I confronted my abusive asshole sperm donor

[EveHarrington]

Many long years ago when I was a young teenager (13 to be exact), when my father was trying to dra...

Hugs.

 

[Lost Marbles]

May you find peace as you journey forward as I found that carrying hatred was more toxic to me than my years of healing the memories from his heinous acts. We are more than what was done to us...so much more

I gave up the hatred a long time ago, it was literally eating a hole in my stomach. But the anger and pain remains.

 

[EveHarrington]

@EveHarrington have you discussed no contact with your T? It is an accept...

I haven’t used the exact term “no contact”, but I have said numerous times that I want nothing to do with my father, I don’t want to ever see him again, I don’t want him in my life at all. I thought I was being pretty clear. I guess not?

My intent is to never see him again. I know I will at some point, so when I do, my goal is to not speak to him.

I just get tired of people telling me that he cares in his own way, or he just can’t show me that he cares. Really? If THAT is love, shoot me now cuz life really has no meaning. If you can’t show someone love in one of the five love languages, you are a useless human being who should just dig a hole, jump in, and cover yourself up. Don’t give me this “he just doesn’t know how to show you that he cares” crap. I’m not buying it!

Sorry.

End of vent. Lol.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@EveHarrington :roflmao: laughing with you and nodding vigorously :hug:

 

[Lost Marbles]

@JadesJewel I'm sorry you had a similar experience, I'm sorry anybody has to suffer the abuses of one or more caregivers. I offer you a hug in return and I offer the whole world a hug to help heal the pain.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Thanks @Lost Marbles:hug:! And @EveHarrington I'm not buying either the...he just can't...or he cares in his own...WT? No!

And I still have the seething underlying rage/anger deep inside of me regarding all of the sociopathic "caregivers" (my trauma diary is only a thimbleful of the extreme abuse I've suffered and the bio-sister knows all of it)...and I may have this rage until I draw my last breath.

It (rage) most definitely (where I'm now at in my PTSD recovery journey) beats h*ll out of my former cutting, over-eating, smoking/toking, drinking, dependence/codependence, sexing (for sex sake), and extreme S/I 24/7, etc!

And walking now...through this rage...I still have this newfound peace...thanks to EMDR Therapy and coming off a bunch of mind-altering and mindbending drugs for the misdiagnosed medical illness, and for the anxiety, paranoia, and numbed state that I used to be enveloped and caged in. Not anymore.

And I do not feel at this time that this rage my mind, body, and soul are experiencing is my unwillingness to not "let go" of their past atrocities they'd inflicted upon me and my sister. We are all at different places in our PTSD recovery journies...and this is where I am at now.

I will not lie to my self about this rage deep within me. For I was in denial for decades...and am out now. And I am able to experience, cultivate, and share happiness, gratitude, love, radical acceptance, coping skills, etc. I am continuing to grow and metamorphose (transition). Yay!

For I was shut down for decades...trying to take my self outta here! And now I am NOT! Paradigm shift! Metamorphoses!

And I will not now (ONLY ME HERE, no haters) deny my self the freedom...yes for me it is freedom to finally be allowed to freaking feel anything except the razor blades slicing and dicing into my precious flesh as before.

And now in the present tense...in my here and now, I finally have the opportunity to FINALLY feel my rage/anger for all of the horrific near-fatal atrocities inflicted upon my innocent little self.

And by using the term "little" here is not just necessarily about my age at the time of (in totality) all of the abuse...each and every (all-encompassing) abusive trauma.

It is more about my being my being fully up and out of denial re: all of the trauma. And now currently fully focusing and learning now how to try and love my self and head-on acknowledging (through the Trauma Timeline) that the "caregivers" nearly destroyed me.

And how they all STOPPED my emotional, mental, social, intimate relational growth decades ago! They killed my spirit! My soul...my very core being and now I'm resurrecting all of me!

I've too many fractured shards of extreme traumatic remembrances to perhaps ever forgive them. No. Too many.

F*ck 'em all! For they extremely harmed me nearly...TO DEATH! And I'm discovering now that the rage/anger that I at times still continue to experience, feel, and this process is a h*ll of a lot healthier (I did NOT say HEALTHY) motivation (than S/I) for me to finally learn how to love and care for my self.

And this is where I'm at now. I will now allow my self to finally feel my emotions...I never had emotions! I have them now! Boom-sha-ka-laka-laka-Boom!

I loathe the pedofiles, child-molesters, rapists, physical and mental, and emotional abusers/torturers who nearly caused me to take my own life. I HATE THEM...and I am one who will NEVER forgive 'em. No. That act of "letting go" of the anger/rage, etc. would not release me from their bondage.

Intensive therapy and EMDR Therapy and finding my inner strength to now finally take full control of my life...that is how I am now breaking free from them all!

I am mentally/emotionally/physically free from them all...yet yes I do have the residual rage...and I am processing this...I loathe them all! And I don't give a flying flip about 'em! May they all rot in H*ll! Ranting...done now.