Sufferer I Am Having Anxiety Writing This...

[margo]

I can barely type...please forgive my errors.

I was diagnosed in 2007. I am 41 years old.

I was a kidnapped (by parent) child at 2 and lived underground until I was 18. I didn't live anywhere longer than 3 months. I have gotten in touch with my biological father and he confirmed he was going to kill every member of my family (my mother remarried and there was a total of 8 children living this lifestyle).

I was sexually abused at age 4 by my mothers friends while they all tripped on acid. I was put in a closet with the light turned out and men would come in. My later to be step father opened the door and took me out of the apartment....what upset me most was I had shit myself and pissed myself and was embarrassed he was carrying me.

Later I was sexually molested by two step siblings in my teens.

I have been raped, pick any kind, it's been done to me.

I just recently quit cutting. Started at age 12 and continued into my 30's, still have an occasional bout once in a blue moon.

There is a lot more to my story but I am trying to be brief and also clear like it was suggested.

Why am I here? A friend showed me this site. And my symptoms are really gearing up. I learned from this site I had triggers and stressors.

My mother and I have very sick relationship and I now, this week, learned she is both a tigger and stressor depends on how she is acting. She is here in town visiting my half brother and his new baby. I have a husband and two children.

I exploded last night. I wrote her a angry email and text confronting her about her admitted lies. I go through this cycle with her every few years and then we pretend nothing is wrong with me and the past does not exist. Of course I struggle daily and she doesn't want to know. She has moved on.

I am reaching out for any advice on how to have a relationship with her...is it possible?

Thank you for your time,
Margo

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Margo and welcome to the forum.

I am sorry for what you have been through, but really well done for your introduction. The first post is never easy.

As for your question about your relationship with your mother - well, I don't think anyone can answer that but you. I am sort of wondering why you would want to maintain a relationship with her, but I know these things are complicated!

Best wishes,
Lucy x

 

[margo]

Thank you Lucy. It is a good and valid question. I work with my half brother. He is one of my best friends. It boggles my mind how she treats him. We are the only children out of the 8 that she gave birth to. She comes and visits and stays with him. Maybe once see my children out of the days she is here. My brother and I live 8 minutes apart.

I only want a relationship with her so it doesn't affect my brother. But he suggested I should maybe be done with her. He sees first hand my ptsd kicking in when talk of her coming to town starts.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[nimkekaa]

I'm sorry that you had to go through all that.

I have found great support, understanding and information on this site. I hope you do too.

Welcome!

 

[jrthomas]

Hello, and Welcome.

 

[Scallop bob]

Hi margo. I've just woke up after 20 mins of sleep, again, this is my life.

I suffer from combat PTSD, I've just read your post, and it hurts me that people like that exist on earth, but you sound strong, especially to come on here and say all that, do you think inside you need a relationship?

Because if you know how it's going to turn out and make you upset and miserable what's the point. Are you in a happier place when your not thinking about her? And if you do think about her and see her does it always bring back bad memory's, because if so what's the point maybe it's better you stay away.

We all have triggers and it sounds like she is one, if all it does is give you stress then, you need to be in the place your most happy and deal with it that way. The end of the day you need to do what's best for you

 

[margo]

A part of me dies every time, the urge to cut is over whelming, I just talked to one of my abusers, he has apologized, sincerely, and is not a stressor (isn't that odd?).

But I was cussed out by a sibling (that was a savoir, in my head) and being accused I am a drama queen and that is my roll in in this family.

For 36 hours I have not had a release from my stress....I am serious, I don't know how much more I can endure...and please it is not a reflection on who and how many have posted...I really don't give a shit, never had support and wouldn't be surprised if I didn't get it here.

I honestly would love to have a sit down with a knife which has been my friend for so many years I cannot count. I think I need to walk away from this forum for a bit.

Please, some of you are amzing people and in my head, how dare I compare what happened to me to what happened to some of you, I am overwhelmed.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[Cufflinks]

Hi Margo, Your mother sounds like the last person on earth that should be allowed near children. I'm not surprised her being in town is acting as a trigger.

Everyone on here is suffering for a different reason. It is our experiences that got us here and yours certainly seem to be major trauma. It strikes me that people not only treated you appallingly but also illegally. Would some kind of closure help? Should the police know?

Personally, I find this forum a great help. You don't always read what you want to see but people are genuinely kind and want to help you through the bad times and help celebrate the good. It's also good to sometimes just vent and help put it down for others to read.

 

[margo]

Thank you! I finally got a little sleep, though I am extremely anxious still it isn't as bad as it was yesterday.

I have no idea what is going on or how to stop this. She will be leaving tomorrow and I hope that this will stop when that happens.