her. So there is always added tension in the home. And I know he feels like he is being set aside and has no voice with her. I know the best thing to do would be to leave and support my child but 4 years is a long time to throw away over something as simple as her listening and understanding. How do you make her understand?
@CB2015, unless your partner starts to read about the disorder and is willing to learn about it and how your son is, then you will always have problems with her understanding and problems with your relationship with her because she may just get fed up and leave and I hope that does not happen with the two of you. Your son has been through a lot, is he going to therapy? I hope that he is. I'm not a sufferer but I'm a supporter as well and my partner has Combat PTSD. Just be there to support your son and the way he feels and what he has been through ok? But your partner needs to try and understand. There are so many people in the world that does not understand mental illness nor do they care to find out or learn about it. Everybody is not normal or live a normal lifestyle to things. Be encouraged my dear.
Who is more important, your son or partner. Your partners additude is potentially damaging.
Sorry if I am being harsh, but that line just increases my own symptoms and I don't want it happening to someone else.
It just doesn't work that way, and this additude can cause someone to spiral farther into depression, because it makes them feel that there is something wrong with them when they are not fine after all these years. Time does not make it better!
Sorry if I am being harsh, but that line just increases my own symptoms and I don't want it happening to someone else.
D
Deleted member 29920
I don't think you can make her understand. Forgive me if I'm wrong but she sounds ignorant, selfish and uncaring. Everything your son is doing, are all normal responses to trauma. Please take good care of your son, these years are critical and he needs all the support and help he can get after the horrendous trauma he experienced. And welcome to the forum.
What horrible things your son experienced. You are being a great mother being there for your son, and trying to understand. I think that's most important part.
I'm not sure if it will help, but maybe print out some other people's experiences with PTSD, panic attacks, and depression. Just leave on counter, or in bathroom, for her to read. Maybe she will read, and have some compassion.
I'm not sure if it will help, but maybe print out some other people's experiences with PTSD, panic attacks, and depression. Just leave on counter, or in bathroom, for her to read. Maybe she will read, and have some compassion.
People do not just see what's in front of them. All perception is filtered by previous learning and experience.
In her world, if you act like a jerk, you are a jerk. Maybe he, to her, is simply acting out, being "the jerk."
You are right to be aware that trauma doesn't bring out the best in people. Never has, never will. But, it is also the case that many traumatized people still manage to be kind, thoughtful, loyal, generous and compassionate, while still having moments of being a jerk. That's just being human.
Truth could be that you both are right. Usually, there is some accurate observing on all sides, though I believe you are "polarizing" each other, perhaps in an attempt to help the situation, help him, and cover all bases. Point is, you're trying, right?
Come to the middle, concede that she has a point, and back off trying to "make her" feel things. Let her discover her own feelings. Let her come to the middle, when and if she's ready.
Most importantly, your son needs unconditional love from you. He needs to know that he and his siblings are your top priority, actions, not words only. I think you'll get there. But you might have to set a boundary with the four year partner. There is some reason why he's getting worse. Maybe you are split in loyalties? In his mind?
Put your kids first, always.
In her world, if you act like a jerk, you are a jerk. Maybe he, to her, is simply acting out, being "the jerk."
You are right to be aware that trauma doesn't bring out the best in people. Never has, never will. But, it is also the case that many traumatized people still manage to be kind, thoughtful, loyal, generous and compassionate, while still having moments of being a jerk. That's just being human.
Truth could be that you both are right. Usually, there is some accurate observing on all sides, though I believe you are "polarizing" each other, perhaps in an attempt to help the situation, help him, and cover all bases. Point is, you're trying, right?
Come to the middle, concede that she has a point, and back off trying to "make her" feel things. Let her discover her own feelings. Let her come to the middle, when and if she's ready.
Most importantly, your son needs unconditional love from you. He needs to know that he and his siblings are your top priority, actions, not words only. I think you'll get there. But you might have to set a boundary with the four year partner. There is some reason why he's getting worse. Maybe you are split in loyalties? In his mind?
Put your kids first, always.
Friday
Sponsor
Welcome to the Forums! :D
I have a teenage boy, who has asthma, ADHD-c / 2e, & now a trauma background as well (although hoping he'll bypass PTSD, more than his fair share of anxiety/panic attacks, nightmares, etc.).
Sorting out which is which? ROFLMAO. :hilarious: Oy vey.
So... We have a protocol.
Mood goes sideways (or vertical!).
- Hit it with the albuterol. Absolutely no point in attempting emotional monitoring and regulation if his o2 sat is in the 80s. That's just wasted effort to no point.
- ADHD emotional monitoring/reg & impulsivity tricks
- ^^^^^^ (which also hit anxiety/panic attacks)
- PTSD burn. it. off. & stress management tricks (I figure, why not? Exercise is healthy in most situations, and if he's already been hit with his inhaler, we're good to go).
All of the above sorts out various conditions and disorders, and rarely takes more than 5min caught early. And most of the time, since these are all variations on a theme that's been in place long before trauma, fairly easy to kick into place.
But sometimes? He's just being an asshole.
