I don't like when someone shouts at me.

Jazmine

New Here
But what truly scares me to death is when you hear the change in the voice of the person shouting.
It's like I can even see the body language changing......anger/hate in eyes and that clenched teeth that people do.....
It's difficult to see the person as safe person after that.

Meant to answer this earlier, I was having a bad month...


It took my son about 3 years to not associate all kinds of yelling with LOOKOUT!, and all kinds of loud anger -including his own, and himself- as abusive/dangerous.

It did NOT help that I get very quiet when I get angry. Not timid quiet, but lock someone’s joints up and throw them out of the house, wink & dust my hands off; or purring quiet if I’m warning someone. So his experience was that his dad was this big loud rage monster, and the person who protected him he didn’t even see AS getting angry.

It probably did not help -although it may have? I suspect not. Since the triggers and stressors I have no control over at my parents just get worse and worse, I’d expect a similar thing for him- that we were staying at my parents for those years, and my mom is always screaming about something, at least a few times a day. (Operatically trained, the woman has pipes). My mom’s not abusive, she’s just LOUD. She’s the primary reason a rule in MY house is “When is it okay to yell? When there’s danger, or you’re far away.” ((Which doesn’t mean it’s he only time, it just means if you want to be screaming & cheering at the ballgame, or in the pool? Ask or let people know you’re about to be super loud having fun.)) Because bitching/moaning/caterwauling annoys the ever loving f*ck outta me. No trigger/stressor, I just don’t like it.

What HELPED THE MOST was joining the football team. Short concentrated bouts of both yelling AND directed anger, that he knew exactly when it was going to happen, and for how long, and was tied to explosive bursts of energy. ((I often wonder how much the yelling in bootcamp is really combat prep, and how much is deprogramming the abused kids that flood the services.)) In less than 3 months over spring training? He was over 80% sorted on his yelling & anger triggers. By the end of summer, it takes him being sick, or stressed out about something else, for other peoples loudness or anger to punch him in the gut.

That very much tracks for my own dealing with triggers/stressors. Most are blunted down to nerf-level or totally gone inside of about 6mo. A few sort really quickly, in days/weeks; a few hang on for years... but most, that I’m actively working on sorting are dealt with in 6mo or less.
It's really great to hear about your son!! 🌸🌸🌸
It really is helpful when people around and person himself can identify the behaviour.

Have been dealing with this as well as anger and rage. What I've recently learned is I don't know how I will respond. Neighbor was having a shouting match in their back yard. I went into the house frightened and struggling not to dissociate. Man, rather large, was shouting at small woman about having to mask up in the store. I felt anger and ready to step between them. Say anger as I didn't feel out of control. Another similar event in a restaurant and I thought I was feeling anger but suddenly totally shaking, anxious and knew lose of control was about to happen. Made it to my car. Hard to explain if you didn't hear it was all the same decibels.

Not new to PTSD, unfortunately. But this is such a change from my old, *familiar* response! So I very much appreciate your info.
...I totally relate to this. I just tend to feel quite protective of the person who I see is being shouted at. ...would you usually get in between.....and sometimes after that, few days later it would just suddenly get to me and I would be a mess..

When I'm shouted at I really tend to provoke further and find something that makes the person lose it for good.
I tend to provoke the other person at this point too..... it's just ...
For me it gets like ... I'm crying and provoking and shouting....and thinking what is wrong with me..😅

Appreciate your response! 🌸🌸🌸
I'm learning and working to resolve this as well.
 

Jazmine

New Here
I can't stand when people shout at me, but I remember there was a period where I was so angry, and if anyone seemed threatening to me or I felt unsafe around someone, I would become very very angry and shout. It wasn't because I wanted to hurt anyone, I was hurting inside because I was through a long period where nobody would listen to what I had to say or listen to anytime I shared my story. Over time the anger wore off thankfully and I was relieved of it because it honestly wore me out so much. Anytime I was angry, I ended up taking long naps, waking up, and crying. In the end, I ended up isolating myself from people because I was scared of my own self. It took me a long time to realize what was even going on or that I was dealing with PTSD, but later on, it made perfect sense to me. I ended up apologizing to those who I yelled at and explained to them what I was going through and that it wasn't right for me to come off the way I did.
True, it can be frustrating when a person feels that they don't have a healthy outlet for emotions. And it's really awesome that you were able to recognise what was going on.🌼🌼🌼
 

grief

Sponsor
i was a very sensitive teenager and young adult. when i had just escaped my circumstances and did not truly possess my armor. the last time that i cried was when a colleague yelled at me in front of the entire office of the first job i ever held. i felt like i was a grown man, crying over nothing. these days i am generally impervious to emotions. it has its downfalls. but i no longer lose my composure.
 

Waterbear

Learning
Raised voices of any kind terrify me and spark all kinds of feelings, even if they aren't anything to do with me. I hate it. I wish it would roll off me like it seems to with others but it doesn't. It upsets me deeply (not sure if it's a sad upset or some other type of upset). Even children shouting at each other in the park is enough to have me running for the hills....
 

