I Don't Know What To Do Or Even Think

[cherrysweets89]

I've been with my boyfriend since May, there was alot of dishonesty which I've managed to overcome, and we've grown very close, he's wonderfully kind, attentive, understanding, things would be perfect if not for one issue.

Right before we even started I made it very clear that I cannot be around someone that uses porn, it's tied into my ptsd and hurts me unimaginably. The dishonesty at the beginning was just that, but after he saw my reaction he said it wasn't necessary and he just needed that time to realise how satisfied he is with me.

To cut it short there has been the odd incident, finding magazines which he said were old and forgotten, I gave the benefit of the doubt, this was a couple of months ago. Now I see some liked pages on facebook, mostly funny pictures, but also alot of explicit content I'd rather not describe. Anyway I pointed out that if he avoids it in the media, when we go out, none of that has any meaning if he's just gonna go on pages we know are notorious for that content. He said he only goes on them pages for the funny pictures and if he blocks that page, there is no point in having a facebook. I reasoned that there are plenty of funny pages out there that don't rely on naked women for attention, it isn't detrimental. I'm just incredibly confused, I'm trying not to feel hurt but I have that lump in my throat that hurts to swallow and aches to breath past, my head is swimming that it's all happening again, I can't get out of bed for fear of being sick, I don't know whether I'm coming or going, what do I even think? I don't know what to do. I have that awful shrinking feeling that I'm helpless and don't matter.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't understand why you're trying to change him. Find a guy who isn't into porn if that's what you want. It's the same as anything else. Don't want to be with a guy who drinks? Don't dare a drinker. Don't want to be with a guy who does drugs? Don't date a guy who smokes pot. Don't like gambling? Don't date a guy who bets on the ponies. You went into this relationship thinking you could change him and now that you realize you can't, you're internalizing the issue and blaming yourself, saying that you don't matter because he won't change.

It's important to know what you can and can not accept in a relationship before going in. That means if someone engages in behavior that is unacceptable to you, then you leave. You don't demand that they change.

It's the same as if I dated someone who drank a lot. Oh wait, been there, and jumped ship after a month as he fed me lines about not doing it, etc. People don't change unless they want to change.

And yes, you're engaging in trauma reenactment. You couldn't "conquer" the porn related trauma before, so you're attempting to do it now with your boyfriend. It's failing so now you feel worthless all over again.

 

[cherrysweets89]

That's what I thought I was doing by making it clear what my boundaries are at the outset. Maybe I didn't explain properly, I was misled and didn't find out until we were serious, this was a problem he wanted to conquer regardless of our relationship. We have conquered them but the aversion (for both of us) is a strong confirmation. We both have aspergers and issues with how we've been treated in the past, he got defensive before I could explain the problem, which led to him fretting that I thought he'd gone back, and me feeling paranoid that a familiar pattern was occurring. We had a long talk just after I posted here, fraught at first but once we'd both calmed and put our points across we both realised we'd jumped the gun. He hadn't noticed the content I'd seen had on those pages, and didn't know I'd been feeling bad about it. I assumed he knew my point but was going ahead anyway in spite of my feelings. We both got our wires crossed, I'm relieved to say we talked it through and worked it out. Incredible how we can get so low from worry, then such swift relief.

 

[Momofthree]

Porn is closely tied into my PTSD too and I told my guy it was a deal breaker. I have a hand full of deal breakers, some are tied into my PTSD and some are just personal preferences but they are just that deal breakers. I find my guy looking at porn and he knows I'm gone, I find him cheating (which for me looking at porn is cheating) I'm gone, he hits me or throws anything at me or the wall around me I'm gone. If porn is a deal breaker for you then the deal is broken, time to leave. He was told by you that it was you or the porn and he chose the porn, you don't need that. There are plenty of men in the world who would choose you over porn don't waist your time with one who won't. You are worth more then that, you are valuable and deserve to have deal breakers even if they are ridiculous ones like (he has to love Dr. Who, Star Wars, Firefly, and Star Trek- which is one of my deal breakers because I'm a huge nerd and want a partner for life who is too.)

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I agree with @Solara : you mustn't try to change your boyfriend. It just doesn't work. Superficially, it might seem to work for a while, but it will create feelings of resentment between you both. And that is very dangerous for any relationship, because eventually it's going to implode.

However, I do agree with you that he should not have lied to you. If he promises you he will no longer watch porn, he should keep that promise. And if he feels he cannot, he should discuss that with you first. The lies and secrecy aren't helping anyone.

I guess it's time you both have a serious conversation about this. No blaming each other, but both expressing how you feel. Then it's up to you to decide if you want to continue this relationship and which goals are achievable for both of you. Would you be able to live with him watching porn if you are in no way confronted with it (so no more liking of explicit content on facebook either)? Or can he this time honestly promise not to watch or read any kind of porn?
You'll both have to find a way to compromise and, most importantly, stick to those terms you created together.

It's definitely a complicated thing and I wish you the best of luck with it all :hug:

 

[cherrysweets89]

Momofthree I would fully agree with what you're saying, but we had both misunderstood and it turned out he hadn't actually looked at anything, it was more the worry about the possibility, he'd only seen the first few innocent pictures and thought the page was safe. We both outlined at the start what's ok and what isn't, as we've both had bad past experiences and neither of us want to go down that road again.

Solara that is the one thing I asked to change because he wanted the same thing, if it wasn't the case I'd have let him be - I can't excuse the initial dishonesty but I can see why he did things the way he did, he wanted us to be together but hadn't conquered his problems yet. There are conditions we both must meet for this relationship to work, honesty being one of them, we both accept that if either of us want something outside of our agreement, let each other go first, being dumped would be heartbreaking, but not nearly as heartbreaking as having someone go behind your back while acting sweet and loving to you, then finding out.

He's not a bad guy, he helps me immensely and is understanding in spite of having problems of his own; we help each other. Marriage material in fact. I'd marry him tomorrow if he asked me, I've never felt like that about anybody before.

I feel privileged to have him in my life, even when our assertiveness clashes. If I didn't care about what he does I'd really question my care and commitment.