I Cut Myself.

[Panda Bear]

I'm I going to get into trouble for posting this??

I feel nothing, it doesn't hurt. But I don't hurt anywhere, I feel nothing. It seems surreal.

This past week has been unbearable, I'm being swallowed hole.

 

[Bloomy]

Is it your first time? Sounds like it. Ive done this. Not cause of what the clichee of self cutting says that you want to punish your self or remove the pain or whatever, but to check if I could feel somethig or not. I find this to happen when the inner pain is to great and I become emotionally numb.

I hope you find a way out for something better. Take well care.

 

[Fadeaway]

I don't think you are going to get in trouble for cutting yourself. I have done. I think it was brave of you to post. It sounds like your actions have you a bit freaked out. It is ok. Stress hormones can adrenaline and cortisol can affect your ability to feel.

 

[sun seeker]

Was that what you were looking for, to feel nothing? That's actually a pretty common reason when what you're feeling is way too overwhelming.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard week. I don't see why you would get in trouble for posting this though, it isn't against any rules.

Keep that cut clean, and what can you do now to help yourself feel better? Do you want to tell us about your week, or would something soothing and distracting be better?

 

[Panda Bear]

I sat in therapy yesterday and don't say more than few dozen words. Stared out the window and just kept myself checked out. T tried so hard to be gentle and loving. Kept telling me he was concerned and tried our usual antics to get me to even look at him and snap out of it. He questioned my safety....

I feel nothing. It's all too much for me. I want out and away, I want to disappear and I'm succeeding. Why is this happening, progress was being made, this was the year. I'm all of a sudden not calm and okay.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that I hurt myself. I couldn't do that to him, disappoint him, hurt him, so I just kept quiet and checked out. He's going to be mad at me!

Going back again today, I sent him a text yesterday admitting to hurting my arm this week. I feel so ashamed. All I could tell him was "I'm sorry"

 

[Bloomy]

Panda - I cant tell you not to be ashamed cause you own your own feelings. I hope do youll learn to see do that at the moment it was the best you managed to do. I wish you could tell your self you are sorry for hurting your self and not the T.
Its so hard to come over the inital first feelings of utter shame and hopelessness. Please be gentile with yourself.

 

[Joan]

I understand your feelings that T will be mad or disappointed, your feelings of shame. I can tell you my experience. I held onto that fear of telling...it just created more pain, once I told-my T was more than understanding and explained to me why and "of course" you did that. It was so much better than I ever thought and to not carry it alone.
Be kind to yourself. ...to your soul.

 

[Panda Bear]

I'm afraid of getting into trouble. Despite my trauma and heavy work, I've always been somewhat stable. A few hick-ups over the years, one caused by a bad medication choice that left me really suicidal. I've had thoughts of hurting myself or wanting to die, but ive never taken them this far before. He's always handled them well, calmly and never creating more shame. But what if this is enough to make him really angry with me. What if he really does get frustrated with me? I've cased him a lot of frustration over the years.....and now I've been this stupid.

When I look at what I've done....all I can think of is other place on my body thst I can repeat it. :cry:

 

[sun seeker]

I think he's more likely to be concerned than angry. He's there to help, and I can guarantee this isn't the first time he's worked with someone who self-harms. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt on that one. He's also undoubtedly worked with people who have setbacks along the way. That's part of being human. Those of us who have been abused have a higher than average degree of perfectionism and anxiety that people won't love us anymore if we make one mistake. Because in the past that's all it's taken for people to turn against us. I strongly doubt your therapist is one of those, but I understand how scary it can be to take that risk.

When I look at what I've done....all I can think of is other place on my body thst I can repeat it.

Which tells me that you need help with this. Maybe your stress cup is just too full and you need help finding better coping skills.

 

[Bloomy]

I wonder if you grew up in circumstances where people would get angry or upset or even violent when you told them things since you seem to think your T will be. You describe your T as a gentle, caring and loving person and therefor there is no real reason it seems that T will get upset. Or is it that you your self will get upset? As Sun seeker says it seems your cup is full and you are in need of unloading.

 

[sun seeker]

The other thing that came to mind as I read your worrying about him getting mad... is it possible that part of you feels that by getting mad he would be expressing that he cares? Is anger mixed up with caring in your experience? Or is it someone noticing how much you are suffering that you are looking for? Since he hasn't noticed yet (because you weren't able to tell him) do you feel like you need to repeat it to see if he'll notice next time?

I could be reading too much into this, but it wouldn't be too unusual if you did feel this way. In which case, I reiterate that you need to tell him. Both what you did and, as far as you can figure, why, and that you are wanting to do it again. All this will tell him things. He's there to help, but you need to let him.

 

[sun seeker]

p.s. And I say all that with concern and not a hint of judgement. I totally understand feeling as desperate as you are expressing, and not having skills to cope with it. It's just, as far as I can see, the help is right there waiting, so I'm urging you to move towards it.