I Don't Know What I Am ... Ptsd And/or Bipolar - But I Can't Go On Like This.

[MT Johnny]

Am about my breaking point - where I am so stressed out that every little thing seems like a mountain to climb.

I know I have CPTSD from childhood - growing up with a violently abusive father does that. That was magnified in 2012 when I went to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me in 5 minutes based on her intake form as bipolar - which completely devastated me.

I have been stuck in a perpetual hypervigilent fugue since then doing everything imaginable to "fix it" - to escape from a serious mental health diagnosis and have a clean medical record.

I don't know if that makes sense to a lot of people - but it does to me - it comes from 1) background/culture of a rigid WASP upper middle class family that does NOT "believe in" mental illness as a "real" thing; instead, I was always taught that mental illness was a cop out used by malingerers to get out of work and responsibility and a sign of sinfulness. 2). Because of my profession (legal field) I deal often with mental health law issues, and the thought that I could be in the same legal and medical predicament as I have seen so many times with clients scares the sh** out of me - and also makes a big part of me feel like some kind of collaborator for "doing things" to the afflicted that make them suffer more (involuntary hospitalizations, guardianships, etc, quite often against their wishes as my firm is representing the family and not them) AND WORST, TAKE AWAY THEIR RIGHTS. That is a big thing for me - I CANNOT be in a medical-legal position where someone can lock me up and take away my legal capacity.

I got into all of this just wanting help for chronic depression - I have always been functional but very unhappy - and all I was seeking was a prescription or two and a little counseling - and it all blew up in my face into my own personal 9/11 as I call it - attack out of the blue followed by the never ending war against it.

I have thrown every resource I have at this thing for 2 1/2 years - a big quest to be the poster boy for mental health, hard work, and clean living - and it is still here.

I have lived a big lie and cover up worthy of Nixon for 2 1/2 years trying to project to everyone how "not crazy" I am - which is more than enough just by itself to drive me crazy.

I just can't go on like this - I am at every breaking point - physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially.

I feel like I can't live this lie anymore, but if I "come out of the closet" my life is over - family will disown me, career and professional reputation over.

What to do? Off myself - death before dishonor? Just say F it, I'm crazy, deal with it people and fight for my rights?

What to do?

 

[Friday]

1) A 5 minute diagnosis is crap. Not worth the paper it's printed on.

1.5) Especially with Bipolar Disorder, as it has a sister-disorder (ADHD) which can be so difficult to differentiate between the two with some people that often the only way to get the correct diagnosis of the two is to trial meds. Generally a mild stimulant, as a stimulant will "only" cause a mania if the person is indeed bipolar, which is easy to rectify and rarely dangerous... But bipolar meds cause severe psychosis in ADHD people, and are always dangerous.

2) In the past 2.5 years have you sought out a proper diagnosis? (Several hours of psych testing at a minimum, coupled with a complete medical work up to rule out physiological causes).

3) Your medical diagnosis are no one else's business, unless you make it their business (either by attempting to hurt yourself, someone else, or disclosing).

4) I know a great many people in the legal field with psychiatric disorders. Including, as it happens, a bipolar appellate court judge (distant relative, and my family has no boundaries). While you may be dead in the black as to your family's reaction... As to being drummed out of law? You're catastrophizing. The vast majority of people with bipolar disorder are never at any risk of having legal action taken against them, for the simple reason that they never present cause. You're leaping to the absolute worst case scenario; in both directions. Fighting for rights you have not had violated, nor reasonable supposition that they would be... Before, it sounds, even being properly diagnosed. Much less having attempted to harm yourself or anyone else.

 

[ms spock]

How about slow down and just take one step at a time. You don't have to lie to everyone and you don't have to tell everyone the truth either. This is black and white thinking or all or nothing thinking, depending on your point of view, and is not really that helpful. I know I have engaged in a lot of it. Anthony suggests a book called "Feeling Good" by David B Burns, it is really good. That might be something to focus on for a bit. There is also "The Mindful Way Through Depression" and I have that in my media file. [DLMURL]https://www.myptsd.com/c/albums/the-mindful-way-through-depression-full-youtube.802/[/DLMURL] I listen to it to counter my depressive thinking. Find some things that are soothing for you. There are also the meditations on http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/ at http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/instant_mindfulness.html

Your job is triggering your other stuff. That is hard. But you don't have to make all your decisions today. I feel for you.

Do you exercise?
Are you able to ground yourself?
Do you have a good mental health professional?

What are the positives in your life? What is your support network like? Do you have access to a dog that you can walk?

You don't have to tell people your mental health diagnosis - you can wait until the terror and fear are not so bad. Slow down, read the forums, there are many caring people here, some you will gel with and you will learn from.

Take care and slow down, you are not one of your client's family members - you are you - and it will take time to work this all out so less is more right now.

Your amgydala is on full alert (totally crappy space to be in) you need to discharge all that cortisol. Do you have any awareness of the PTSD/Complex Trauma pathways?

 

[rightkindofme]

I have PTSD and I have at times had different doctors/psychs tell me that they think I have Bipolar. When I get to trauma specialists they listen to me and say, "No--it's clearly not Bipolar. You only trigger off of things that remind you of traumas. You just have more traumas than average so you cycle more often than average."

If one person gives you a diagnosis that bothers you, that doesn't mean the diagnosis is accurate or real. If it is, there are lots of treatment options available. Hiding from your mental health problems won't help you and it won't make them go away.

I'm really picky about what mental health professionals I will work with at this point in time. I do really intense phone screens before I will waste my time meeting people in person. I have dozens of questions I ask.

When you go to hire a therapist you are looking for a service provider who must have a personality you can work with. Be SUPER picky. Never take the first person as your only option. It's bad juju. Don't go into it with a desperate mindset because inappropriate therapists can mess you up for life.

You need to know who you want to be and how you want to heal before you go into therapy because you will have to tell the shrink how to help you heal. Everyone wants to be different. Shrinks don't have all the answers but they are very good at helping you figure out how to navigate a path once you have chosen it for yourself.

Good luck. Welcome to the forum.

 

[Born to Run]

You know what, it does not matter what the label is, anyone in the past put on you. The fact is that you are chronically depressed, and feel unhappy about life. That is your inner truth, and that is the most important to stay connected with. It is important that you see a professional, who can diagnose you properly, and that you find the appropriate therapy to heal yourself. You write that you know that you have cptsd; is this self-diagnosed? Chronic depression can be a symptom of ptsd. If you have ptsd it will take a bit more than a presciption or two and a little counseling to get over it.
Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. Take care.

 

[shimmerz]

That was magnified in 2012 when I went to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me in 5 minutes based on her intake form as bipolar

Go find yourself a real trauma trained therapist. I, as well was told I was once diagnosed by a keener newly invested mental health idiot. She diagnosed bipolar because of my reaction to SSRI's. Many other doctors have nixed that diagnosis. I know I am not bipolar (not that there is anything wrong with that - unless they start feeding you drugs based on the erroneous fact that you are bipolar).

Family is a treat when it comes to this stuff. Never a problem to throw the sensitive of the abusive family under the bus in case it tarnishes their 'good family veneer'. You may find you may need to lose them along your healing path. May I suggest that rather than focusing on the horrors of all of this, seek to find the truth of your life to get to healthy. Labels...maybe helpful maybe not...but incorrect labels are always bad. Find someone who can properly diagnose you and continue on with life the best you can without some 5 minute diagnosis leading the way for you.

 

[GWhizz]

Quite frankly, you are neither. You're a human. You may have ptsd or bipolar but it doesn't define you. I get the whole stigma though - my extended family also see mental health as an excuse for life.

Whatever your diagnosis, you seem to be doing amazingly well to have gotten to this point in your life. Like all the previous posts, I'd recommend a 2nd opinion and formal thorough diagnosis. Ptsd is commonly confused with other disorders too and also carries an increased risk of comorbid disorders such as depression and anxiety. I was told I probably had bpd and to just 'accept' that my childhood caused it. Thing is, my moods etc were rational responses to triggers. I didn't just go off for no reason at all. A good doc/therapist will be able to differentiate.

 

[Seasounds]

I am at every breaking point - physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially....I feel like I can't live this lie anymore, but if I "come out of the closet" my life is over - family will disown me, career and professional reputation over....What to do?

i am so sorry that you had that bad experience. It happens, too often-for my comfort, in the first phase of contacting a Provider for a diagnosis.

Since you are getting terrific advice, feedback, and ideas, from the members above, I would add:

1. What will help immensely, to soothe your spiritual, physical, and emotional crisis, is to find an experienced (20 years at least), psychiatrist, who is in private practice-this affords the provider to be able to take time 1-3 visits, combing your reporting with their experience of you, to arrive at a reasonable diagnosis. You get to have input on your diagnosis; you can deny, agree, or ask for more time A lot of people need help to relax into 'who they demonstrate they are'. I did. For this reason (good diagnosis and follow-up visits), make sure, for the first month that the provider can see you weekly! (No hospital-system, once a month appointments at first.)
2. Over a two to three week search period, I found my wonderful psychiatrist by calling the local hospitals and universities and getting their out-patient referral list. One by one, I called all twenty private practice psychiatrists (most of who do not have a receptionist) to see: a. who took my insurance, b. if they worked on my days off, and c. to get a sense if we (my personality and theirs) worked well together, as demonstrated through our phone call (eliminated rude Providers). After eliminating the candidates from the list above, I had 3 candidates to visit. I waited 3 weeks ( had to coordinate my time and his) to see my favorite on the list. He worked out so well, that I didn't need to see any body else.
3. The good-enough psychiatrist will have the experience to make an accurate diagnosis , and they will Be CALMING, due to their relaxed presence. Your emotional, mental, and physical crisis will lessen.
4. Try to represent yourself in a manner that the provider can understand. Be aware of my mistake, during an old first visit that I had, years ago, with a different provider, so you don't make the same mistake. With only 20 minutes of an a free consultation, to fit everything in, I spoke really fast, (mis-representing myself) and divulged way too much trauma (she didn't need all the details) in too short of time. I believe that, due to my manic speech pattern, and exuberant emotional expression (had gestalt and drama therapy), she rejected me, because she didn't want to work with anyone she may have WRONGLY assumed had an emotional condition that was too overwhelming for her-who knows-CPTSD, Bipolar, GAD, etc. Retrospectively, even though it was hard for me, good for her to reject me, if she wasn't comfortable with me.
5. The good enough psychiatrist will hear your plea (legal pun), and will be able to negotiate financial cost, if you don't have insurance. I know this to be the case, with a friend.
6. Speaking as calmly and clearly as you can, and of course, all fhe while, being yourself helps in another regard; your provider will not get anxious themselves, can understand you, and they can get a more accurate picture of you, and make a more exact diagnosis.
7. From my experience, I know very high functioning and successful people with bipolar disorder and PTSD. You don't need to tell anyone, your diagnosis. So no family rejection. Job and career can remain intact.
8. If you worry that your confidentiality is at all at risk take actions with upper management (head of organization-really) as well as a direct discussion with head HR themselves (one who doesn't process claims). An example of this is a friend with Bipolar Disorder, who works at university hospital, that is self-insured. She is afraid of HR, (with whom she interfaces, and where her claims will be processed), of finding out her diagnosis.

Good luck!

 

[MT Johnny]

Thanks everyone - a lot of comforting stuff there.

Yes, I've seen several doctors and psychologists. Yes, I have one of each now. I see the MD periodically. I see the trauma therapist twice a week.

It was actually a prior therapist about 5 months into this thing, in late 2012, who said "you're not bipolar, you have ptsd" - which was the Dx the current MD came to after (doing it right this time, yeah!) spending a total of about 4-5 hours interviewing me.

I know they overlap so much in symptoms - this current bout of depression is so deep it makes me wonder - I have had some periods of hope in the past two and a half years, but mostly despair. Most of the time I think "bipolar, you've got to be kidding me" - just when I get this depressed I think about offing myself all the time I wonder.

For the record, if I were/am bipolar it is strictly one way, down - I have never had anything in my life, ever, that resembled mania or even hypo mania - I most resemble Eeyore with the perpetual black cloud over my head. So I guess it's not really bipolar anyway.

And after totally shattering my world, just before I told her off and said never contact me again, I asked that initial diagnosis psychiatrist on what basis she pronounced me bipolar - her answer was that it was among the most "reimbursable" MH diagnoses by Blue Cross. Forever on my record so she could get paid more. Nice. Little wonder I want to off myself.

I have tried so many things to "fix it" in 2 1/2 years - various doctors, therapists, alternative medicine, hypnosis, massage, guided imagery, dieticians, personal trainers - a couple hundred grand out of pocket at least.

It's all still here.

The structural problems underlying the whole thing, which were what I wanted to fix in the first place, are still there - family, career, self esteem, stress, whatever.

I barely sleep, I don't eat well, I rely on caffeine in vast amounts, I work out excessively, and I have no one close to me in my life who ever said it's ok to be me even if I am crazy. The people who should be there for me are more worried about how this would reflect on them than how I feel or am doing.

 

[shimmerz]

The people who should be there for me are more worried about how this would reflect on them than how I feel or am doing.

Uhhh huh. Been there, done that. Threw the t-shirt away. Sad though, isn't it?

 

[Born to Run]

Since how long are you seeing the trauma therapist? What trauma method(s) is your therapist trained in? I think if this is a professional, this is the most likely place, where you can get the support you need to work through trauma. You don't fix trauma; it takes hard work, perseverance and a willingness to confront yourself with all that overwhelming pain you suffered as a child. It will take several years, depending on the severity of the impact of the trauma you suffered. I get the feeling that you are somehow not aware of what cptsd really is about. If that were the case, get more into the topic, i.e. by reading more about it and also participating on this forum would certainly be helpful.

 

[Friday]

So you've proven it's a misdiagnosis. Repeatedly. Then it's not your diagnosis. Ipso facto, ridiculously easy to prove in court should it ever progress that far. Could someone try? Sure. People can take just about anyone to court for any reason. You know this. But it has as much medical validity as if you were diagnosed pregnant / there was a mixup in your chart & labs!so if someone ever tried to take you to court over a proven misdiagnosis? That damages their credibility, right? It's bad faith, yes?

And there is no reason on planet earth you should feel obligated to share a MISdiagnosis. Even a real diagnosis still has medical confidentiality attached. You have to volunteer that info. I can see the struggle over whether or not to disclose real information. But I'm confused as to why you'd be struggling over sharing false information?

Leaving it in your medical record is your right, actually. It proves medical mistake or incompetence, if not malpractice. It says nothing about "you" / is a black mark on the doctors record, not yours.