I Don't Know What Happened

[onebravegirl]

Hi Pixie
I am not one for letting sympathy over run wellness, so let me just say what I think is important.

I know it can feel very daunting to think about how much further you have to go, but saying "sorry " and making :stupid: signs about your taking a teddy bear is not going to help you.

Stop kicking yourself! Your job is to show yourself the kindness that all those injuries from your past are begging for. "SHOULDING" (I should do this or I should have done that) on yourself will only scare all those little ones inside you. You are the adult now and its your job to start showing them that they are not responsible.

I know you are hurting and afraid but at some point you are going to have to get up and be the Hero. No one else can do it for you. It doesn't happen all at once. For now just entertain the possibility of wellness, let that light at the end of the tunnel start to come into view! How?
The T will help you see that light. Keep letting us know about your struggles, we are all here to help, but try not to beat your self up! Baby steps Pixie, its all about Baby steps.:Hug_emoticon:
O

 

[Pixie]

Anni, eyebiter, Gina and O... thank you all very much for your thoughtful response here.

I am feeling better about everything but in saying that, all of this stuff now just seem trivial and I find myself very disconnected to how it felt at the time. I'm really not sure what to make of this. My feelings and views etc seem to change on me constantly which is so frustrating. I feel so... inconsistent within myself. One minute I'll feel "terrified" and the next thing I know, I'm responding to another post as if I feel fine and don't remember the "terror" of the moment before etc...

Been thinking a lot about this but that is for another time and post...

O... thank you so much for your words and you are so very right! Saying those things only invalidates the littles I guess and if I am to work with them then that is not going to help. So let me say this... they asked me to take the big cow pillow in place of the little one, and I honored that and took it. I am not sorry for taking it with me, I did what I had to do to help us feel as safe as possible. :smile:

Wow... that felt kind of... good...

:Hug_emoticon:

Pixie

 

[onebravegirl]

Pixie, when a little bird first learns to stretch out its wings and get ready for flight, it feels a little weird for them too. Your stretching new wings.
"Wings of new understandings". Enjoy the newness of the experiences and new thoughts you are having. Your growing!:clap:
O

 

[NarcSis]

To be totally honest with you - it was actually my T that suggested I bring something with me to therapy, a tool to aid me to distract during dissociative phases or just to be there to provide me the comfort I needed during those phases. Don't be ashamed of Teddy! We all need teddy in some form or another. I have one to sleep with, it doesn't make me any less of a person - just think, there are other adult non-sufferers out there who hug a teddy when they need to.

Feeling off kilter after tough sessions is also normal, your emotions are on topsy turvy mode, you're mind can't make hide nor hair of what its just been doing, its trying to protect itself. Perfectly normal. You are perfectly normal. You don't want to suffer and so you will act to protect yourself from that hurt - just like everyone else. Its called coping and you seem to be doing a good job, however frustrating.

Calling yourself crazy...it doesn't feel normal does it? "Only a crazy person could act this way!!!" Well, welcome to PTSD - everything you are experiencing is a perfectly normal progression for healing trauma, it is NOT crazy, it is by no means abnormal. Its just not anything you are used to. Plain and simple. Keep reminding yourself of this.

You are doing fine. You will be fine. Allow yourself to heal, don't fight it.

 

[eyebiter]

Why on look at the time when you aren't terrified as YOU ARE FEELING BETTER and the times you are terrified is ok, caus you will be feeling better shortly. We just have to retrain the brain...as I sit here from 5:30 am until I have to go to work at 9:00 because I can't sleep LOL

 

[seaworthy]

Pixie and all who have replied. Just following this thread is helping me get through my denial of my c-ptsd and DID and that such is a real thing and that my days and how I get through then is different than the 'un-Traumatized' person.

I am committed to knowing the truth about my life and myself, what's been done to me and how it's affected me.

seaworthy

seaworthy

 

[canucklady]

I Can Relate

Hi Pixie, just wanted to say as I read the original post, I could have written it myself. Had to check the name to make sure I didn't write it. :)

It helps to know that I am not the only one that does this. I don't have DID, but I do dissociate alot in therapy. Last week something triggered me, and next thing I know am in parking lot sort of shaking. I will have to ask doctor what happened, not quite sure. Sometimes it does feel like craziness.

Hang in there. Maybe in sharing our experiences we can figure out a way help one another.

 

[onebravegirl]

Robin Williams - the known actor and comedian defines crazy as " repeating the same action over and over and expecting a different result"
No ones crazy here.
One definition of eccentric is " To deviate from a circular path".
I am Definitely eccentric.
O

 

[anni]

Hi-

We're all so different and yet the same. I see it here in this forum all the time. The connecting thread is this need to reach out and to heal and perhaps to be able to reach out in someone else's healing. It's always touching to watch.

My great-grandmother, my Nana, who is kind of a symbol of my childhood when ( in my life ) all adults were trustworthy, noone hit or betrayed me and I was always safe, gave me a Teddy Bear for Christmas the year I was 7. I found the thread-bare thing in a box around 2 decades ago. He sat on my bedstand for a night, then I gave up being an adult and squished him in my arms for I-don't-know how many nights since. He has to be composed largely of salt at this point, from all the crying I've done into the poor thing. He's mostly on the nightstand these days, but if I'm having a tough time again, my husband is amused but sympathetic to see old Teddy sharing the bed with us. I'm 51, but don't really care how silly it sounds. I've worked dam hard at recovering from this horrible PTSD, am still working, and if I indulge myself in the darkness by soaking in a little of my childhood via my ragged old bear I think all it is is having found a simple tool which just plain makes me feel better.

Sorry to mention just a tiny portion of your post when you're struggling with so much! When you're in the kind of pain I KNOW you're in, every little bit helps in moving forward, which you are so clearly determined to do!

Take care, hope you're feeling better!

Anni

 

[Pixie]

the bears make us feel safe