I Am Trying Not To Dwell On The Negative Things In My Past.

[Deleted member 12723]

anni you do not have to worry about what you say to me. I understand you and you make perfect sense to me. I just want to let go. I want to be free of the bitterness and the hatred of them. I am so weary of being poisioned by the pent up feelings. So I am doing the best I can in letting go. I so want to be free of them. I feel so tangled up with them and the truth is I am not tangled up with them.

I want to feel happy. I want to feel free of them. I will do whatever it takes to become free of them. It feels like one big ball of dysfunction. I feel so enmeshed with them. Probably because there was no boundries allowed. I have boundries now. The last call from my sister was almost normal. I think she is changing because she is so sick.

I am so weary of being bitter and full of hate. I just want to feel nothing when I think of them. I only have bad memories with a sprinkling of good memories. More bad than good. I so need to be free of it all.

 

[safenow]

My family was so toxic I had to let go. I held on to wanting them to love me and help for way too long. But I finally smartened up and let go. I literally tossed my aunt out of the front door and told her to write me off. Never contact me again. One of my father's brothers (the eldest one - the good one) actually gave me his good conduct medal for doing that. He said it was the best thing I could have done for me.

For me, boundaries are most important. When I feel uncomfortable with someone, I know it's time for me to leave. I know that sounds strange, but when you've been treated like I was growing up, it's the safest thing to do. I don't know if it would work for you, my dear new friend. But I'm glad you said you have boundaries now for yourself. I doubt there will ever be a day when you won't feel something thinking of them. But over time, I believe it will be easier, and you will only feel pity for them. Pity, because you are a great person and could have been good for them. But you can't because they won't let you.So don't beat yourself for having to let them go. It is not your fault.

For me, I stayed away for long periods of time. I'd check in once in a while, just because he was my father. But since it never went well, I wouldn't talk for long. Then, I'd not give him another thought for years. Now, when I think of him, I think, "He had to stand before God and explain why he did what he did." Yup. I pity him and all those who ever did anything evil to me or my sister. (I'm a religious person - always have been.)

 

[Sailorgal]

Everyone's different, not cool to 'tell' others what to do,don't mean to, like some Life expert. You're just coincidentally hitting some nerves with real-time life here, can you tell?

(((ANNI)))
We are all in different places, have different hurts, and there's only so much we can convey properly on the internet. Generally, I believe we all understand we are all sharing out of concern based on our stories. Sometimes I am guilty of rushing out a comment, and I don't realize it comes across rather brash. It's not as clear as neither of us are talking face to face.

It HURTS, it SUCKS, it is HELL at times, but none of us want it to stay that way. Some people can let go because one day they wake up and realize it doesn't bother them anymore. Others, make themselves. Both are resolutions...just the paths are a bit different. Neither one is wrong. Both examples WANT to stop being hurt, stop caring.

I believe we can have boundaries, but in all honesty, it's a tough world out there. I think we need boundaries for things we CAN control (our actions). But for example, the rude taxi driver, waitress, neighbor....family members, we have to learn to adjust. Unfortunately, we can't avoid the world but that doesn't mean throw ourselves in the fire pit!

I hope things become easier for you in 2013! :)

 

[anni]

I literally tossed my aunt out of the front door and told her to write me off. Never contact me again. One of my father's brothers (the eldest one - the good one) actually gave me his good conduct medal for doing that. He said it was the best thing I could have done for me.

This is awesome, awesome, awesome! OH my gosh, thank you for that entire story! Of course it wouldn't work for everyone, not always physically possible plus some kooks will come back and take it too far, etc. BUT- even just the visualization is amazingly helpful. The whole thing, with the medal, too- SO cool as heck.

Gizmo, visualizations help, truly, although if you Google them it'd be good if it's spelled correctly. Not sure that is. :D ( Tend to be caught between plain old poor spelling and dyslexia, hee! Talk about chicken/egg, gets hysterical. )

I'm VERY glad your sister sounds like she's 'better', please do yourself the kindness of not basing any of your healing or hope on what you're receiving from her, though? It would just mean that her back-slide would result in one for you- not fair to you once again.

We just cannot insist on any of the 'them's' behaving or reacting like they 'should', or like we wish they would, or even like any rational human being would expect them to. If you think about it, kind of makes us out OWN kind of control freak, if we hold onto these expectations on any level despite all the proof to the contrary we've had in the past. One thing that Dr. Phil says all the time which makes sense is the whole thing about 'The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour'. Please do not think I'm doubting your sister's sincerity- I do not know her-maybe she really IS healing. It's just maybe not a great idea to have your own hopes resting against any freshly healed scar tissue in your own heart, based on what she's doing/thinking/feeling.

I'm tired of it too. Have varying successes at the moment with visualizations- things like giant hedge-clippers cutting cords to them, encasing them in large balls and handing them to God, handing my pain to God, burying it, blowing it UP, recycling it where it grows again as fields of flowers- tons of them. I think the point being is that it's something to DO with that stupid loop, when we start playing it again- anger, bitter, resentment, hurt- makes it linear energy, sort of, instead of round and round and round, you can DO something with it besides always hitting 'replay'. If that makes any sense.

Thanks for the permission to write way too much, very kind. :)

 

[anni]

Safenow, just lovely of you, the hugs and Peace. Thank you. And hope it's ok to also enjoy your moment with the aunt, besides appreciating the whole thing deeply. No, not one thing funny in the pain, just too, too triumphant or something not to make one smile.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

anni, thank you for the warning about my sister. I do have to keep in mind that it was only one time that she was ok. The rest of the times she was not.

