Relationship I Don't Know How You Guys Do It

[Reclusive]

So, I'm a sufferer and carer and I've been with my fiance for 13 years or so (hard for me to remember, I've lost so many years). He's always been the one with problems, and I knew that he had severe depression and anxiety issues when I got in a relationship with him. He'd been my best friend for a year and we knew pretty much everything about each other.

Over the years he's steadily gotten worse. At first it was up and down, up and down, and I could deal with it, because I was still healthy mentally (or not, not really sure, I was stable - that works). Then he would have his midpoints and downs. Since he's sought treatment, he's gotten worse much more quickly. He started seeking treatment about a year before I had my breakdown and was diagnosed PTSD. He'd been diagnosed everything from BPD, DID, BPII, and now PTSD.

It's hard. He doesn't do anything around the house, he doesn't leave the house, he just plays video games all day. That's hard, but I can deal with that. But now he's so depressed, he can't even escape into his video games. He won't go to a hospital because he's been several times before and they've only ever made things worse. I just don't know how to help him. He wants to spend time with me but I have to work right now and can't just hang out. And I can't be his sole source of entertainment, either. I don't know what to do from here. I'm drowning in my own stress from having to work (it's temporary, it's temporary, it's temporary...) and I'm watching him wilt and wither away. What do I do? How do you guys deal with this stuff? How do I keep my brain from exploding from the frustration?

 

[Nicolette]

My first dealing with PTSD was the video games....... It was tough getting home as the games continued and I just felt alone. I started with a boundary. You can play games all day if you want but when I get home they need to stop and we need to take an interest in each other.

I found as other stressors disappeared the isolation of video games decreased but sometimes were disguised by hours watching TV. I made it my business to have 'some attention' and worked from there.

As for your stress, you have to get your own help, don't try to be anything to him other than a normal fiance.

I think it's good to pick one minor easy thing he is doing which is driving you crazy and ask him to change it.Explain simply why it annoys you, why it's a reasonable request for him to change and how you want him to change. Then give it a week to sink in and see if any progress is made.

It is normal to get worse more quickly while undergoing treatment so in that aspect you need to cut him some slack.

Maybe start out by initiating change: walking in the door after work, be happy, say hi and give him a kiss hello then go about your normal stuff without giving off resentful vibes (easier said than done).

Don't know if any of the above will help but they are just some ideas I can think of while dying to get some sleep.

Good luck Reclusive.

 

[Reclusive]

Well, we try to spend a couple hours before going to bed watching Hulu together. We like crime, psychological, medical kinda shows and frequently pause to have discussions about the shows. Highly interactive. But he's been waking up at 6 am so going to bed before I stop working. I don't leave the house, I'm an agoraphobe, and usually I'm not working, since I'm on disability.

He doesn't annoy me so much as it breaks my heart when he's so depressed and just sitting there on the couch staring at the blank TV and I can't distract him with anything. I don't know what to do when that happens. :(

I'm glad to be reminded that treatment makes things worse before they get better - I'll remind him of that, too. That might help make him feel better.

And get yourself some sleep. I can wait until morning. I've got all night.... :P

 

[amethist]

I sometimes wish that all supporters could do what I do, maybe not the right thing to do in some eyes, but for us it can make a difference.

OK we have been together for almost 11 years and almost 4 of those with PTSD, so maybe that is where some of what I do stems from. Plus he does trust me to get it right, when times are bad.

If it gets to the stage where hubby is not ill, but just has a total lack of motivation, and is avoiding everything, there have been times when I have let the volcano explode. Big time explosions have occurred a few times in the past, wrong I know, but it did release some pressure from my head, and shook him into looking at what he was, or should I say not doing.

Then he talks to his community support, where occasionally he has had, shall we say a constructive rollicking. Basically his support backing me for what I said, which now works better than it did.

I also now ask him to do something for me, while I am busy. Maybe bring the vacuum up or down stairs for me, put the washing in the washer when I throw it down stairs, polish a mirror while I dust a table. Anything, instead of letting him sit and watch me, while I run around like a headless chicken.

This is after 2 years of therapy, and it is still a struggle at times, and yes it was hard for the first few therapy sessions. A lot of hurt and anger came out then, and still does occasionally, though never aimed at me now.

I am not saying you, or anyone else should try it this way, but if you can make any small changes, as Nicolette said, then it is a start.

Slowly over time, things lost because of PTSD are starting to come back. Like talking for hours about everything and nothing, missing TV programs because of this. Making small gestures to show he does care, and does love me, even if it just winding me up because he now can again, as he used to do.

It takes time Reclusive, very upsetting and frustrating to watch, but it can get better, once they can see the therapy, information and tools given, do work.

Take care.

Amethist

 

[Reclusive]

See, I don't think he's even tried the tools and information out yet... Like his t suggested journaling and he's scared to - he thinks it'll open the floodgates. I think he's too scared to let the therapy work, really. He did tell me the other day that he doesn't trust his t enough to be comfortable talking about uncomfortable stuff and that just talking every week builds that relationship more so he'll be able to. So maybe I just have to be patient. All I want to do is fix everything for him - not even for me, just for him! I can deal on my own.