General I Am His Trigger

[CCurry]

I'd never thought I'd be in this position. I knew my OH had ptsd from years of combat but he was managing and now he's not. He is the most loving, kind, considerate gentlemen and I feel blessed that he's in my life. Having said that, all of those qualities are blurred right now and I'm left with is someone I don't really recognize.

He's had to move out of our house 3 weeks ago because he was afraid of dissociating and doing some harm to us. I know that was the responsible thing to do and I know of 3 guys in his unit that have killed their families so I'm well aware of the severity.

So, during the week he's spending over 15 hours just working. That is his coping strategy, well that and a mickey of vodka first thing in the morning, lunch and before bed. He can really hold his alcohol and in fact I've seen him drink a lot and I always wonder at what point is he going to appear drunk...and I've never seen it.

Ok so he started his first TH session last week and I was in attendance (as both the TH and he didn't have a problem with it). He is worse than I even thought and in fact the TH isn't sure an outpatient treatment is the best course but I think he'll determine that over the next couple of weeks.

I've left him alone last week and not even asked if he was going to drop by to see me or the kids, he didn't. I figured on Saturday he'd spend at least part of the day over here. He spent most of the day at work and then WAS driving over but when I spoke to him I suppose I displayed a bit of emotion AND that is what set him off. He called me a couple of hours after he should have been here and said he's been violently ill and has had to pull over and that's why he's running late. Ok so the truth finally comes out when he calls me after that....I AM making his ptsd worse and that when he's driving his car to our house he becomes sick and can't stand the thought of pulling up to the house, even though he says he loves me and its not me. He knows that my comments are rational but I am his trigger. Wow!

I don't know what to do other than ignore his phone call this morning because how can I not be upset about this? He says he's coming over today (Sunday) but how can I normalize this? I'm human, I'm hurt and I don't know how I'm going to be in his presence.

C.

 

[helena]

Hi Carmela,

I am so sorry because I know how much something like that can hurt and how numbing it must be for you.

I have no idea how you could be a 'trigger' for his combat ptsd. If he blamed you for his drinking, then I could relate because that is a very common accusation.

I hope someone will come along with some answers for you - is it possible that you can speak to his TH for advice/opinion?

Come back and let us know - this must be so hard for you after going through so much - please take care of your own stress levels. I know that's easier said than done but you have been through real trauma of late and you need to be careful.

 

[CCurry]

Thanks Helena and I do know you understand.

The very fact that I am displaying an emotion is a trigger for him. Now if I was upbeat and happy then that would be fine but I haven't been able to get to that happy place, not often enough anyway. I've lost over 20 lbs over the last month that I didn't need to lose but I feel myself sinking into my own depression.

In terms of his TH who I did call yesterday. Now this guy has only seen him for one session but after the session he handed out his business card and told us there was his pager on the card. Okay, so I paged him yesterday to try to explain that my OH told me that there is no friggin way he's going to be an inpatient and that he will fool all the doctors and that is how badly he doesn't want to be an inpatient. Okay, so this is what I called his TH to talk about BUT when he called me back I was aghast. In all of my years nobody has spoken to me so rudely. He was mad that he was disturbed and and rudely said, "what is this about? And why are you calling me?" I was so taken back by this I apologized if I crossed a boundary and wanted to hang up but he kept asking me if this was an emergency to which I said no. Again he asks "why are you calling then? Is he in crisis, are you in crisis? Is he suicidal? I said not at the moment but he did say if he is going to be an inpatient then he'll take his life. OMG, that is the truth he has said that a few times but to be honest I really think that comment from him is just a reaction to me. He has promised me that he will not do that, he thinks that is a coward's way out and he's not a coward. Bottom line is I'm terrified that this asshole of a TH will tell him about this phone call and if he tells him about the suicide comment, I'm done!

I can't even call this TH back again, I just cannot believe that he has the gall to charge $250 an hour and be so rude. Clearly he has no compassion and that he's in it solely for the money. Which btw he made it clear to us 2x on our first visit that if we cannot afford his rate then he's not our psychologist.

I think I got off track, the point is when I display any sad emotion then my OH goes beserk. How am I supposed to handle today when I don't feel happy?

C

 

[Paloma]

I am wondering if you might be a trigger because he DOES love you. Many vets I know, esp with combat related PTSD, have a morbid obsession with the death...or possibility of death...of those they are close to. After all, that is the nature of war...get close to someone and they die. He is close to you and the kids...it may be sparking an irrational free floating anxiety.

He is also not trusting himself these days. And...he is well aware that three of his combat buddies offed their families. He may be in huge conflict about wanting to be with you and ...fearing your impending doom...and terrified he might be the cause. I kind of got that impression from your other posts. I am not a mental health person...but I do have PTSD. I know that when I am in a bad flare...I not only don't trust others, I don't trust me. It is one of the reasons I live alone. I used to be an active self-mutilator. I am not now but I do struggle sometimes with overwhelming urges to do violence to myself.

It wasn't until I came here that I got an inkling of what you carers go through. What a bunch of saints! You are doing an awesome job. Please don't take it personally...thanks largely to you, he will get through this. Meanwhile, get some help for yourself.

 

[helena]

I can see how stressed you are just by your post..

I am really trying to think what I would do in your position. My instinct, and I could be wrong, is to step away and just try to calm yourself down completely before you make any call or see him.

If he is desperate - and anything like my sufferer - he will contact you. He sounds an intelligent man so he should be able, in more lucid moments, to understand that you need to back off to consider the implications of what he said to you.

As for the TH - I imagine in the US it is the same as over here, he could not possibly reveal something like that to his patient for a myriad of legal and moral reasons. I don't know how easy it is for you to do this, but if you really suspect the TH's motives then maybe you have to find an alternative TH.

It could be that joint therapy will be the key to solving this problem - you sound very isolated and afraid and someone has to be able help and advise you through this. The hardest thing for us as carers is actually knowing whether the things we do are the right things for our sufferers - this is a terrible blow for you and my heart goes out to you.

 

[Paloma]

Just read your reply...
Does your man not have access to veterans services? I must have missed that. And WTF is up with the T? Are there any other options? He gave you his pager. It is very hard to define 'crisis' and 'emergency'...maybe he should have been clearer about 'when' to call. This has been such a sucky fiasco for you...I am really sorry. That guy is a knucklehead.

My VA shrinks are not available afterhours to call...but there is a Veterans Hotline hooked up to Suicide Prevention. I have been able to call them when flipped out but not suicidal. They were great. If I had waited until I was suicidal...it would have been too late. I also would not go to an inpatient program when advised to and was fully prepared to head up into the mountains if it was going to be forced. Logical, caring people on the outside see this as providing a safe haven. But for me, all the hypervigilance, hyperarousal, paranoia, fear were in overdrive and I saw it only as being more helpless, more out of control, and at the mercy of dr.s and guards who may keep me locked up and drooling forever. No Way! It is hard to explain what goes on (or doesn't) in my head. But PTSD for me means I trust no one and when revved up in lizard brain mode it all about survival...which does not fit with turning over control to someone else or trapped. Hope this helps. Hope the things ease up. And maybe your being 'emotional' is a trigger because of his guilt about what is happening...which means he really does care about you. Is there any distracting activity you guys can do together? Obviously he is using work as a distraction. Can you suggest...I don't know...bowling, a game of poker, a fix-it project, etc?

 

[Frankie]

Hi CCurry,

I have been quietly reading your posts.....quietly cause at times I feel I don't have much to say anymore as a "carer" since I am not with my exbf since 1 year.....but ohhh do I understand your frustrations, your sadness and hurt :)

The name of your thread rang true for me....since I certainly was the trigger for my exbf leaving, and he hasn't been the same ever since !!!

Yes, some will say I shouldn't feel guilt in the way he had to leave...and some say that if not one thing...something else would have triggered him....but easier said then done....the guilt is still there one year after !

We have tried 3 times to get back together....he contacts me about every 3 months, (I love you, I am thinking of you, I miss you) and every time it seems like this will be the right time....and then as quietly as he comes back into my life....he disappears....complete silence and he shuts down again !!!

My exbf's PTSD is also military related and I do know how severe this disorder can be.....he has seen or heard of a few of his "brothers" commit suicide and that was and still is a very big worry for me.

Your husband is going through a very very hard time right now....and of course it affects you.....it is hard to do the "right" thing by them....sometimes I feel we are damned if we do and damned if we don't :) .....and his T is not helping anything at all !!! You would think that Ts should have more compassion and understand and not be judgemental.....agghhhh so frustrating !!!

