It'd be specifically COCSA that I went through but I keep having intense moments (happening over the span of a few months to a year now on random days, especially if I'm not in a good headspace and given my mind's been hyper focused on everything relating to sexual traumas I've been through it's driving me crazy.) I usually just look up and into the definitions of SA whenever I get like this to reassure myself and get rid of the invalid feelings towards my own experiences but it's still plaguing me and it's really f*cking with my head. There's two instances of this which all happened when I was 11, but the second could've just been sexual harassment.
The context of everything is; I was 11 (in 5th grade), it happened after school when me and my brother usually would just head home. This time particularly my brother had became friends with the sibling of someone who was a physical bully to me since 3rd grade, to no surprise I didn't trust the boy hanging around with my brother and being the older sibling I wanted to look after my brother despite my brother not caring for my concerns regarding his safety. My brother had been hanging around with the kid after school and this time I joined along to see what even went on between them, they'd basically be fighting each other in an alleyway very close to the plaza of the town my family used to live in. And that's exactly what they did, they fought each other and I just was watching. Then the boy wanted me to join, I declined because I didn't wanna fight him (besides being intimidated by him) but he'd start throwing punches at me anyway so I tried to fight back in response anyway.
After that, he told me to remove my shirt. I was reluctant but he kept pushing it and gave into it. We then fought again for a moment because he wanted to before he proceeded to tell me to take off my bra, I refused this despite him again pressuring me to do it because "it's fine, no one will see you" and he seemed mad about the fact I didn't do as he said. He then told me to sit on his lap, I was hesitant and confused but since he kept pressuring again and I gave into what he said again, I was still very much afraid of him and his previous reaction to me not doing it made me uneasy. So I sat there, I didn't say anything. Everything was awkward and embarrassing to me but I had no understanding of what was going on or why he wanted me to sit there. While sitting on his lap he started to shove his hands in my pants and feel my ass, and touch under my chest, waist and thighs before I started to feel something against my bottom as he starting to lift himself up against me. I had no idea what it was when everything was happening, just had a weird feeling in my stomach the same feeling I got when exposed to NSFW material at the age of 8 at the earliest. And felt like I was heating up, especially in the face. I just stayed silent and confused the whole time, unaware of what he was doing because I could barely see what he was doing from how my back was to him. He did this twice, the 2nd time he started talking, asking what I wanted for Christmas and that he was Santa. I just answered with alot of "I don't know?", because I didn't and I didn't know why he was asking me about this. He then told me to get up, which I did and had to pull up my pants and underwear which were lowered. Feeling weird and confused about what just happened but not questioning it in my mind. I just processed it as just weird touching but nothing to bat an eye at in my head so I didn't think anything of it outside of that. He took me and my brother to an abandoned apartment complex in the plaza, that's where he kept asking me "Do you wanna have sex?", which. I knew what sex meant and said no despite feeling really pressured to say yes kept saying no to even though he kept looking more pissed that I again was refusing. (I was raised as a religious child and I perceived sex as a sin but I also didn't wanna do it) He eventually gave up on trying to get me to do it, saying things like "I thought you liked sex", or "come on, it'll be fine", etc etc. There was an elevator in this apartment room and afterwards he told my brother there was a gun on the floor the elevator led to, he then told me to get it. I said no, not trusting the elevator or giving that boy access to a gun if there was one. He told me repeatedly to get it and I refused, this escalated to him pushing me up against a wall and beating the shit out of me before we'd all leave the apartment. He and my brother made fun of me for not agreeing to have sex with him, and as me and my brother walked home my brother told me that he had a boner while I was sitting on his lap. Once we got home I had only told my mom and dad about what happened in regards to him beating me, but I didn't tell them ever about the other things that happened. I think I just felt guilty and ashamed besides just lacking the awareness of what just happened to me (this is the 11 yr old that convinced themselves that the attempted SA they went through the same year was a normal life thing probably because the police did nothing about the guy, till he got another victim)
Everything regarding this, and the other instance of a boy in my school who after giving me a sketchbook (I draw) who'd start touching my ass whenever I was near him and not looking besides whispering sexual things to me (whenever I looked at him, he just said "nothing", and I just tried to ignore him despite what he was doing, felt extra guilty for missing the attention he was giving me when he stopped once we were in 6th grade, I think.) is in general very hard to even process because unlike the attempted sexual assault I had gone through, I didn't have awareness nor get to really be angry or grieve or anything over it. But my feelings about being unable to even properly process everything even as my head repeats it daily is another whole thing in itself.
