I Don't Feel As Though I Belong, And Yet Here I Am

[Akita]

I was going to make a thread about my own experiences however I didn't know where to put it because it doesn't really deal with trauma as I have yet to remember it aside from a few fragments. But then while browsing I read the thread about self-diagnosis and it makes me want to crawl back into a hole. It reminded me that I don't actually have a diagnosis and with that in mind I should probably shut up....

It also reminds me that I need to tell my therapist about these things (because I value his insight) but I can't. I just can't. I usually tell him things by writing because it's a lot easier for me to tell him by writing it down then by actually talking to him because talking is so much harder and it makes me freeze up. He is the best therapist I've had since I was a little kid and I still can't tell him. I tried it once, writing down just the teeniest little hints in my journal because it was really hard and that's all I could do. But then a few days later it was driving me so crazy I scribbled it out.

 

[Waga]

Hi Girls,

I see that I have similar problem to you Akita and Pixie - search for truth and no distortion allowed. I grew up as a child of cops and interrogation techniques were used on me since I could speak. Nothing else was acceptable but truth. So I was found guilty of lying even when I didn't, I just couldn't remember exactly the stream of events in the exact order.

As a child with a vivid imagination it was hard for me to differentiate between actual events and my perception, but I had to learn it very early in life. So I always doubt myself and my memory, I ask myself million questions to validate that what I remember is as it was. Not trusting myself made me to feel crazy.

I also learnt to strip my memories of emotions, because they introduce a lot of distortions. As a final result my memories were artificial and I couldn't understand why I have anxities and I am stressed over silly situations. This was also a proof to me that there is something wrong with me, obviously I am nuts.

Now I understand that the fact that your brain (consciousness) chooses to accept different memory than your own perception doesn't mean that your body accepts it either. This true memory is hidden in your subconsciousness and attacking you until it gets accepted.

For me to deal with this issue was to accept that everyone has right to have own perceptions and that absolute truth doesn't exist. I had to learn to trust my own instincts and gut feelings. It helps, makes me feel less confused, because now it is clearer too me what I want.

I had to learn that there is nothing wrong to have hurt feelings and being emotional even if it sometimes means being not very rational. I think that my own perceptions and emotions create my unique identity and my personality, and I have to learn to accept it and give people a chance to know me.

I hope I didn’t go too far and put you to sleep with my lengthy explanation why I felt nuts too :-)

Akita, I am not sure if what I wrote is useful to you at all, because everyone's case is different. But maybe you'll find something in my story that you can apply to yourself.