A good T will know and understand that PTSD doesn't only affect the sufferer but his family also....and should be able to help both not just the one with PTSD....PTSD affects everyone around them.

I know it is hard....trust me, I know.....but try to give him space....again, easier said then done...since we are not saints but have our own emotions and feelings to deal with !

Having said that...I truly believe that you have to set boundaries and take care of yourself....he is dealing with this in the only way he knows how....avoidance and removing himself from everything and everyone.

I truly believe that one with uncontrolled PTSD will shut himself off from those he loves the most....less stress for them....they don't have to worry about "our" feelings or state of mind. If they can't see us or hear us....easier for them to not have to think about us !!

I also believe that this is a very selfish disorder for the sufferer....in my exbf's words (said to me once, after he tried the second time to make it work) "I have to think of myself first" so, yes, very selfish but that is also very true.

And as someone loving someone with the disorder I know that we do everything in our power to "accomodate", support and accept the people they now are.

I am a romantic at heart....if he is worth it...and believe the love you both share....go with it...as long as you don't bring yourself down....love shouldn't hurt so much...

Yes, now it feels like it is helpless....but keep on thinking on why you are there...why you are still around. Things have a way of working out....which way ? Only you and time will tell :)

Take care of you CCurry and if ever you need to talk....I am a good listener...and I can share a lot :)

Frankie

 

[CCurry]

Thanks guys for your replies, it's much appreciated. This morning I ignored all incoming calls from my OH, sort of a tit or tat thing and not that I normally do that but honestly I couldn't trust myself that I wouldn't make an emotional comment. It turns out because I was ignoring his calls he had a ptsd paranoid moment. He explained it to me later as he thought I set him up to lure him here to have cops waiting to take him away. I don't even think cops would come for this type of call, I mean he hasn't done anything.

Anyway, shows up, stayed for an hour and went into a disassociation and had to leave as he wanted to make sure he wasn't going to harm me. I'm sure he'll call me once he feels safe and I'll see if he's going to try again to come over. So you know, I behaved without emotion when he left and I will do the same when he calls (crossing fingers here).

By the way, I asked him why exactly am I triggering him because I seriously want to know. He said my emotion to him makes him feel guilty that he's not here supporting me, helping me with daily household tasks coupled with the incredible guilt he feels for what he's done in combat, he just can't handle that he can't give me what I need.

In regards to that TH, I'm pissed about that as he didn't specify when to page him and when not to. Maybe that's something he should consider. While my OH was here we spoke about that TH (and he doesn't know that I called at all), his comment was he thought that the TH was good but not sure he liked him, thought he was way too arrogant for his liking. Whew, I agreed and if he doesn't go to the next appt even better for me!

This week I searched out a Trauma center that deals with ptsd on an inpatient basis. The nurse was very nice and understood that we cannot afford the $32,000 for the 60 day program. The VA is not supporting him, long story but he's fallen in the cracks and they've turned their backs on him....so much for giving your country 25 years of service and then getting stabbed in the back by them.

Anyway, the nurse suggested a couple of therapist that work for this Centre and also have private practices. One of them is a psychologist and she set up their military ptsd program at Bellwood so she's worked with tons of vets. The other modality is called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and so while David was here he called this guy and he set up a meeting with him on Wednesday at 2pm. He has also worked with tons of military men and has used this form of therapy with them with great success. I hope this along with this new TH will be the answer.

Here's to a calm and peaceful day, wish me luck!

C

 

[Simon]

H from the UK

Hi there, I have read your posts and am so sorry to hear about the problems you are having and sincerely hope thins improve for you both. You should feel proud of yourelf because you are doing the best you can in very trying circumstances.

The TH you were using sounds like a completely heartless fool. And yes, I come from the school that says being a good TH doesn't mean you are completely detached otherwise you cannot build up a true relationship. Anyway, sounds like you are well shot of that particular individual. What is supposed to happen is that from outset, a verbal contract of behaviour is agreed, or even written down, and part of this involves the conditions around calling outside of your appointment. Now, I would have thought that anyone calling their TH out of hours wouldn't be doing it for a cosy chat - okay, there are people that will abuse that system but it's obvious you were in real need of some counselling, or purely just a supportive word or two. If he hadn't agreed a conract or code of conduct as imentioned then he had no right at all to complain and absolutely out of line to be abusive in any way. I'm glad you voted with your feet because there are plenty of good, caring therpists around for sure.

