I Am Getting Very Comfortable With The Idea Of Suicide

[BruceWayne9]

I have gone to the extent of planning when, where and how I will do it. Before, I used to be scared about thinking such things. Now its just more a case of a wait until the day comes. I have been on antidepressants since January 2015, I have had counselling, and group counselling. Yet I dont feel "healed". I want to be though. I feel like no one actually understands what I am going through, yet I want to be understood. I feel like I am on auto pilot every day, almost like a robot. Nothing gives me joy.

 

[TXbandit]

There are people here that understand. That is why you came here in the first place, am I right?

Please reconsider your thoughts on this. Have you ever thought how your family, your friends would react if you did commit suicide? There is reason to live. We all have a purpose. We may not know what that purpose is but we are all here for something.

Friday night, I lost yet another friend to suicide. It is the sixth person I know to do so. I am heart broken, angry and I feel lost. The pain never gets easier with a loss like this. With each one, the pain from the previous creeps in. It's devastating. Think about that for a minute. I don't know your story but I want you to think about that long and hard.

You are six months into therapy. Why give in now when you have already been fighting so hard? Pointless. Keep kicking ass!!!! It will get better. Have faith in yourself. If you ever need to talk, I am here. PM me any time, OK?
Massive hugs from across the pond x

 

[Friday]

To be blunt : What we practice we become.

Sounds like instead of getting comfortable settling in for the long haul, you've gotten comfortable with the idea of checking out. Time to switch horses. This disorder can take some f*cking time to get a handle on. Settling in for working for a few years, not just a few months. LOL & Im not saying you haven't been up shit creek for years. I don't know you. For all I know you're a Vietnam get whose been battling this for 40 years. Point is, you started working on your recovery in January? That's a good start. But it's just a start. Starts can be awkward. Hell, usually are, cause you haven't done gotten the hang of it, yet. No cure for that but time.

I tend to go about things in a pretty bass ackwards kind of way. Do everything the most difficult way possible on the longest route around. Which means, yah. I got all nice and snuggly with checking out, too.

The good news, is that once getting comfortable with death? (I did that, too.) You've got nothin to lose. You've already got all nice and comfy with the worst possible outcome. Alright. So now it's time to get comfortable with the idea of better outcomes; changing up meds so you're not a robot, working therapy in a way that let's you rebuild your life, settling in for the long haul & the changes you need to make so that you are willing and able to.

<grin> It can be a pretty freeing thing. Because death means you're willing to scrap everything. So ya look at things from that perspective. Okay. I'm willing to literally change everything in my life. So let's start from there. If I'm willing to lose everything? The sky is the limit on where I'm willing to go & what I'm willing do. Maybe it's move to Hawaii, or Rome, or New Zealand. Maybe it's train for the circus, or study advanced maths, or learn to surf. A 1,000 things. Because what's the worst that could happen? You could die. And you're already all set for that one, anyway.

 

[AnotherGirl]

BruceWayne, I don't know exactly what to say, but I hear you. However, I don't know what you've been through so I can't say that I understand you, but I definitely understand how the thought of suicide feels. It is not very great to hear, that not meds and not professional support works out for you. We are all diferent and unique. Something can work perfectly for one, but definitely not for another person. I'm sure something else will help you coping, and you just didn't find this yet. Healing is a long road, but it is worth at the end. Rough times come, sometimes they stay for days, weeks, or even months, but they pass. Please stay strong, and keep moving forward...if this is day by day, step by day...it's okay. Sometimes just breathing is the best we can do. But it is still enough to survive. You don't loose anything if you keep on going for another day, or two..or three...maybe a week or more... but you can't go back if you do what you're planning to do. Ever.

People say, we are given this life, because we are strong enough to live it. Sometimes burdens get too heavy, but then there's us, we will help you carry them until you're strong enough to pick them up and go on. You will find your happiness again. Hang in there, you are beautiful just the way you are.

Take gentle care, M.

 

[Changing4Best]

I tried really hard to commit suicide and let me tell you, when you wake up in the hospital ten days later, after having been in a coma, and there is a nurse there bitching at you about what you tried to do; it's a nasty feeling to be in that. Let me tell you, suicide is over-rated.

