I Desperately Need Advice...

[Mad]

Hey,

Has anyone tried EMDR?

My story is that my parents had a "messy" divorce. I was 8 when they split up and my sister was 10. My dad is a sociopathic narcissist and when my parents split, he focused his rage on my mom. Pretty much he began brainwashing my sister and I to pretty extreme levels. He was trying to convince us our mom was poisoning our food, listening in on our phone calls, sleeping with strange men in her car, even tried to make me believe she was sexually interested in me and lots more. He would sit us down for hours at a time and lecture us on how evil our mom was and everything that we did wrong. He had my sisters and my court ordered therapy sessions scheduled on his days so he could talk to our therapists after each session... I never knew what was said during those times, but it created a lot of distrust towards therapists. He had us sleeping in his office building on his weekends while he had a mansion with his new wife in a different state. He did so much mental manipulation that even now I have memory gaps and even 3 very real memories of a single situation.

My sister was his favorite. For people who may not know, narcissists tend to pick a child to groom and reject the others. I got heaps of rejection and even had me write a letter telling them I was a bad child and a liar and to only listen to my sister- all because I asked the court assigned guardian ad litem for equal time with both parents...

Anyways, I ended up having to take him to court when I was 12 in an attempt to get the psychological abuse to stop. I fully cut him out of my life at 13, but each year like clock work he will find a way to attack me, my mom and sister. For the last 12 years he has sued us, and even attempted to have my moms lawyer banned from practicing. I absolutely believe he will try to kill my mom some day.

I'm now 25 and I was diagnosed with PTSD and an anxiety disorder when I was 15. I have tried regular therapy, DBT therapy, medicine, but nothing has worked. My anxiety is so high that I have a panic attack every time I think about going out in public. My self worth was completely alter by him and I only feel worth something if what I accomplish is perfect. I am incapable of feeling loved. At this point I'm not even living my life, I'm just surviving day-to-day.

So, has anyone tried EMDR? Because I'm scheduled to try it, but the idea of having someone mess with my head is beyond terrifying and past what I can handle. I need to know if it is worth it...

 

[GrayOwl]

I have not tried Emdr.
I don't know as I would be a candidate for it.
There are some here who may be experienced and qualified to guide you. I hope some of them will find your post and comment.
There is so much healing and support that goes on within this website and community, I hope you will participate and share in it.
I have extensive dealing also with a brutal narcissist. I offer my sincerest condolences and hopes for healing.
There are healing paths and you can find them. Be patient with yourself. It takes time, but life can become meaningful and worthwhile if you believe. Please do.
My best wishes.
Gray Owl

 

[Eagle3]

I have done EMDR, but had difficulty grounding so we had to take a break. As a general rule, EMDR is not recommended for multiple traumas or traumas that extend for long periods of time. I have both, so even though there was improvement, my T and I have to find a different way of using EMDR. Also, before beginning EMDR, make SURE you have some good consistent grounding tools and techniques. Its vital to the process. Research the mess out of your therapist, because EMDR is great in experienced hands, but can be detrimental in unqualified hands.

Good luck, and I hope you find some healing and peace here, even if just the tiniest amount. Anything is something to build on :)

 

[Suzetig]

One thing that is going to get in the way of any therapy is that you're not in a place of safety physically or psychologically. For as long as he's still in your life and able to continue his psychological abuse of you, you can't process and heal from your trauma.

Any therapist should be working with you towards safety first, helping you figure out how to remove yourself from his circle of influence and keep yourself safe. Until then, all they can do is help you cope with the impact of his behaviour because you're not safe enough for trauma work.

 

[Dan28]

I have tried EMDR and it does help. Cons are it can take a session or two to establish your "base" and if you don't actually remember the trauma it complicates parts of it (I don't remember huge gaps of my childhood due to abuse).

My advice (and it is only my opinion mixed with what works for me. I just had intense anxiety like you described especially in public) is to try self-expression techniques like art, poetry, painting, music, anything that helps you get to know yourself while coping. I read the book "The Tao of Inner Peace" based on the Tao Te Ching and it helps me a ton in terms of self-acceptance and changing my mindset. I'd recommend it for your situation because I was also emotionally scarred by my step-father and suffered for a great while from self-esteem and identity issues. Look inward first, then outward.

"Measuring success
By others' words
Creates anxiety.
What you desire
And what you fear
Are within yourself."
Tao Te Ching

"The wisest person
Trusts the process,
Without seeking to control;
Takes everything as it comes,
Lives not to achieve or possess,
But simply to be
All he or she can be
In harmony with all."
Tao Te Ching

 

[Freedomfighter]

Hey,

Has anyone tried EMDR?

My story is that my parents had a "messy" divorce. I was 8 when they split u...

EMDR can cause a lot of anxiety but it can also resolve a lot of the past trauma.

Guess what? I am that sister, just from a different family. My father a sadistic narcissist groomed me just like you describe in your own family. Was sexually abused and then groomed by this monster. My brother was treated just like you. Even when he was very small I can recall my dad complaining about him, how lazy he was, not smart...... and so on.

But guess what? I caught onto this monster and have cut all ties with him. Me, the girl he wanted, me the woman he wanted to be close to him for whatever sick reason..... It is still sickening to think about it, but I managed to get away and stay away forever. He brainwashed my little brother so much that he began to stick up for my dad. That was the beginning of the end and I pretty much cut ties with my brother too. I will not spend my whole life attempting to convince others what monsters some people are. Because these monsters are so convincingly nice to others and conniving there would be no use trying to convince people they are in contact with. They are such good liars that it would be an absolute waste of my time to prove their lies. I have better and much much more important, and yes exciting things to do with my life.

 

[GrayOwl]

Congratulations Freedomfighter.
Your post is one of great encouragement.
Thank you so much for your words.
It sounds so much like you not only understand the situation and problem, but you have endorsed the healing process and have a life today with positive direction.
So hard to do. And so hard to escape the clutches of anger and resentment that hold us back and bind us to lives of inner turmoil.
Thank you again and prayers and wishes as you continue along your healing journey.
May we all find our way toward these gifts and serenity.