I don't know how to "do" relationships

[EveHarrington]

I think I misinterpreted what you were saying in your first post.

About expectations. We all have th...

I'm really confused as to why you bring up expectations then? Can you please explain?

 

[Neverthesame]

Before I write more, may I ask for confirmation that I understand what you are wondering. Just so I don't accidentally come off as patronising or further off topic?

You are wondering at what point does the average person without PTSD, feel the sufferer's symptomatic behavior crosses the threshold from seeing/living with their PTSD partner's symptoms as eccentric/interesting/empathy-enducing/tolerable but aggravating/frustrating/bothersome/intolerable?

Also how can the sufferer gauge this, so they can pull out of the relationship before causing their partner undue grief?

Is this closer to what you are asking Eve?

 

[ms spock]

Yes, I confess, I don't know how to "do" relationships.

I am ashamed to be as old as I am (30's) and not have a clue about relationships. It's really embarrassing.

PS if you can't tell, I'm having urges to run like f*cking hell.

I relate to what you are talking about.

I don't know if what I am thinking has any relevance to you, but what I am thinking, is that no one really has it together - it is a constant negotiation of you and the other person being who they are in this now and sometimes being vulnerable and talking to each other.

I am 48 and have no real idea about relationships either, so give yourself a break, and perhaps try some self compassion, or whatever works for you.

If this is not helpful, then please ignore.

 

[EveHarrington]

Before I write more, may I ask for confirmation that I understand what you are wondering. Just so...

No.

I am unsure where the line is between problems that are to be expected and worked through in the course of a relationship and those which mean the relationship is over, aka relationship killing problems.

Because in my mind, any/every problem is a reason to walk away and find someone who does/does not have said trait you are/are not looking for.

 

[deeplyloved]

Maybe abuse and untreated addiction are the only true relationship-killing problems? Because unicorns aren’t real. Whatever problem I’m trying to erase will be replaced at least equally by another problem. We are all fallible and we all make so many mistakes and have so many bad habits and quirks and wounds. Our primary relationships are often mirrors for our unreflected selves. If all parties are sincerely trying, then all parties grow.

 

[EveHarrington]

Maybe abuse and untreated addiction are the only true relationship-killing problems? Because unicor...

Thank you.

 

[anthony]

So here I am, at about 2.5 months in to my current relationship and I feel completely lost. Things have been going well. (Or have they? I can't tell.) Are the little (?) things that pop up here and there a reason to walk away? I don't know. I really don't know. Or are those things not so little? How much of my PTSD issues should I allow in the relationship before I admit I'm not ready to be in a relationship? (I have stayed away from serious relationships because I knew I wasn't healed enough and it would be cruel to put someone through that.)

I will give you my take, take it as you wish.

I think you might be surprised how healthy maybe you are looking at your relationships. You recognise the honeymoon period, it calms, you no longer feel the same. Instead of sticking with it in the hope things change, you get out.

Now... there is unhealthy and healthy aspects of this, depending on your thoughts on exit, why you exit for each relationship uniquely and then any pattern. If the pattern is purely you get out once the hype is over, healthy and unhealthy aspects. Are you being picky? Or are you being honest?

Every relationship has a honeymoon period. EVERY. No relationship continues with that initial buzz. Something Nicolette and I agreed upon from the get go was that we limit the honeymoon drama of the new relationship as much as possible. We're both experienced enough to know its not truely reflective of whether or not we would continue or not. It was a discussion from the get go. We still had one, but it was quite minimal compared to certainly my past relationships.

The thing is this... you know when you have the right person, when the little stuff actually doesn't matter. More so, when the little stuff you even find adorable, cute, loveable, etc. We all have our habits. We must all change a little within a relationship to appease the other. When one doesn't change their little, that can be an issue. If that is you... then you have an issue. If not, then no issue.

Realism combined with sensibility = good judgement within a new relationship.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Life is messy. And love does make you stupid. Chemistry is that it creates a mild depressive state initially, lulling. Rest of the story is life. Prior relationships if they involve children is a web that has to be reconciled with respect and trust intact for the past relationships and the new. Trust and respect can not be faked. Liars are good at that, narcissists excellent.

PTSD had so many layers to work through. The WHY? Could I have dodged it? How does it impact my current relationships? DV, SA, CSA being shot at while walking your dog by a total stranger. What to trust? Self blaming, shame when I can feel open a little make me hide and run. Not again.

 

[Cyberluddite]

I can appreciate the struggle, @EveHarrington . Relationships are challenging enough for people who don't have PTSD, and they're no easier when only one person in the relationship has PTSD. Try both people, and you'll start seeing what I'm having to adjust to. It's not for the faint of heart, and it requires a lot of patience (and positive mindfulness exercises).

One of the things I had to realize first is that what you may consider "normal", and what someone else considers "normal", are two vastly different things. There is nothing wrong with your sense of "normal", any more than mine, or anyone else's, really. Grandpa Simpson once complained in an old episode, "I used to be 'with it', and then they changed what 'it' was. And now I have no idea what 'it' is, and it's scary!"