I am glad I survived, and I am doing well now.

I have learned how or pray and God does listen. It helps a lot.

I also have been in therapy for 12 years and am on several meds that reduce the symptoms of PTSD. It is possible to survive and eventually flourish in this condition.

Hang in there with the therapy, and by the way, you need a therapist that specializes in trauma. This is really important. Without this, your situation would look bleak at best.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @BruceWayne9 , it's ok, I get it too. But that's this moment, & it is deceiving you (at least minimizing what you're already accomplishing). You are right, it is 'too comfortable'. At these times we need help.

Welcome to you. I hope you can talk about it. You can PM me anytime. .

And welcome to you. Is 'brucewayne' not 'batman'? Well, that's kind of like dealing with this stuff, to help ourselves & help others. I have faith for you it is going to improve (truly). :hug:

I tried twice (no one knew, even chose what I've learned they define s 'the most painful method'- it sure was btw). Not meant to be though. Because that in-&-off itself (the fact we are here) actually is maybe trying to tell us we're meant to be. The thought of the release is just a lie really. Though at times like these it doesn't seem so.

I find it helps me to think of how violent it is. And how I read a study of people drowning where everyone's body posture indicated they had tried to save themself, change their mind (too late did they realize). Body posture indicted they tried to 'not' drown (push down on their arms). (I'm sorry if this is too graphic btw, but SI is graphic. I know the pain & despair is real, & dealing with ptsd is graphic too).

Please hang in there. Can you set a date, something you used to look forward to? I did that.

Peace to you. I think you are brave doing all you have since january. :hug:

 

[WillyKat]

We do understand what you're going through. A lot of us have been through it ourselves and have felt exactly as you do now. I've literally spent decades worried about how long it was taking, when would I be happy, when I would be beyond it.

Those are all false gods.

First, we think of PTSD as a broken leg or a cavity. We go to a doctor, there's a procedure, then maybe a follow up or two, then some recovery time, and we're done. PTSD isn't like that. There isn't any magic sword that will slay the beast. There's no beginning, middle, and end. It just is. And happiness is perhaps the most false god there is.

My advice is instead of seeking happiness or of being over PTSD, search for purpose, a mission, and meaning. Happiness is for actors in television commercials. Let them have it. When the director says "cut", they go back to searching for their next gig.

You may find that having a purpose and adding meaning to your life is better than any kind of pumped up happiness. It lasts longer, it's something you can be proud of.

Most importantly, look around the forum at those of us that have been where you are now and moved to the next stage. You can do this too. Just hang on and change the goalposts you're aiming at.

 

[Tinyflame]

And DO keep talking :hug: .

 

[BlueDream]

We are here to listen!!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Can I ask how long you've been in treatment?

 

[BruceWayne9]

Thank you all for taking the time to write your very thoughtful replies. I sort of feel guilty for the way I feel though, because there are people fighting for their lives in hospitals and here I am wanting to take my own.

Since my last post I have made a conscious decision to make some changes. I went back to my doctor, who prescribed some different medication. I know its still early days, but I do feel a little bit more stable and have had better sleep the last few days. I am very wary that medication is a temporary plaster and there is a lot I need to do on a personal level. I have found the counselling useful but I find that it is therapeutic at the time, then I have to wait another 2 weeks for each appointment.

I have also spoken to some close friends about how I feel and what I am going through. Usually, I only tell my counsellor and write in my diary whats really going on with me, so this was new. This is something I haven't done before, because of fear of their reaction and fear of judgement. This time, instead of saying I am fine and pretending I was OK, i told them the truth. Thier reaction was surprisingly supportive. Its interesting because I felt very misunderstood before, yet I didnt ever try to speak to them.

 

[intothelight]

@BruceWayne9 Congratulations on reaching out and not saying it is "fine". That takes a lot of strength to do that.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. PTSD can be managed and life does become enjoyable again. By temporary, I don't mean short term, but the way you are feeling will not last forever. Keep seeking help and also take some time to do some things for yourself and the things that you may have enjoyed in the past. For a while it can feel like going through the motions, but at some point there will be a bit of a change and then the change will become stronger. Recovery can be minute by minute and a lot of baby steps along the way.