I Cannot Handle Working

[Punky143]

Well, at least this time, this spiral downward, was one that could of been prevented. One trauma after another for the last 2 years on top of a hx of childhood trauma has officially kicked my butt. Each one so totally different from another leaving no time to even get my head wrapped around what even happened. Because of constant events, my once so very private internal world was discovered. And so much work to do in between life's curve balls. And I'm failing fast and losing the ability to hide it. I've submitted paperwork to work 3 of the 5 days and was supposed to be reviewed yesterday but because of an admin error, now I have to suffer and wait till April. I'm losing the ability to have control and I fear they will decide for me. This was the last "good" effort I had in "us". People have walked over me my entire life. I know I'm sick and need help, (I've been down the same path many times) by why allow me to crash and burn while others watch? I need a break. I need rest. But life continues to happen and the break never comes, just another horrible event. I'm just so very sad.

 

[Deadman]

Do you have any real life friend you can lean on for a little while? I think I saw that your best friend died recently but is there anyone else? Family, minister, therapist? Maybe you could find a support group?

I hear your pain and wonder if you need more than our support until you can lower the stress from your work life.

 

[GrayOwl]

You may have answered your own question?
"I need a break. I need rest."
Would that be so bad?

If you could survive the financial aspect, it might be time for a reset.

“How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?” attributed to Sherlock Holmes.
“There is nothing more deceptive than an obvious fact.”
― Arthur Conan Doyle

When I work on my fear of the unknown, what I often view as a step backwards, or something I cannot do or let happen, is actually the best avenue for my development and safety.

Five years ago I had a hefty retirement account, 6 figure savings account, home, lots of land, great paying job, family, wife, kids, new cars, you name it. 55 years of what seemed like a pretty "normal" life
Today, Mom is dead, wife and kids living elsewhere, retirement account plundered, savings gone, house and land vacated, in bankruptcy, crippled from three separate incidents, job gone, working part time overnights, living alone in a small rented room. I'm facing life changing surgery in 5 weeks. All the result of a series of premeditated attacks on me by a narcissistic bullying system.
Where did it all go I ask?

To answer that question I am led down dark avenues. Depression, self pity and "poor me" follow. I choose not to follow that path. That's not always easy - it tugs at me.
The only way I can survive is to believe that when one door closes another opens. And when all the doors close, a big sure must be opening somewhere. Sound like nonsense? Perhaps. But the alternative to not believing is those dark places that lead to despair and even worse fates. So I would rather be the smiling fool than the harbinger of doom.

I work very hard today trying to be a support person for others, especially people who have endured similar trauma and mental/emotional events such as myself. I have buried myself in to legal research and legislative efforts to change workplace laws and philosophy in my state. I have commitments from legislators that if I can bring a template for a new law forward they will introduce it in to the legislature and try to bring it to a vote. I have encountered and interviewed hundreds of people who have endured themselves, or someone in there family, similar trauma - and I see dozens of suicides, deaths, injuries, emotional trauma and other carnage at the hands of relentless bullies who are allowed to prey on others without any fear of punishment.

I have a new course and a new cause in life. I've dug it out of the ashes myself, perhaps much as Anthony and Nicolette have done themselves in healing and providing inspiration for this wonderful website we all use. I have rewards today that are not measured in financial or status terms. And this came about because I am a determined "fool" who will not give in to despair or depression. And that meant that at some point in time I had to face my fears - loss of income, being alone, etc. Because they were going to happen anyway.

So I can only say to you, "Keep The Faith". I don't know what life has in store for you. I hope it is a path toward healing and serenity. I've seen you around and I believe things can get better.
I certainly have to agree that sometimes life really sucks and sometimes it really seems like it throws everything it's got against you and the harder you try the more it beats on you. I've found that when that happens it feels like I'm swimming upstream. The answer? Change direction. Go with the flow. Whatever direction you don't seem to want to go. But that damned current keeps pushin me there anyway. So here I am, downstream, bedraggled, half drowned, and washed up on the beach - but that's just me and that's where I'm at. Still alive and kickin hard.

I wish you the best. I will check back and see how you're doing. Good luck with things. I hope they work out in a way that is good for you.