But please can someone tell me I'm not crazy for this, I feel like I might be. But I've looked at the definitions of SA so many times yet it's hard to even feel validated that it's that that happened, that it was that and not something less. I've told myself it is because it has to be but I still feel like this, am I overreacting and just making things bigger than they seem? Am I just crazy?
The context of everything is; I was 11 (in 5th grade), it happened after school when me and my brother usually would just head home. This time particularly my brother had became friends with the sibling of someone who was a physical bully to me since 3rd grade, to no surprise I didn't trust the boy hanging around with my brother and being the older sibling I wanted to look after my brother despite my brother not caring for my concerns regarding his safety. My brother had been hanging around with the kid after school and this time I joined along to see what even went on between them, they'd basically be fighting each other in an alleyway very close to the plaza of the town my family used to live in. And that's exactly what they did, they fought each other and I just was watching. Then the boy wanted me to join, I declined because I didn't wanna fight him (besides being intimidated by him) but he'd start throwing punches at me anyway so I tried to fight back in response anyway.
After that, he told me to remove my shirt. I was reluctant but he kept pushing it and gave into it. We then fought again for a moment because he wanted to before he proceeded to tell me to take off my bra, I refused this despite him again pressuring me to do it because "it's fine, no one will see you" and he seemed mad about the fact I didn't do as he said. He then told me to sit on his lap, I was hesitant and confused but since he kept pressuring again and I gave into what he said again, I was still very much afraid of him and his previous reaction to me not doing it made me uneasy. So I sat there, I didn't say anything. Everything was awkward and embarrassing to me but I had no understanding of what was going on or why he wanted me to sit there. While sitting on his lap he started to shove his hands in my pants and feel my ass, and touch under my chest, waist and thighs before I started to feel something against my bottom as he starting to lift himself up against me. I had no idea what it was when everything was happening, just had a weird feeling in my stomach the same feeling I got when exposed to NSFW material at the age of 8 at the earliest. And felt like I was heating up, especially in the face. I just stayed silent and confused the whole time, unaware of what he was doing because I could barely see what he was doing from how my back was to him. He did this twice, the 2nd time he started talking, asking what I wanted for Christmas and that he was Santa. I just answered with alot of "I don't know?", because I didn't and I didn't know why he was asking me about this. He then told me to get up, which I did and had to pull up my pants and underwear which were lowered. Feeling weird and confused about what just happened but not questioning it in my mind. I just processed it as just weird touching but nothing to bat an eye at in my head so I didn't think anything of it outside of that. He took me and my brother to an abandoned apartment complex in the plaza, that's where he kept asking me "Do you wanna have sex?", which. I knew what sex meant and said no despite feeling really pressured to say yes kept saying no to even though he kept looking more pissed that I again was refusing. (I was raised as a religious child and I perceived sex as a sin but I also didn't wanna do it) He eventually gave up on trying to get me to do it, saying things like "I thought you liked sex", or "come on, it'll be fine", etc etc. There was an elevator in this apartment room and afterwards he told my brother there was a gun on the floor the elevator led to, he then told me to get it. I said no, not trusting the elevator or giving that boy access to a gun if there was one. He told me repeatedly to get it and I refused, this escalated to him pushing me up against a wall and beating the shit out of me before we'd all leave the apartment. He and my brother made fun of me for not agreeing to have sex with him, and as me and my brother walked home my brother told me that he had a boner while I was sitting on his lap. Once we got home I had only told my mom and dad about what happened in regards to him beating me, but I didn't tell them ever about the other things that happened. I think I just felt guilty and ashamed besides just lacking the awareness of what just happened to me (this is the 11 yr old that convinced themselves that the attempted SA they went through the same year was a normal life thing probably because the police did nothing about the guy, till he got another victim)
Everything regarding this, and the other instance of a boy in my school who after giving me a sketchbook (I draw) who'd start touching my ass whenever I was near him and not looking besides whispering sexual things to me (whenever I looked at him, he just said "nothing", and I just tried to ignore him despite what he was doing, felt extra guilty for missing the attention he was giving me when he stopped once we were in 6th grade, I think.) is in general very hard to even process because unlike the attempted sexual assault I had gone through, I didn't have awareness nor get to really be angry or grieve or anything over it. But my feelings about being unable to even properly process everything even as my head repeats it daily is another whole thing in itself.
But please can someone tell me I'm not crazy for this, I feel like I might be. But I've looked at the definitions of SA so many times yet it's hard to even feel validated that it's that that happened, that it was that and not something less. I've told myself it is because it has to be but I still feel like this, am I overreacting and just making things bigger than they seem? Am I just crazy?
