I Can't Believe I've Let This Become My Life

[Maxi]

I've had one of those weeks. Therapy really triggered me and so I've had a week full of flashbacks, dissociation and the many ocd rituals which dominate my life. Things have calmed down somewhat and so I've had some time to reflect on where I am. Even though I don't agree with the way people treated me in the past, I am responsible for letting their behaviour dominate my life. They probably do not remember me. I probably do not cross their minds. Yet here I am completely immobilised by what they did to me.

I realised the other day that I hardly smile anymore. I used to be bubbly and talkative, but now most people describe me as serious and a bit of a control freak and my social skills are shockingly poor now. I don't recognise myself anymore. I'm stuck and I'm not sure where to go. Everyday is just full of self abuse and futile attempts to control my world and for 7 years I have tried and tried and tried, but I haven't budged. They don't even remember my name and I've let them take my life.

Sometimes I don't believe that this is trauma, because to admit that they've had any effect on me angers me, but on days like today I can't ignore, or deny the fact that I feel a part of me has been stolen. It's bizarre though, to think that the rest of the world can hurt you, just because a few people did. I feel pathetic for being affected. I don't admit that I have ptsd to anyone. I'm ashamed that I've let it control me. I've trapped myself in a cage of avoidance and I'm starting to doubt that even my therapist can help me get out. I've created this life I now live and only I can change it. I hate the fact that this will most likely effect me for the rest if my life. I hate the fact that I've been fighting this for 7 years with so little progress. I've set a thousand goals and I'm still nowhere near meeting them. Everyone else is moving on with their lives and I have been trapped for the last 7 years failing repeatedly.

Sorry, this is just a rant. Perhaps I should start a journal on here. Just needed to get it out. It's been a tough week.

 

[garden]

I hear your frustration and anguish. I understand how it feels to be stuck year after year. I know what it's like to realize that you've been robbed of so much. I wish there was something that I could say to offer you comfort, but I'm at a loss. So much of what you describe is very familiar.

Yet here I am completely immobilised by what they did to me.

Many of us here know this feeling first hand, myself included.

I guess I just wanted you to know that I read your thread, I understand, and that you're not alone. You need to rant sometimes...I hope that it gave you some release.

 

[KimV]

When I say things like "...letting their behaviour dominate my life..." my therapist stops and asks me. "Did you really choose to let their behavior dominate your life?"

There are things that we can control and things we cannot. How trauma changes us is one of the "nots." It happens without us even knowing about it.

I understand your anger; I've been there. Don't get hung up on trying to assign blame; focus on solutions. DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) has helped me tremendously. I did that for a year, and now I am doing EMDR treatments and it's been very productive.

Also.............practice self-compassion. You are worth it.

 

[Maxi]

Thanks for your responses, I just really needed to get it off of my chest. It's weird, but sometimes it feels as if it has been my choice. I had a better day yesterday and am seeing T soon so will be able to off load on her and refocus back on solutions. Thank you, I definitely need to work on self compassion and T always emphasises it. I plan on trying out some self-compassion meditations tomorrow; if I can so easily give it to others, I should be able to give it to myself. x