Sufferer I Don't Like Who I've Become

[Sally sue]

This is my first time on this site, and I'm looking for normalcy, I guess. I was diagnosed with ptsd almost 4 years ago after I preformed cpr on a 4 week old infant (who was resuscitated) and then 2 months later preformed cpr on a friend unsuccessfully :( I have been working with a great counselor, and have improved with emdr, BUT recently I've started hating who I've become! I don't want to be this person, anxious, afraid, always waiting for the next shoe to fall... I used to be so much more balanced!! My counselor says it's because I had an abusive childhood, and I never learned ways of being compassionate with myself or healthy ways to self-soothe...does anyone else feel this way? Will I ever be ME again?
Thanks for any responses :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that with hard work you can become "you" again. Healing isn't easy, but it is possible to become this person again. Trauma changes us, so you won't be *exactly* the same, but I think you can come close.

For the longest time I thought that confident, functional person I used to be was gone for good. I hadn't seen her in almost 16 years. I can finally see her again, which gives me much hope. I've been in treatment for 5 years now, so it has taken some time, and I still have much healing to do before I get to where I want to be.

Welcome.

 

[Sally sue]

Thank you, that gives me hope! I just feel so lost and so few people I know (okay, pretty much nobody) understands what's happening to me, and I've been told more than once that they miss the old Sally sue :(

 

[WhiteSwan]

It is definitely unsettling to not feel yourself.... I know what you mean in terms of feeling different. I guess my situation is different in that my trauma was many many years ago in my childhood but it was just before I was diagnosed with ptsd a few weeks ago as an adult that I recognised a huge change in myself. Like I'm viewing the world and everyone differently. I am scared that as I go through treatment I will change more and will that mean that I loose the world I have? Like my husband... My friends....

Perhaps it is worth seeking a new beginning - a stronger you - even than the you before ptsd... Grab on to all the good and work on the areas that need it and have faith that in time the real you that you want around will shine. It's more important to focus on what you want than what you fear (anon)

What a wonderful person you are :) thank you for sharing

I will be having emdr treatment eventually - did you find it worthwhile?

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I believe trauma does change us, especially when it (also) occure during childhood. But I also believe that everyone has a few "core traits that might get hidden throughout life, but never really disappear.

For example, as a young child I'd always be a leader in groups, making up new games and protecting the kids who got bullied. Having been bullied myself, anorexic and traumatised at the age of 18, I have turned into an anxious, suspicious little mess with no self-esteem whatsoever.

I've been lucky enough to get the right antidepressants very soon and to be in good therapy, so I'm slowly "rebuilding" myself. I'm a long way from being healed, but there is progress. Slowly I'm beginning to see my old trait of wanting to lead and protect re-emerge.

What I'm trying to say is that trauma hurts and destroys a lot of things, but that it is possible to get the core of who you are back. Those traits get hidden under the horror that is PTSD, but they never truly disappear. And I believe that with enough time, the right therapy and if necessary the right medication, you can get the core part of yourself back.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hey there Sally Sue -

For me what helps is working on remembering that I am changing moment by moment.

It is easy to label ourselves one way or another. Like a victim or a bad person or a depressed person. And then we believe those labels to be real. So real that we spend the rest of our lives dealing with a label we have or someone else has given us. But when we go looking for those labels, where are they?

Can we find "bad person" or "victim" or "PTSD sufferer" anywhere in our bodies?

Can we point to anything and say "Right there - that part of me is inherently a bad person or a victim."

These are simply labels that we choose to accept. But we are not inherently bad.

The traits that we develop as PTSD sufferers are not inherently real. We are not inherently anxious or fearful or angry.

These symptoms that combine in us to give us the diagnosis (read label) PTSD sufferer arise moment to moment and are not inherently part of who we are - as they arise we can recognize them and simply let them go.

At the same time, we can bring to mind our positive qualities or ones we want to develop and cultivate them.

For me, once I can feel myself becoming anxious, I can say to myself, I don't have to follow you or become attached to you and let it go. And then return my mind to cultivating peace in my mind instead.

I don't know if that helps you think about things any differently in realizing that who you've become can change and be more positive simply by not attaching ourselves to the negative parts of our diagnosis and instead continuing to identify and cultivate those postive parts of us that we know are beautiful and wonderful.

I hope you find those parts of yourself again - I have faith you will

Namaste - Laurie

 

[Philippa]

Nice to read the comments on here.

Yes, I went through the same thing a few years ago...and still sometimes do feel that way. Not liking the person I've become. I used to be fearless, and the opposite of needy and I guess it's like everyone says, you just have to work at it, day by day. Take one day at a time. I do notice that I have become far less meek and more assertive over the last 10 years, which I am very happy about. I don't take crap as much as I once did, and so in that way the person I have become is better than who I once was in certain ways...but in other ways not so much.

Hope you feel reassured. It would be hard to hear friends reminding you that you aren't the same person though. I don't know what I would say or do if it were me. I had no real friends when I was going through it...only housemates who all thought I was weird and had something "not quite right" about me and thought I was rejecting them, so they rejected me, which didn't help.

Self-acceptance is not easy when you are living with PTSD, because you are so aware of how much you've changed, and it can be sad and scary and unfamiliar. Essential oils, crystals like amethyst and rose quartz and regular baths and tea help me feel soothed.

 

[Sally sue]

Thank you so much to all of you!!! Laurie, you made me laugh when you said "Can we find "bad person" anywhere in our bodies?" The counselor is always pointing out that for me, everything comes back to that I am bad, and she just asked me where was the bad part inside me hahaha You helped me understand :)

I feel so much less alone, not like a freak in the world of non ptsd sufferers! Thank you to all!
White swan, I DO feel EMDR is so important and helpful, but it's awful too ha! The part to keep in mind is that images/feelings/emotions from ptsd are stuck in your active memory, like they're happening still, EMDR makes them just memories no feeling attached sigh what a relief :)

 

[intothelight]

Hi Sally Sue,

Welcome to the forum! :)

I've started hating who I've become! I don't want to be this person, anxious, afraid, always waiting for the next shoe to fall... I used to be so much more balanced!

As you read through posts, you will find that is a common theme. It is almost like an alien suddenly took up residence and we are not who we used to be. Many times with EMDR things will get worse before they get better, but they do get better.

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial to your healing.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[Sally sue]

Thank you :) I really do appreciate the support and the sense of normalcy!

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hello Sally Sue -

Glad you are feeling better - It is great to have this community who is here for us when we need it.

Glad too that what I said was able to help you understand about not being able to find a bad person :happy:

It was a great lesson when I learned it.

Keep on going toward the light of your own beauty -

Namaste - Laurie