I Don't Know What To Do Anymore.

[squirrelygirl]

I'm so fed up with dealing with my PTSD and whatever other mental illnesses my doctors like to slap on me because they all keep changing the anxiety and depression and bipolar and whatnot. Right now I've given up on my antidepressants because they don't help at all, no matter what the dosage is. I don't think they work for me at all.

I'm a second year engineering student in college... and I had the realization last night that I will never know what my college experience would've been if I wasn't raped. He did it the first week of my first semester here. That's what colors my world here. And I don't mean actively thinking "I was raped/he raped me" but it's just the smallest things that have a huge affect.

I have a really hard time with schoolwork. I can't focus on anything. I had one good semester but at this point it's pretty obvious I'm a bad student because I can never focus and just try to pull through. My GPA is around a 2.8 with the majority of my grades being C/C+/B-... I've only gotten two As at this school, one in Calc 2 and another in a one-credit programming course. I feel like I haven't learned anything because I'm too terrified to talk in class. I don't feel comfortable speaking up. I'm afraid to go to office hours because I feel like my professors will think I'm stupid, but I don't know what to do if I can't focus on the reading or homework enough to understand it. I can't focus in class either, but I want to learn. It's like all my anxieties are attacking me and I CAN'T do it.

I don't trust the administration. I don't trust my dean of students. He's made remarks that kind of make it seem like he thinks I'm just lazy. I don't trust my department. I had a mentor when I was on academic probation, but I think she kind of feels like I'm supposed to be beyond this whole "floundering" thing. I haven't made faculty connections for the most part either. Except for one, a professor (same department, different major) who offered me research. I don't understand it, and I took a huge step by setting up an appointment with him to discuss it. It wasn't bad, but I didn't know an equation that I should know at this point. THIS is why I don't talk to my professors. I can't let them know how stupid I am and how much I haven't learned. I'd rather just take the bad grade because I'm already ashamed of myself enough as it is. It's so ridiculously embarrassing.

My lack of focus has gotten so bad that it's hard to finish pretty much anything. I can't read or finish tasks for the most part, no matter how badly I want to. I used to be the type of girl who could read a book in one sitting. Now it's a miracle if I get past two pages. I spend a lot of time on reddit, or just jumping from one task to the next, and never really getting anything done.

I kind of had a huge breaking point today. I felt so worthless and stupid that I skipped all my classes. I just didn't see the point. I don't want to be around anyone today. I'm bound by so many obligations between classes and appointments and sorority life and research that I feel like I never have a day to myself. It's like I'm constantly rushing around and telling myself I can "breathe later" but later never comes. I don't know what to do anymore or how to fix my life so that I can at least FOCUS on things and get things done!!!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Have you considered taking time off in order to heal? School is very stressful and if you're not in the right place mentally, it is a waste of both time and money if you're not getting anything out of it.

I'm pretty sure that every school in the USA has a disabilities department, or at least an advisor or two as its mandated by law that schools provide accommodations for those with disabilities. I strongly recommend that you get in contact with them to see how they can help you.

My diagnosis is PTSD and my educational plan states that I'm allowed such things as time and a half for exams in the testing center among other things. There's a long list of accommodations that you can request as long as your diagnosis and doctor recommendation fits with the request.

And most instructors are understanding. My plan doesn't state that I'm allowed to come early/leave late/take a break whenever I want, but my instructors know I'm dealing with an anxiety issue so if I walk out if the middle of class for a time out it's because I'm anxious and stepping away helps me calm down and refocus.

I know it is tough. I know it's embarrassing to admit to these issues. But the alternative is that you'll barely end up squeaking through with mediocre grades and not much knowledge to take into the job world.

The best thing I did was get the support I needed it order to not just survive, but dare I say thrive? My advisor is impressed that I'm doing so well in my classes this semester. I'm still a long way from being fully functional in other aspects of my life, but it feels good to know that I can do well at school again.

 

[squirrelygirl]

If I take time off in order to heal, I have to go home which is a verbally/emotionally abusive environment. Not an option. I have nowhere else to go, no money to support myself, I don't think I'm competent enough to hold any sort of job. I feel trapped as far as options.

I already have time and a half for exams and reduced distraction testing environment. I don't get the option of having professors email me lecture slides or notes, or excuse for absences, since the dean of students said I just can't miss class all the time.

I don't know who to talk to as far as an advisor goes. I don't even have enough therapy. I can only go through the school's counselling service for an appointment every other week, plus meds, but I'm not doing well at all. I can't get more appointments than six per semester. I also can't get other outpatient services since they aren't covered by insurance unless it's emergency. I already went to emergency psychiatric my freshman year. I'm not well enough to function but not bad off enough to get the care I need.

And I have so little faith in myself at this point that I don't even care about my grades anymore. It's just one giant anxiety bubble that I just don't even have the energy. I already know I'm stupid so I can't care enough to get legitimately upset that I failed a test or that I can't focus. I earned it and I deserve what I'm getting.

 

[Delta62]

Squirrely, I would take time off to heal. Can you stay with a friend or another family member until things come through for you? If you need to, finish out the semester as best as you ca, stay with someone else, and take care of yourself. Remember, you are worth something and your health comes first before college. I've been in your shoes and have my own problems I am dealing with, trust me.

 

[squirrelygirl]

That's not an option. "Time off to heal" would involve my parents making me get a job and take up classes so I'd be "doing something with my time"... just like I'm doing here, and look how well that's doing me. There are no other options for me to live besides home.

 

[Away From The Sun]

If nothing else and there were no other options, I focused on the "future" and kept thinking about how much money I was wasting if I didn't do well.

Sometimes, you just got to force yourself no matter what.

I had to cut other obligations just to focus.

 

[squirrelygirl]

Focusing on how much money and time I'm wasting is just adding to my stress.

How is that second comment at all "helpful?" Saying, "Well, you just have to force yourself to do it" seems like typical misled advice that doesn't help and quite honestly frustrates most PTSD survivors.

Cutting other obligations and credit hours hasn't done much either.

 

[Away From The Sun]

I mean that's how I had to "rationalize" it for myself. If you honestly have no other options, all you can do is your best... until other options open up. PTSD is it and itself not an excuse to not try.

 

[Don't trip]

Squirrely,

You have options, it's a matter of CHOICE. What I mean by that is, you COULD go home. Do your parents understand the gravity of your PTSD? Have you sat down with them and told them how you feel and what you think is best to do for YOU? I'm a mother of six and sometimes, my kids just expect that I'm a mind reader and know how they think and feel, but I've had to remind them that the status quo applies unless they tell me DIFFERENTLY. People don't know how this affects you until you tell them. Period.

Secondly, I couldn't make it through college and I was on my way to a Master's in Psychology. I was a 4.0 student and very bright, but my PTSD was so severe by the time I left, ignored for so long, I developed physical illness to go with it. I understand that if given your CHOICES here, school is the better option because then you're not at home in an abusive situation and the money from loans and grants helps you get by.

Perhaps the situation is more about overwhelm. I know you get less loans and grants for part time, but maybe this IS an option for you? Have you sought out an academic advisor to share what's going on with you? There are so many options available to you, but no one but you can make the choice to access them. You can sit all day and wonder what to do and the why's and where for's but that gets nothing done, causes you to spin and stress even more.

I hope you will choose to seek out others who may be of help to get you through this rough patch. :)