Relationship I Am So Confused!

[MoeX]

The reason I asked when the pics were taken was because once I asked my BF about how he handled something before PTSD and he told me "nothing is the same as before." He is a different person. He did things then that he can do now. That carefree side is hidden somewhere. It comes out sometimes and that "sometimes" is what keeps me here.
You pretty much described my BF. We rarely if ever discuss feelings. If we do he becomes a wall. I am very prone to crying and sometimes he can just watch me with no expression. He is completely detached at times. He has admitted that he is numb. I used to continue to talk but I would end up turning it into a big fight because he would shut down and I would feel as if he wasn’t listening.
When he shuts down on me I walk away and revisit the discussion at a later time. I try not to do it in person and a lot of the time I text him what I’m feeling. It helps me to know that I got it off my chest and he feels less pressure without me in front of him so he will answer. I can gauge how receptive he is by his answers. If I don’t get a return I know he is in shut down mode and I can stop the discussion while still feeling heard.
I understand it’s hard when your SO can't or won’t tell you how they feel about you. I don’t get I love yous. I won’t lie, I struggle with that. From things my BF has said I have learned that he is scared to say those words. Afraid that once its out I can hurt him. It’s like those words carry a bad omen or something. Either way I am learning to look for his feelings in the way he treats me. When I learned my love language (touch) I told him about it, he now makes sure to hold my hand, hug or kiss me often. He encourages me to do things for myself and he plans a future with me in it. Now and again he will say sweet things and I make sure to soak that up cause those words are not said easily.
If you need to talk I’m here. :)

 

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

He's probably just terrified of letting the feelings out. For you that's a good a sign. Emotional currency wise, the feelings are there.

Something said just above really resonated for me, bringing forth tears @MoeX

That carefree side is hidden somewhere. It comes out sometimes and that "sometimes" is what keeps me here.

 

[Dee Morris]

I can tell you that I know I do the push/pull thing. I'm not trying to be confusing and pushing someone away doesn't mean I don't care. It's just on some level I believe I'm not good enough for that person so if I push them away it's because I am recognizing how strong my feelings are for that person and don't want to get hurt even more by continuing to invest in someone that is eventually going to just dump me and break my heart anyway. At least that way I can feel like I have some measure of control over the inevitable pain. It really sounds like he is trying and manages the anxiety about being vulnerable with you by using humor. BTW... I have all of zero pictures of myself and the person I am in love with and that relationship lasted about a year and a half. In fact, he's never even been to my home or met my kids.

 

[circe47]

He won't even take a picture with me for goodness sakes and when we do he can't make a serious face, it irritates me to no end. He has plenty of pictures with his exes and had no problem there. Why is it different with me? He said I was smothering him because I kept taking pictures. 1- if you didn't want to take any, then say no; don't keep making stupid faces making me want to retake. and 2- make a normal face and I wouldn't of had to take more than one!

It doesn't matter why he doesn't take pictures with/for you. Clearly he's not a circus monkey, ready and willing to perform. Apparently, he has made his wishes clear, yet, you seem really adamant in your endeavor to put him on display. In a nutshell? If you didn't want to hold hands in public, would you want him to constantly push you to, then call you stupid after you grudgingly entwined your fingers with his?

It has been my experience in dealing with men for the last 35 years that the younger they are, the more quickly they can be rigidly reluctant when it comes to PDA's like hand holding, kissing, and happy little couple pictures taken together every hour on the hour. They feel like they are being forced to prove their softer feelings, and they don't like this. Not many men do- unless they are gay. Straight men take their more vulnerable feelings extremely seriously, and they don't like to put those feelings on display, on command, unless they are ready to be in a committed relationship with someone.

I'm not saying younger men aren't willing to show affection- they are. But, they also want it to be spontaneous and not for "showing off" a relationship like females tend to want to do. My husband calls this feminine behavior piddling. He heard it from a female friend. It's what most females tend to do when in the company of the object of their affections. They tend to want to hold hands, kiss in public, take photos and post them online, just so that everyone, especially other females, will see how happy and in love they are. I'm female, so I know. What other reason is there for insisting on "showing off?" As long as your guy treats you like a princess in private, what difference does it make whether he takes a bunch of pictures with you? Is it so that you can put them up on Facebook, or show to family and friends? To a guy, this signals a permanency he might not be ready for at only 7 months in.

I'd say at this point, step back. If he gives any indication that he's noted the difference and distance, then he's paying attention and probably is more comfortable moving at a slower pace. If he doesn't respond within 2 weeks, he probably won't, until he wants something that you have the choice to give or not give.

