I Cut Myself.

[Panda Bear]

I wonder if you grew up in circumstances where people would get angry or upset or even violent when you told them things since you seem to think your T will be.

This is exactly the problem!! Not only did I receive anger, physical violence and such, when telling things, but I was also made to be "sorry" for what I had done that wasn't really wrong in the first place. I was also made to be sorry for causing upset to to my mother because of my actions. Even though my actions weren't wrong. If she was upset, I was to be sorry for causing the upset. I'm sorry for the possibility of upsetting T. Even though he says that "we are okay!"

I made mistake and I'm terrified he will be angry with me and withhold or change the way he treats me. Or that he will decided that he doesn't like me. I feel the need to be sorry at the tiniest possibility that I have upset him.

I need to be perfect.

 

[Bloomy]

Yes thats exactly it Panda. Now you got the key to work this out I think. I also grew up with somewhat similar mother. It seems we end being sorry for existing and taken up place ie the need for saying sorry even do your feelings are legit?

I think to dare to experiement with and challenge them with a safe T like yours seems to be is an exellent possibility for you to adress a behaviour you have thats not workin out for you.

I hope youll do and Im cheering for you :)

If you want it would be nice with an update on how your progress and process Panda.

 

[Panda Bear]

@Bloomy

My appointment yesterday went really well. T was not angry at all and was very calm, patient and loving. He was sad that I felt the need to hurt myself in order to feel better. He told me we were okay, and he wasn't leaving or going to 'punish me' for what I did. But we needed to understand how I got to the point of hurting myself so that we could solve the issue. We talked about it not happening again and he only wants me to be safe and happy. The hurting was a sideffect...he wants us to work through the problem.

I've been struggling with shutting down completely and that's where this happened. Total shut down. :cry:

So, he helped me back up and recognize at what points in my life where disappearing or checking out happened in order for me to be safe. When I was small and used to be helpless to what was happening to me. He asked me how I felt at the current time, and I've been struggling with feeling small and helpless. Angry at my feelings of sadness and at my parents for hurting me. I've been stuck with that small child feeling and I just let it rule and run amok. Giving up on keeping control of my dissisociation.

We ran those scenarios through a short burst of EMDR, the helpless times. The times where I was checked out for safety. Protection. There isn't a need for me to check out, I am safe now.

The EMDR helps, a lot. Painful as it may be at the time, it helps. He helped me through it and even though I got stuck for a bit in the past and he needed to pull me out, we made it out together. Lots of time to calm me down and make sure I was present again and safe. Safe to go home and safe to stay present and not get stuck in the past. Keeping my body safe too....I don't have the desire to hurt myself and it feels good to be here in the now.

T is amazing and filled with grace. He told me I was a miracle and every week he is blown away by what I can do. He's constantly amazed at where we started at and where we are now. Hurting myself is a hick-up, but we don't need it to take control. Together, we'll keep working and it'll only get better.

He prayed when were done and gave me a hug.

I feel good today.

 

[Bloomy]

Great Panda - so glad for this update and your beautiful progress.

Also it gives me an insight to how a constructive T can be like. I all the more understand that I dont understand why I hold on to my T. She wasnt capable of saying nor doing any of this the time I self cut.

Im glad you have such a caring constructive and helpful T - you deserve it Panda.

 

[Joan]

So glad that you were able to share and able to experience his caring response.

 

[Panda Bear]

I think I'm pretty fortunate to have him as a T. As are his other patients, I hope!

He never, ever seems thrown by what I tell him, or situations that we face each week. No matter what it is(and I've got a lot to share!!) he handles it calmly and with such amazing grace and love. This incident could have been much worse and if he had blown up or mishandled it, it likely would have been worse for me and we wouldn't have gotten anywhere.

I'm always thankful that over the many years that we've managed to forge the relationship that we have. Makes all the difference in the world.

 

[Iamsensative]

So happy for you Panda. It will all come together, it can be a roller-coaster but you have support during the lows. Your T us on the boards, yes i have hurt myself during confusing times. But it gets easier, you become more aware. Sending you beautiful thiughts, much strength and happiness ❤