It's like I can even see the body language changing......anger/hate in eyes and that clenched teeth that people do.....But what truly scares me to death is when you hear the change in the voice of the person shouting.
It's difficult to see the person as safe person after that.
It's really great to hear about your son!!Meant to answer this earlier, I was having a bad month...
It took my son about 3 years to not associate all kinds of yelling with LOOKOUT!, and all kinds of loud anger -including his own, and himself- as abusive/dangerous.
It did NOT help that I get very quiet when I get angry. Not timid quiet, but lock someone’s joints up and throw them out of the house, wink & dust my hands off; or purring quiet if I’m warning someone. So his experience was that his dad was this big loud rage monster, and the person who protected him he didn’t even see AS getting angry.
It probably did not help -although it may have? I suspect not. Since the triggers and stressors I have no control over at my parents just get worse and worse, I’d expect a similar thing for him- that we were staying at my parents for those years, and my mom is always screaming about something, at least a few times a day. (Operatically trained, the woman has pipes). My mom’s not abusive, she’s just LOUD. She’s the primary reason a rule in MY house is “When is it okay to yell? When there’s danger, or you’re far away.” ((Which doesn’t mean it’s he only time, it just means if you want to be screaming & cheering at the ballgame, or in the pool? Ask or let people know you’re about to be super loud having fun.)) Because bitching/moaning/caterwauling annoys the ever loving f*ck outta me. No trigger/stressor, I just don’t like it.
What HELPED THE MOST was joining the football team. Short concentrated bouts of both yelling AND directed anger, that he knew exactly when it was going to happen, and for how long, and was tied to explosive bursts of energy. ((I often wonder how much the yelling in bootcamp is really combat prep, and how much is deprogramming the abused kids that flood the services.)) In less than 3 months over spring training? He was over 80% sorted on his yelling & anger triggers. By the end of summer, it takes him being sick, or stressed out about something else, for other peoples loudness or anger to punch him in the gut.
That very much tracks for my own dealing with triggers/stressors. Most are blunted down to nerf-level or totally gone inside of about 6mo. A few sort really quickly, in days/weeks; a few hang on for years... but most, that I’m actively working on sorting are dealt with in 6mo or less.
It really is helpful when people around and person himself can identify the behaviour.
...I totally relate to this. I just tend to feel quite protective of the person who I see is being shouted at. ...would you usually get in between.....and sometimes after that, few days later it would just suddenly get to me and I would be a mess..Have been dealing with this as well as anger and rage. What I've recently learned is I don't know how I will respond. Neighbor was having a shouting match in their back yard. I went into the house frightened and struggling not to dissociate. Man, rather large, was shouting at small woman about having to mask up in the store. I felt anger and ready to step between them. Say anger as I didn't feel out of control. Another similar event in a restaurant and I thought I was feeling anger but suddenly totally shaking, anxious and knew lose of control was about to happen. Made it to my car. Hard to explain if you didn't hear it was all the same decibels.
Not new to PTSD, unfortunately. But this is such a change from my old, *familiar* response! So I very much appreciate your info.
I tend to provoke the other person at this point too..... it's just ...When I'm shouted at I really tend to provoke further and find something that makes the person lose it for good.
For me it gets like ... I'm crying and provoking and shouting....and thinking what is wrong with me..
Appreciate your response!
I'm learning and working to resolve this as well.