I Am Getting Frustrated With Myself

[Ghostybear73]

Yesterday, I picked my son up at the airport as he is home on a two week leave. From the day he told me he got leave approved, I have been dreading it. He sensed it and asked me when he called why I didn't sound excited. I told him he was being silly and that I was working (in class) and had to keep my voice down.

Today, on the way to the gym he asked me if I was okay and I told him, "of course honey, I'm just tired, its early and you know mom doesn't sleep well".

He knows I have mental issues and comments on occasion about how his mom is the greatest even though she is crazy. In fact, he is the one who originally told me 4 years ago that something was wrong and I needed to seek help.

So, here is the dilemma; I'm at my worst right now and I don't want him to know how bad I really am. It wouldn't be fair to ship him back to active duty worried about his mom, more than he already does. My roommate is effectively diverting his attention when he feels the need as he does with my daughter (my roommate knows me really well), but really, there's still 13 days to go.

Next to his Airborne tattoo, he had his sister (8yo) and my initials tattooed and when he showed me, I almost broke down in tears (which has never happened) with pride at what an awesome young man he has become.

Why do I have the ability to put on a face when it comes to work, but I can't do it for 2 damn weeks with my son?

Okay, I'm all over the place with this one, sorry.

 

[Go Hungry]

Well, two weeks is a long time to hold a face for. So go easy on yourself. And maybe if you talk with him, you'll feel some better. I know that in the past when I've tried to spare someone my real feelings, it just serves to make them feel alienated. Chances are he already knows you're faking and might like to talk about it. I'm sure he would want to comfort you.

Just my two cents..

 

[Ghostybear73]

@Go Hungry,

I have thought about talking to him, but I'm going to wait until the week starts. Ill be at work and he will be visiting friends and with my daughters Karate and soccer, I'm hoping to keep busy enough to get a better grip.

If that doesn't work, well I may have to have a sit down with him. I know he will understand and be supportive, but he needs a clear head when he leaves.

Thank you for the advice!

 

[MaybeOneDay]

I see your point and @Go Hungry's point. I am the type of person who never wants to burden someone else with my feelings. Combine that with him being in a dangerous place and I would of agreed with you not to share. But it seems from the questions he keeps asking... It seems like he senses or just knows how you are when you feel better.

This is just my opinion. But might he worry more about you if you don't tell him something?? I agree I would not want to share all that I am going through with my young adult but I could just say that I am struggling and have support here while you are overseas and if anything serious comes up that you can help with... Something like that

Best,

 

[Ghostybear73]

I'm with you @MaybeOneDay. I'm going to give it until Wednesday. My roommate knows the plan and is diligently working doubletime until we get into the week. :)

 

[Notsowild]

I have the same problem with my son and daughter. They know about my PTSD and a few symptoms. My son has seen me with my crazy startling and suicidal thoughts. But now they assume I must be better. I guess they thought it went away ( I wish). So I put on my normal face as much as I can for them. It's so hard to keep my craziness from them but I also don't want to burden them too much. Sorry I don't have any answers but I can certainly commiserate with you.

 

[Ghostybear73]

I'm lucky with my daughter because she goes to school all day, I work nights a couple days a week, I coach her soccer team so I'm active in her life and although she knows I have issues, she has Eric (my roommate) here to take her to the park or the gym or for ice cream when he sees that I'm going downhill. So she is as happy as one can be. :)

 

[MaybeOneDay]

That is a real blessing for you. Hang in there. It sounds like you have done a wonderful job parenting your children amidst all the struggles you have had to endure.

Do something nice for yourself while your son is here. Include him in that. It might make you both smile.

Hugs

 

[Friday]

There were times whenI came home on leave I didn't care if it was WWIII and plagues of frogs and locusts descending on the house. It was home. It smelled right. And there was no way it even blipped my crazy-scale. It was just so good to be home. I don't care! I'm just happy to be here!

There were times I came home on leave I was so effing out of it myself all I did was sit on the porch smoking cigarillos trying to get grounded again. Trying to be able to see the trees around me, but mostly staring at infinity. Even if my parents had tried to remove me with a bulldozer I wouldn't have noticed.

And there were times I came home that I could have been at a West Virginia bluegrass festival, a wedding and serious pubcrawl in London, or surfing in the South Pacific (3 open invitations I'd turned down to come prove to my parents I was still breathing) that I'd have jumped on in a moment flat if my parents had even hinted they wouldn't be hurt if I took off.

Chat your son up. See where his head is at.

 

[RussH]

hi ghosty my friend. I want to offer a different perspective; your son is in the military. He has successfully completed a rigorous training program, and has proven himself to be an adult. As an adult he can handle knowing you are going through a hard time, so you don't have to hide it from him. In fact, by hiding it, you are keeping him from being part of your support network.

Don't be afraid to talk to him, and let him know what is happening. I think you will be amazed at his response, and his support.

 

[Ghostybear73]

@RussH

Yeah, I think in my heart I know I need to talk to him, but my mind keeps saying to wait. He would go AWOL if he knew how suicidal I was. I would have to go with what @MaybeOneDay was saying and let him know I am getting worse, but I'm still in therapy, taking different meds and fighting like I always have, but just keep out the aforementioned big things.

Thank you all for your support!!

Ill try and talk with him today.

 

[RussH]

ok ghosty, we are here for you.