I will try visualizations. That is a excellent idea. I had not thought about that. It will happen when I am ready. I am in the preparing to get ready stage, the very beginning. Thank you for all you shared with me. I find this is really important to me.

So I am just at the beginning of a long process I suppose. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I appreciate them very much. Hugs.

 

[rightkindofme]

I have gone zero contact with my bio-family. I believe the only person I have to forgive is me. I'm not exactly an atheist but I come pretty close.

At this stage of my life what I am doing is looking intensely at how I was inadequately parented and I am consciously filling in those holes for myself. I need to learn how to eat right. I need to learn how to exercise (I ran a marathon last year!). I need to learn how to budget alone time and social time because I have need for both. I need to learn how to express my needs in a calm patient voice instead of screaming at people.

I have to forgive myself for having to learn these things in my 30's. I'm not pathetic. I'm not stupid. I just don't know. I am currently ignorant. It's not my fault that I had such an inadequate childhood. I need to forgive myself.

When I stole food it was because I was starving. When I was raped it was never my fault. When I was beaten it was never my fault.

I don't need to forgive those people. Yes, they are haunted by demons but I can't fix them and they won't fix themselves. I have to protect myself and my children. I need to deliberately choose to not forgive my family. I need to shut that door because some people are not redeemable. It's harsh and I feel like a terrible person but I believe it with every fiber of my being.

I believe we are all just animals trying to survive. (I've been reading The Moral Animal.) Animals do what they have to do to survive. My sister and brother were taught that survival involved getting your emotional and sexual needs met with children in their family. These things are real needs. They weren't taught how to get them met. They are not willing to look at themselves enough to get their shit together and admit how completely broken they are.

I can't forgive that. I just can't. I can cut contact with them and know that what they do with their poison is not about me and isn't something I can change. I can't prevent them from abusing more people. All I can do is make sure that me and my kids aren't on their sh!t list any more.

So there are lots of views on forgiveness out there. I don't believe in any kind of omniscient or benevolent God because then that being allowed my childhood to happen. Such a being allows children to be raped every day.

I think this all but a war for survival. I have to protect me because no one else will. No one else gives a sh!t. I don't need to forgive. But I do need to carefully conserve my energy for survival and that means not thinking about them much. It's hard.

I miss my family so much. I look at pictures of them and cry pretty often. I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to have boundaries with them and figure out how to have a relationship but I'm just not. Some burdens are too heavy for me to carry.

 

[safenow]

Rightkindofme, you have a right to set boundaries, and that is what you have done. By blocking then, that is your boundary. If they refuse to regroup and change, there is no law that says you must allow them into your life. And if there was, it would be a bad law.

I'm sorry you went through such crap. Too many of us went through bad crap at the hands of those who should have been taking care of us. I don't even miss my family, other than my mother and sister. But they both died when I was a wee little kid.

 

[Sailorgal]

Rightkindofme,

What horrible things you've had to endure in your life. It is beyond words how people can hurt children, or anyone for that matter and not realize what they are doing.

Your children are fortunate to have a mom who refuses to allow this poison to continue. None of us are responsible for another's actions, not even over your kids. All we can do is be good examples and the best we can be. It's hard but over time, I hope you can expend more energy on yourself and not on "them" as the way it is now, they will not change. However, you can grow to become a stronger you regardless of the boundaries. :)

 

[anni]

Yes, gosh, it has to be whatever Works, bottom line. No one has the right to tell anyone how to heal, or function, or get through these wounds.

Rightkindofme, thanks for sharing yours. NO, does not sound at all harsh, nor are you ignorant with all that worked through, and SO not a terrible person, gosh. Hurts my heart a little to hear someone who has been so tormented go there. How super-human do we have to be, wishing these people well or something?

I might be able to hand 'mine' over to God in sheer exhaustion, give the heck UP, already, but it's also where I think I'm 'spossed to go, you know? I don't have Right's brand of evil living in my scrapbook, either. Boy, highlights what I said about no one having the right to tell anyone else what on earth to DO with this stuff. How would I know what RightKindOfMe has been through? 'Mine' was sheer terror, to be sure- there's no competition here, just different.

You haven't engaged them, talk about letting go, fiercely so. My goodness.

I hope you do find something which helps, Gizmo. The people I'm dealing with at least are not directly involved with my original trauma, just are shamefully using my PTSD and past as a kind of weapon. Long story. Still, have to say the first time I tried visualizations in relation to 'Him' ( original traumas ), found it hugely helpful. As we keep pointing out though, this would be what 'worked' for me, you know?

 

[anni]

ps Hit 'post' instead of minimizing to go coffee-up, oops. Also wished to say, for what it's worth, I really, really have an awful lot of respect for both of you. Thanks for letting me stick my nose in here. Hope it made sense, been fuzzy lately.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have been having some luck in the letting go process. I cannot forget but I can let go. I so want to be free of the bitterness and the hate. I need understanding. I need acceptance of what is. I cannot change another but I can change me.

So that is where I will start. I will change me. I will take baby steps. I will go slow. I will visualize having conversations with them and if I have to write letters that I do not send. This is really important to me.

anni I want to thank you so much for your kind words of wisdom and support and encouragement. I really appreciate it so much. It feels so good to have support while doing this. I need to take this into emdr but I have to wait two months before I can have it again thanks to my hospitals policies.

I have to call them today to get a referral to a group. They meet twice a month. I have not gotten a referral yet. So I will take care of that today. Wish me luck. I really want to do this group. They work on stuff I need to work on.