Your current arrangement sounds much more encouraging amd it seems that you husband has bought in to it too so I sincerely hope it is the beginning for you both. EMDR is another option if this doesn't work out which has had very good success with the vet community. Good luck to you both.

 

[armygf]

C,

I feel for you. I am in the exact same boat.

In the past 4 days, in which I have spoken with my gf for about 15 minutes total, every time I have been on the phone with her she seriously growls at me and then yells, no matter what I ask her. I ask her how her day was, she growls. I ask her what she did today, she yells at me that she never does anything and she growls. I ask her how she's feeling and she yells at me that I should focus on me and not care about her and how she's doing and she growls. Then she practically screams "I Love You" at me and hangs up before I can say anything else. It is impossible to talk to her or be honest with her, and when she yells and growls at me, I immediately feel like crying, or at the very least asking her to not yell or growl at me because it makes me upset. Today she told me that she can't handle my emotion, it triggers her into an episode of suicidal thoughts and racing pulse and depression, so that's why she's mean to me before I ever even get emotional cuz she knows I will get emotional, which will trigger her. So this all makes it impossible to have any sort of a conversation or anything. I think I should stop answering the phone when she calls me because it never ends well. None of those 15 minutes that we've spoken have been initiated by me.

This is a very tough place to be. I'm praying for you, C, and your boyfriend, and I feel for you. I guess try not to bottle up your emotions too much and try to be as honest as possible, but I don't know what else to tell you. It seems there isn't much advice to give. I love my gf, and I can't imagine leaving her, especially now when she's so fragile, and I'm sure that you feel the same way. So hang in there, and know that I'm thinking of you, and I completely understand where you are right now, and how lonely it is.

 

[georgie1668]

C

Your posts made me so sad to think what you are going through right now. It sounds like you are an amazing person and that you are really standing by your husband at this really difficult time. But I am concerned that you are suffering - my friend said to me the other day, that I can't sacrifice my health in order to improve my sufferer's health. So right but hard to do in practice. You can't help being a caring person and with that comes emotion - all very natural and totally understandable.

I have no doubt in my mind that your husband loves you from what you have said - but it sounds like he is in a really bad place right now. I haven't seen my man for six weeks now - seeing him for the first time tomorrow after a really bad episode for him - with hospitalisation following suicidal ideation. It is really hard to pull back - but it must be harder for you as you have built a life with this man. I have only been with my man since January. However, I know that he cannot relate to me when he is in the middle of a major episode/shutdown - and I know it is not about me, in fact he is just avoiding me because he can't handle emotional involvement, etc. I know that it actually means he cares about me - while he was suicidal, he also said he was likely to harm others - so I guess he experienced a dissociation also.

It is so terribly hard - I hope that this new therapist can help you both - honestly that other person sounded incredibly unprofessional. i have a background in social work and have counselled people in my work so I know what is expected = that is just not on and $250? my God I lived in US for a while so I know about the health system there. God! Anyway, if you find the right person, it will make things much easier hopefully. In the meantime, do you have anyone you can confide in or lean on? I know it is hard to explain to well-meaning friends and family what is occurring, but hopefully there is one you can let it all out. You need to be supported and cherished by someone while this is occurring. I am worried that you will jeopardise your own health. Boundary setting is the only way sometimes, and it sounds like you have done some already - I found it really difficult to do so as you need to have an outlet for those emotions.

Take care and I really hope he gets the help he needs and that things improve for you. I really think he loves you and that is why he has said you are a trigger - the emotional involvement can I guess sometimes be overwhleming.

Georgie

 

[CCurry]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for your support yesterday, I really appreciated it and it helped me cope with my day with him.

He did end up coming back for a few more hours, he helped me put the groceries away, we even managed a family dinner and there was a very tiny glimmer of his old self back (for a few minutes anyway). He left after dinner though as his anxiety was really ramping up.

I realized something about the meds, although they are helping to a small degree without TH he will never be able to fight off those demons that live in his head. I suppose I was placing an unrealistic expectation in regards to benefits of those meds.

One positive comment he did make though was if the psychiatrist (once we get to see him) feels that the only way he's going to pull through this is in being in an inpatient program then he'll do it.

Thanks for yesterday!!
C.