Teenage boy hormone storms + heart of his sleeve + plus a whole lot of perfectly normal lifespan development (wanted, if highly aggravating & eye crossing, for all the adults shove already gone through it). His latest thing... Of absolutely refusing to step back & let hot emotions cool for even a second, but to feed them & chase after someone to "prove" his point? Oy. Classic teenager. Kiddo. Injustice can also be sorted in 5 minutes once you've chilled. I promise. ((I have yet to prove my point with that one, but he'll learn it in time.))
Absolutely none of the above justify being an asshole. Taking your shit out on other people to make yourself feel better? That's a choice. ADHD comes along with HOT emotions, that flare up fast. That doesn't mean they have to rule your affect. PTSD? Just because I listen to my instincts doesn't mean I have to be a slave to them.
Can be furious as hell but flash a grin at someone, beg their leave for a minute, and go for a run/ quick workout on the heavy bag/ step into the shower/ etc. all while growling and swearing up a storm away from people. Not that it's easy, and it sure as hell takes practice. Worse, the entire freaking ADHD paradigm of emotional monitoring and regulation has to be relearned/ reworked at puberty. But regardless of the source... it doesn't give the right to scream at people, throw furniture, self harm, etc. All that does is teach unhealthy coping skills in response to anger, instead of healthy ones.
Whether it's an ADHD rage storm, PTSD rage storm (fight/flight), Low Oxygen Meltdown, or Rampant Teenagery. :banghead: Dude. Don't be a dick.
I have a teenage boy, who has asthma, ADHD-c / 2e, & now a trauma background as well (although hoping he'll bypass PTSD, more than his fair share of anxiety/panic attacks, nightmares, etc.).
Sorting out which is which? ROFLMAO. :hilarious: Oy vey.
So... We have a protocol.
Mood goes sideways (or vertical!).
- Hit it with the albuterol. Absolutely no point in attempting emotional monitoring and regulation if his o2 sat is in the 80s. That's just wasted effort to no point.
- ADHD emotional monitoring/reg & impulsivity tricks
- ^^^^^^ (which also hit anxiety/panic attacks)
- PTSD burn. it. off. & stress management tricks (I figure, why not? Exercise is healthy in most situations, and if he's already been hit with his inhaler, we're good to go).
All of the above sorts out various conditions and disorders, and rarely takes more than 5min caught early. And most of the time, since these are all variations on a theme that's been in place long before trauma, fairly easy to kick into place.
But sometimes? He's just being an asshole.
Teenage boy hormone storms + heart of his sleeve + plus a whole lot of perfectly normal lifespan development (wanted, if highly aggravating & eye crossing, for all the adults shove already gone through it). His latest thing... Of absolutely refusing to step back & let hot emotions cool for even a second, but to feed them & chase after someone to "prove" his point? Oy. Classic teenager. Kiddo. Injustice can also be sorted in 5 minutes once you've chilled. I promise. ((I have yet to prove my point with that one, but he'll learn it in time.))
Absolutely none of the above justify being an asshole. Taking your shit out on other people to make yourself feel better? That's a choice. ADHD comes along with HOT emotions, that flare up fast. That doesn't mean they have to rule your affect. PTSD? Just because I listen to my instincts doesn't mean I have to be a slave to them.
Can be furious as hell but flash a grin at someone, beg their leave for a minute, and go for a run/ quick workout on the heavy bag/ step into the shower/ etc. all while growling and swearing up a storm away from people. Not that it's easy, and it sure as hell takes practice. Worse, the entire freaking ADHD paradigm of emotional monitoring and regulation has to be relearned/ reworked at puberty. But regardless of the source... it doesn't give the right to scream at people, throw furniture, self harm, etc. All that does is teach unhealthy coping skills in response to anger, instead of healthy ones.
Whether it's an ADHD rage storm, PTSD rage storm (fight/flight), Low Oxygen Meltdown, or Rampant Teenagery. :banghead: Dude. Don't be a dick.
- Post starter
- #10
I wonder if maybe he is regressing because he is starting puberty. I know his behavioral health counselor stated this would probably happen at the onset of puberty. I also wonder if unconsciously he is blaming me for what happened as I'm the parent and the protector and I didn't protect him from this. A lot of his anger is directed towards me.
intothelight
Sponsor
@CB2015 Welcome! :)
You have no control over what your partner believes, but share information and they can make the choice to read it or not. Have you thought about family counseling? Even in the best of circumstances adolescents is tough time and add in PTSD it can be rocky to say the least.
I have four children that are now grown and the abuse that each family member suffered has left its own individual damage. The main thing that has helped is keeping communication open, setting firm boundaries (we've had enough hurt and hurting each other is not acceptable) and allowing each person the space and encouraging individual healing. Its worked better for some than others and it varied depending on what was going on in each individual person's life.
Keep the rules simple and choose battles carefully, but the more united everyone can be the better it will be.
You have no control over what your partner believes, but share information and they can make the choice to read it or not. Have you thought about family counseling? Even in the best of circumstances adolescents is tough time and add in PTSD it can be rocky to say the least.
I have four children that are now grown and the abuse that each family member suffered has left its own individual damage. The main thing that has helped is keeping communication open, setting firm boundaries (we've had enough hurt and hurting each other is not acceptable) and allowing each person the space and encouraging individual healing. Its worked better for some than others and it varied depending on what was going on in each individual person's life.
Keep the rules simple and choose battles carefully, but the more united everyone can be the better it will be.
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