 

[sthrngirl]

I never said I wanted to show him off. Having a personal picture for myself is all I wanted. Honestly I think it all comes down to him not wanting to do any of the things his exes use to do. That's all I can get out of it. He made no wishes clear until after the fact when I was like.. I wish you would take a serious one and he flips out. He does anything to avoid any communication when it comes to feelings. Most of the time his actions prove he cares and then I'll get a random curveball of wtf! I'm still learning and so is he. I'm still trying and changing for the best. We are still young.

 

[circe47]

I can tell you are young because I was just like you, so many years ago. I know what it feels like to want someone and be so happy that I can't wait to show the entire world how I feel and who was responsible for that feeling. For me, it was an affirmation to the entire world that I was actually capable of being loved.

I'm not saying your situation is like mine or others. I'm just trying to share some of my experiences with the frustrating species that is the human male. Granted, most of my experiences are with men of a different generation that yours, but I also have dated men half my age, and have a 19 year old son that behaves like all the others before him. Ask him about feelings and he literally goes sheet white and runs from the room! The ONLY time he EVER expressed or talked about his feelings is when he was throwing a fit at the age of 5, or came to me, his MOTHER, when he had issues with his teenage girlfriend a couple years ago.

Bottom line? Discussing feelings is something that most men absolutely HATE discussing. It's truly not only in their DNA, it's conditioned into them from birth.

 

[sthrngirl]

I agree. It's just something I am still adjusting to and having a hard time now I suppose. The relationship feels one sided and that I'm the only one trying or even that cares and I'm tired of feeling guilty of feeling that way when I know he has issues with the PTSD. I'm not trying to change him. I get mad and frustrated just like him but to him it seems when I get mad it's not okay.

 

[circe47]

Especially don't do anything his ex's did. There's a reason why they are his ex's. You will strive do be as different from the others as you possibly can. That's how you win the heart of the one you want.

 

[MoeX]

My husband calls this feminine behavior piddling. He heard it from a female friend. It's what most females tend to do when in the company of the object of their affections. They tend to want to hold hands, kiss in public, take photos and post them online, just so that everyone, especially other females, will see how happy and in love they are.

I LOVE this. I see this all the time on FB. It used to really get to me as my BF has such a problem with affection. I used to think what’s wrong with OUR relationship that we are not happy like THOSE people. I realized that it is just for show, because really I know those people in really life and they are nothing like they portray on FB. Social networking can be so bad for you.

The relationship feels one sided and that I'm the only one trying or even that cares and I'm tired of feeling guilty of feeling that way when I know he has issues with the PTSD

I used to feel this way a lot. Take a step back from the situation and ask yourself if its really one sided or if you just feel that way based on what you see around you. Make a list of what he does that makes you feel good about the relationship. A "why am I here list". You may be surprised that he does show he cares just maybe not in the way you do.[/quote]

 

[kahlan]

Step back and read what you've written as if someone else wrote it. You said yourself he has said he felt smothered. Now I can only commebt based on what you've written, but that stood out big time. Relationships in general require a certain amount of compromise, PTSD relationships even moreso.

Don't worry about what he did with his exes, that screams of insecurity as does trying to.force him to do something he's stated he's not comfortable with, ie. taking pictures with you.

Spend some more time making yourself happy and let him come to you when he's ready.

 

[sthrngirl]

My issue was that he had a problem with it AFTER the fact. Not during. I was just getting aggravated because he wouldn't be serious.. and then when he had enough of me talking about it, he finds something upsetting to say. That's just how he is.

I agree, I shouldn't compare myself and that is just me being insecure. I have to work on that myself.

He has mentioned how he thinks people on Facebook in relationships just put on a show. I think we all know some of those people. But really those weren't my intentions, i just wanted one for ME.

I talked to his best friend yesterday (who is female, also his ex from HS) and she told me that I am the first serious relationship he has been in in about 4 years. That isn't something I knew. Ultimately, I just think he is cautious and afraid. Understandable.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

My issue was that he had a problem with it AFTER the fact. Not during.

I think this may fall under the category of things you simply need to accept. Non-sufferers have a hard time understanding our delayed reaction to stressors and triggers. Mine are sometimes delayed by DAYS and by that point I'm expressing stress in a completely different situation to completely different people. My point is that he may not be able to help it and blaming him for not getting upset in the moment isn't exactly fair.