I can't find the line...

[EveHarrington]

I don't know how to figure out how to find the line between HEALTHY pushing myself forward and knowing when it's OK to say hey I need a time out.

I struggle with this because in my brain I think that I'm a failure if I'm not always pushing myself forward.

I know that running from stress/triggers/whatever isn't good in general, but neither is pushing yourself to do whatever normal non-PTSD people can do, at all costs. (Please no discussion on the definition of normal as this is not the point of contention and would be off topic IMHO.)

I feel stupid saying this.

So anyway I had my first day of the program today. I'm fine with everyone but one girl has this cackle laugh and she laughs at the top of her lungs at anything/everything. Drives me nuts as certain sounds just send me over the edge. Like young children. So I end up dissociated which says a lot considering that dissociation visits me once in a blue moon. My problem is that I felt like I had to force myself to stay in group while becoming more and more dissociated, because I had to push forward at all costs. Yes, I was using my skills to ground myself or at least try to. I left the second group early and was able to ground myself, but had an episode when I came home. On the one hand I know I can't run away, on the other hand subjecting myself to this doesn't do me any good as I can't focus in the group and don't get anything out of it anyway.

I know, stupid. All because I can't stand certain sounds as they send me over the edge. Blah. I want to go hide in the closet and never come out. Or go live in the woods like Ted Kaczynski. (Of course without the bombing people part.)

 

[Muttly]

Finding the line can be really hard. I wonder, if there is something other than must stay at all costs and can't go at all? Is there a facilitator/counselor of the group you can talk to and get suggestions? What about trying again, to see if the one girl's laugh settles down. Maybe she had first day jitters? If you do give it a try, give yourself an escape plan?

 

[Deadman]

Hi, @EveHarrington. Are you in a daily or residential group at the moment? If so now is the time to push yourself.

subjecting myself to this doesn't do me any good

It's your first day. It's a little soon to be deciding it's not working.

 

[EveHarrington]

Finding the line can be really hard. I wonder, if there is something other than must stay at all costs a...

She's been there a long time already. I kind of got the impression that she was in the "big man on campus" role....KWIM?

I'm allowed to choose my groups and I can leave groups if I wish. Others leave and the facilitators understand that not everyone can handle the whole length of group. A HUGE change from my last hospitalization where you were forced to not only attend all groups, but to participate as well. (I flunked in that front.)

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi, @EveHarrington. Are you in a daily or residential group at the moment? If so now...

Hi, you misunderstand me.

 

[Muttly]

By the way, I forgot to say, I don't think it's stupid.

And I think I might not have fully understood what you were getting at. So your question is about staying in the group this girl is in, not the program as a whole?

I certainly think time-outs are ok. Especially if you are dissociating so badly you are getting nothing out of it. Are there other ways you are pushing yourself in this program?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I know, stupid

Not at all. I am struggling horribly with sound. I recently learned this has a name: Hyperacusis. I googled this and how to fix it due to my completely coming unglued on my dad. Now that he isnt here its a non-issue but, in any case, its a "thing" common with PTSD. I found several threads on here about it as well.

Knowing that line is hard for me as well. So much so that I only know I pushed myself too hard due to my body shutting down. Which is what happens when I am too overwhelmed and I cannot stop it. I've been working on feeling out my body more. Finding early signs then practicing on listening to them. This has taken a huge amount of time and I am no where near ok at it at the moment but it is getting better. I am feeling it now and thinking how to spread out all the tasks I need to do thus keeping my body out of shut down mode.

But I think the question I would ask is what happens just before you disocisssate? What do you feel? Or what don't you feel? There are some early signs that you are most likely missing or not listening to. Then, after you find them, can you practice learning to know when you feel/don't feel them and go take a time out to collect yourself? 5 mins? More? Practice naming what you feel just before. How do you feel different?

I think you are incrediablly hard on yourself in my opinion. You ARE moving foward. The stress cup would go good here. Just because PTSD makes our cups fill up faster doesn't mean we aren't moving foward.

 

[EveHarrington]

By the way, I forgot to say, I don't think it's stupid.

And I think I might not have fully understood...

I'm questioning if it's OK to cut myself some slack and take a time out from a group if I need it. I already beat myself up enough for not pushing myself 24/7. Forcing myself to suffer through a group with a cackle hen isn't doing me any good right now.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I'm questioning if it's OK to cut myself some slack and take a time out from a group if I need it...

Yes. You can leave the group. Maybe try a different one or use cackle hen for a type of gradual exposure therapy. But just the description of her increased my anxiety!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm questioning if it's OK to cut myself some slack and take a time out from a group if I need it

Yep, its totally ok to cut yourself some slack and take time out of the group.

Maybe try a different one or use cackle hen for a type of gradual exposure therapy.

I agree. Maybe small doses at a time will eventually make the crackling hen not bothersome.

But either way, totally ok to take a break from the group.

 

[Muttly]

I agree, I think it's ok to take a break from the group

 

[EveHarrington]

I decided to quit.

I couldn't even make it through ONE day without having a bad episode.

I just ask that I don't get any "I told you so!!!" responses as I don't need that right now.