 

[Punky143]

As if it can't feel more horrible than I do today got worse. At work. I have given my best to preserve my integrity but no one wants to listen forcing my collapse. The dissociative parts can't hide. No longer

 

[GrayOwl]

:hug:
Take a breather.
Netflix and ice cream.
A nap. Whatever..........
Let the world do its thing for a few hours.
We'll survive for a few hours till you feel a little better.
People at work are generally herd animals. They pretty much don't care and if you suffer it just means they worry about working harder or hope they can get your spot if you leave. Pick your friends wisely, stick to facts and tasks at work.
I don't know much about your situation so I really don't want to preach or advise. I really hope you can find some place to relax for a bit and compose. Not much else really matters right now. It really doesn't. You just need some sunshine and good stuff.
Phone a friend, treat yourself good, and I sent a little :hug:.
Thanks for sharing. I hope things improve.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Well, at least this time, this spiral downward, was one that could of been prevented. One trauma after...

Stay with us in this group, you need to vent, and you need to share your pain, it is a part of healing. Anyone that denies a victim that tries to reach out to people who are helping that victim is the devil.

I know your pain, we are all in such pain more or less.

I have no problem working, but I do have a huge problem with people I work with. The females at work are unsatisfied religious housewives who seem to think they can nose around in my private life and make abusive suggestions towards my private life.
The guys at my other workplace are the biggest loosers anyone will ever meet. Many of them sleep around with the women at work and they try to force me into their immoral ways, horrific.

They are miserable in their lives and they try everything to affect me. They do not like that I do the right things, they even attempt to force these looser guys onto me. They have already messed up their own lives it is absolutely pity full.
They do not like it that I am enjoying myself physically and mentally (yep, you see that right, absolute strangers that seem to think they can tell me that their looser ways of sleeping around with other loosers is the correct way to behave). They think of the most ridiculous lies to do this. They hate the fact that I am much smarter, that I am protecting myself, would never ever physically get involved with anything that is dangerous to me, would always value my body and only let someone really special love me the way I deserve.

The hate they throw against me every day for these correct decisions is atrocious. I do not have any sexual diseases, because I save myself for the right person. I would never be as dumb as them, they are all struck down with a huge array of STD's, have so many kids they hate, and seem to think they have any place in my private life.

No problem with my work but these people are complete loosers.

 

[GrayOwl]

How'd things go today?
Are you doing okay?

 

[fattyZ]

I've been through this, it's a dark road. All I can say is there were people around me who brought me back and now I'm better. I would tell any of you that are suffering this much to try and go on disability? It's hard because in itself it's a kind of trap but I understand how hard it is for you to have people expecting you to be normal.

If you have cPTSD or PTSD your not.

I am better like I said but I am not able to do very much and really I never have been. I still have hope I will continue to function on an ever increasing level but if this is all I get it'll just have to be good enough.

 

[eloc]

I stoppedwork 4 years ago because I could not do it anymore - my trauma was work related so I got two years on income support + treatment where I constantly tried to get back to work like activity- even without that I think I would have had to leave. I still can't go back and its a whole career and basically any interaction with people - but at least my family stuff is level - sometimes you have to just leave and stay left-- now life is very simple family and exercise.sometimes I think the mental people are working and the sane ones are the ones who know they can't or shouldn't do it anymore- whatever the remaifications

 

[Punky143]

Or should I say at work. My boss- a male is very shovanistic, applies rules to some, and runs the unit as a dictatorship. I'm taken advantage of and being told to do thinks inappropriately. Yes, I need a new job. But for now, my angry part has taken over and it won't be good.

 

[GrayOwl]

Hi Punky143.
I was checking in after many weeks of limited contact , surgery, and recovery.
I thought I'd say "hi !!" and see how you were doing.
I hope things are going better in your world today.
Mine has gotten better in some ways - and I am focusing on that, not my fears and insecurities. At this moment. That changes from time to time but mostly I'm staying mindful of the positive. I sleep better. And feel better.
So "Hi ! Hi ! ", cheery helloes from oleGrayOwl.
I hope your today goes well.

 

[Punky143]

How nice, thank you. My world is in chaos mode right now. I have a very low toleranice being around others. Even those who love me. I'm being triggered at work and being made to do things that I am not qualified nor paid to do. A coworker is trying to convince my boss she wants dictatorship over me and that isn't going over well and, the angry part comes out. But the younger one is also around listening and feeling what the angry one demands of her and tells her. It's a sad lonely confusing place to be. My stomach has been in knots and rarely do I talk much. Paranoid. Guarded. Bored. Abandoned. Worthless. Stupid. Intimidated. Vindictive. Immature. No ability to focus on anything. Used. Two indirect coworkers proved not to be trustworthy and it's so disappointing for people like me. It's back to feeling so far gone and tortured by the insider's. Sorry I'm not more upbeat. I feel- too much.