It's okay to be scared, Eve. It means you're paying attention to what's going on. But one of the things that regularly gets us into messes (especially in relationships) is when we over-think the situation we're in, because we're not used to it. I'm not very good at relationships, and quite frankly I'm still clueless as to how they're supposed to work (and I'm a few years older than you.) That's not to say I've never had a good relationship in my life... it's just that the few that were good, genuine partners, I felt like running because I wasn't used to being treated like a human being.

I was so used to being abused, and treated like a sex object with an ATM card, that I couldn't trust someone who treated me kindly -- because I always wondered in the back of my mind when they'd stop pretending. I sabotaged at least two good relationships that way, and it sucks. I sabotaged them because I was too scared of being something I was taught I wasn't: myself.

Again, what you are experiencing isn't unusual for PTSD survivors. As others have mentioned, I don't know your past so I can't say "oh, just do this and get over it." There is not such thing as "get over it", and I hate that phrase. We don't "get over" anything, we work through it. Unfortunately, trust issues are something everyone (with or without PTSD), has to work through. Some people make the choice of putting the risk of getting hurt again at a higher value than continuing the cycle of abuse. Some people don't, and that's when the cycle of abuse is continued onto whomever one encounters.

Choices, gotta love em. Relationships aren't easy, they're not meant to be; that's why there isn't a how-to manual on them. Nothing worthwhile is ever going to be easy, and they're not without a little bit of pain that provides us with the opportunity for growth. My best friend from college, Dave, once gave me great advice: you must first become comfortable with being alone, only then are you ready to be with anyone else.

Two months is pretty good, and I encourage you to work on keeping the communication lines open with your partner. I'm going on two years now, and it's the only reason the relationship's lasted as long as it has with a partner who also has abuse-related PTSD.

You may feel like you're going through hell... keep going. The only hell that's worse is allowing your fear of being who you are, sabotage a potentially great relationship. Good luck.

 

[Snowflakes]

@EveHarrington Nothing to add. Just want to thank you for starting this thread and sharing your thoughts. Also reading all the replies. This helps me to be a better person for my wife. :hug:

 

[richard_Grey_Area]

I can only speak from my experience which is different to yours.
It's like saying that a cat is similar to an elephant because they're both not birds.

What I want to talk to you about is tolerance, too little and too much. This has been something I have struggled with and I am still learning about it.
You know what an allergy is? it's not something you eat, touch, drink or breathe in making you sick, it's your body over-responding to something in the environment. You have built up an intolerance to something "normal" for whatever reason and this intolerance can get so bad that it kills you.

Just coming from my own experience, I think that problems I struggle with which what you write about reminds me of (I don't know if they are similar or not, but what you say reminds me of things I have struggled with) when people suffer trauma and abuse, especially for a prolonged amount of time or repeatedly, like something they can't get away from in their lives, then we build up intolerance to certain things. My ex used to go crazy when I did up the top button on my shirt, she said she couldn't breathe, it was because it reminded her of someone who would strangle her until she was unconscious and then rape her. Her intolerance might sound funny to someone who hasn't experienced anything traumatic, but I understood where she was coming from.
It's little things that people who haven't lived through anything particularly traumatic can't understand which really get under your skin and wear you down. In relationships it starts with "ha ha, you're crazy" and turns into "no, seriously, I suggest you get professional help, these little problems you have are not helping our relationship" and after hearing that enough times we tend to just cut our losses and quit while the going is good.
The opposite is where we don't want there to be anything "wrong with us" - we feel that if this relationship fails ("I've only met her/him 5 min. ago, but...") then we will have failed and our world will fall apart. Really, while our reasons for such desperation are totally different, it stems from a need for validation, and we end up being like scumbag guys who get into relationships just so they can boast about it to other scumbag guys. Like it is a major achievement to find someone who is actually prepared to put up with us. We will tolerate anything, just so we can feel that we haven't f**ked it up again. There are people who can sense this in us and they prey upon us for this reason.

I think that one of the big problems I have (I don't know about you) is knowing what is "enough" and what is "healthy" - for me it is often an extreme, too tolerant or too intolerant, too trusting or too mistrustful - the second one I really struggle with, I have problems trusting people even now.

And yes, someone mentioned expectations and you asked why (I think) -
well, yes, just for me, I have found that expectations are a bitch. I mean expectations of what a relationship is, what one should be, the expectation that I will be hurt or disappointed...

I can share something I told my brother and if you feel that any of it is applicable, maybe you can get something out of it, if not... I'm just being random and writing too much again.

You want to grow roses, but you have beach sand. What you are doing is you are going to the nursery, buying roses, sticking them in the sand and then getting upset that they die.
You've got to change this, you have to work on enriching the soil (= what you have to offer) roses are very difficult to grow, some people have the most amazing gardens but they still can't grow roses. Start off with daisies and sunflowers (=good friendships, healthy relationships), work at growing those instead if you can get that right you can still have a beautiful garden even if you never grow any roses in it. You have to start at ground level.

Like I said, if I had the answers, I'd have a happier life myself, and then maybe you wouldn't be completely crazy for taking anything I say seriously, but I am sharing my insights on what I understand to be a similar set of problems I have and if there is anything useful in this, I hope it benefits you.

Good luck and I hope you find the love you deserve soon.

 

[Akhos]

@EveHarrington - just sending you a hug at this time :hug: