I Don't Know What I Am ... Ptsd And/or Bipolar - But I Can't Go On Like This.

[ms spock]

I work out excessively, and I have no one close to me in my life who ever said it's ok to be me even if I am crazy.

I actually think that this is something that you need to do for yourself. No one can give you the support and back up that you need, except yourself. This is hard to accept when you have missed out on so much and are struggling so hard.

The people who should be there for me are more worried about how this would reflect on them than how I feel or am doing.

And this is rather insensitive, but ultimately so human and flawed human at that. Remember you are catastrophizing at just about everything in your life at the moment. Notice how long it takes for you to accept your own self and situation, cut people a bit of slack, obviously you are competent and capable and they also lean on you. People don't always have a Brady Bunch reaction or response. They get it wrong, they say insensitive things, before you write people off ground and stabilise yourself. You are most likely missing the support that is there for you in your life - and people are talking about your life and your issues so there is some small support there, which you cannot see because of how reactive and terrified you are at the moment. I so relate to the terror and the reactivity and the fear. You need to learn how to breath again and regulate your emotions, and that is going to take time.

 

[joeylittle]

it was among the most "reimbursable" MH diagnoses by Blue Cross. Forever on my record so she could get paid more. Nice. Little wonder I want to off myself.

No. What she meant was, you would be able to get reimbursed for the most things through insurance, since bipolar has such a wide ranging symptom set.

I'm not defending how she diagnosed you - but I would really like you to understand what she was telling you, because you might hear it again someday. There are diagnostic codes that allow for certain kinds of treatment to be covered. mental health is notorious in many insurance plans for not being adequately covered. She was explaining that you would be eligible for more and different kinds of medication.

I have three diagnoses: major depression, generalized anxiety, and PTSD. Major depression is the one I am most medicated for; but the anxiety diagnosis has allowed for expanded reimbursable costs in terms of therapy and meds.

Now, back to the bigger issue: folks are right. Try and take a deep breath. Medical records are private for a reason. Also, no mental health diagnosis is automatically followed by career damage. if it was, an awful lot of us here would be unemployed.

Let go of the labels. Keep working on your symptoms. One foot in front of the other.

 

[MT Johnny]

The depths of tne depression I am in right now is one reason I still wonder in my mind whether I have more/other than just PTSD. I have shut down all but absolutely mecessary functions because I can't deal with them.
What got me in trouble In 2012 was admitting suicidal thoughts to that first doctor, and at that time it scared me to feel that way.

Now I think about suicide a lot and it doesn't scare me, it seems like a way to find peace - and that probably should scare me.

 

[ktsd]

Hi there. I know the feelings of deep despair. I have multiple traumas over years and triggers that have recreated more situations and incidents resulting in retraumatisation. I am pretty sure my brain has significantly changed... I had major depressive episodes before, like you, but now, after some violent and terrifying experiences I have rage. You are doing much better than you think. I've been unable to hold down a job after things really started to go downhill in my mid thirties. I am 38 and live at my mums house with no real hope right now for being independent. I've had so many diagnoses and misdiagnoses thrown about... Cptsd seems the most likely but essentially all these conditions are a combination of nature nurture mind biology and a very often difficult, unnatural and stressful social environment. I haven't started yet but am dedicating myself to psychotherapy and really want to try EMDR as that sounds really effective for those subconscious issues that us who ideate about suicide and catastrophise seem to have. I want to try and have a life before it is too late. A bit rambling but I just wanted to say I know how you feel but also that to hold down a job and independence is a hugely impressive achievement when suffering like this. Although, do not let it exhaust you beyond repair. When I lost everything it wasn't as bad as you'd think