Starfire

Confident
I had a phase where I was very shouty and intimidating because it was the only way I found to defend myself. Over time and under more pressure hearing others shouting still trigger rage, but instead of responding I get cold rage and snap just at once. Not nice. If I'm still in control I'd say something clenched like "if you continue shouting I will leave", or I just leave. Otherwise I know I have a potential for escalation.

But yeah I don't think anyone primarily likes to be shouted at. It is intimidating. But what truly scares me to death is when you hear the change in the voice of the person shouting. That's where I draw the line between yelling and screaming. Yelling is a way to make yourself louder. Not nice buy bleh. Shouting is already a level above with generally some form of overpowering will. Screaming is where the voice starts to tear off, either because of rage or fear. It's not necessarily louder. But sure it's terrifying. It's the moment the person in front of you is really freaking the f*ck out. And from there who knows what kind of shit can happen? It's the sign of very serious aggression going on, from or towards the person who's screaming. Also different types, but always some fear involved in it, even when aggressive. It's a sound that is made to be scary and activating just as a baby crying sound is unbearable. It's wired in us.

I can't stand people raising their voice in a conversation but the krav maga trainer shouting at everyone to make us run I find it quite soothing actually. You are certain it's a shouting that hasn't any consequence. All that you get is that you're sweaty and exhausted. You don't have to think about what you have to do with yourself. You're told to run, then you run. It's simple. That simplicity feels safe. (In places that are safe. I don't know if I can tolerate true military training but I defo get that some might look after it for these reasons as Friday pointed. In a club you have given your consent to be shouted at. That changes everything).

When I'm shouted at I really tend to provoke further and find something that makes the person lose it for good. God knows why, I think it's a tactic to cancel the threat and finally having the real thing, but it isn't a very good strategy in life. I can't always manage that it will not happen, but I can now identify small moments I actually can decide not to act as I would normally do. Self scanning, are you sweating, is it rampaging, it can be very short but there is always some kind of internal curve and it's your window to pick to replace a response by another. Feeling the emotional flashback arising, you leave the room or wherever you are so you avoid the peak. Then that window gets a big longer. And so and on until it reduces.

Also seeing people shouting in films did help. Any kind of safe exposure. Plus you can turn the volume down. You have control. Replace a narrative with another. Layer masks while you're sorting yourself out inside.

Some like to listen to heavy metal. Not personally my cup of tea. But music that is an aggressive wall of sound has a good potential of desensitizing to loudness. I'm more sensitive to certain frequencies than anothers. Perhaps narrowing down the yelling problem you can try to identify what kind of yelling you have a problem with, what's its context, what responses you find would be appropriate, assess if your response is appropriate (it's always possible) and so and on... So instead of having one big generalized trigger you can have more precise triggers and eventually be able to anticipate them. If it makes sense?
Thank you. Like the self scanning. Swear you were in my T session today! A slight twist. Was never allowed to be angry. Perhaps one reason react so to shouting. Sure PTSD is in there too. For some reason it's become acceptable to be angry at what happened to me. But never learned how to be angry. So it's becoming explosive. 0 to 60. Fortunately not at other people. My T compared it to learning to tie my shoes. Obviously pre Velcro! Thank you.
 

Waterbear

Learning
Thank you. Like the self scanning. Swear you were in my T session today! A slight twist. Was never allowed to be angry. Perhaps one reason react so to shouting. Sure PTSD is in there too. For some reason it's become acceptable to be angry at what happened to me. But never learned how to be angry. So it's becoming explosive. 0 to 60. Fortunately not at other people. My T compared it to learning to tie my shoes. Obviously pre Velcro! Thank you.
Love your statement "for some reason it's become acceptable to be angry at what happened to me". I am there with you. Never learnt how to manage anger as a teenage. As a young adult the only way I got by was to stuff it all away, and have continue to do so until the last couple of years. Anger? No, not me. Not ever. Through therapy I am trying to learn, like you. Good luck with it!
 

Friday

Moderator
It's difficult to see the person as safe person after that.
Difficult... doesn’t mean impossible. Which allows for judgement.

Judgment gets a bad rap, these days, which I reeeeeeally don’t understand, as someone who has to work really hard to use good judgment. ((It’s not my forte. My snap judgments? Are nearly always badass, and true as hell. But my considered judgments need work. So that’s what I do, day in and day out, I pay attention. Which is also how I know my snap judgments work, but my considered judgments suck.).

Of course, I also view no one on the planet as a “safe person”. We’re, all of us, dangerous. Just to varying degrees. At least by my way of thinking.

Correction. By “no one”? I’m. Not including human-vegetables. Everyone else is dangerous. Kids run out into the street, so-called-pacifists never learn to deal with their temper and beat their wives to death, etc. Many people, who generally rate as “relatively harmless” shout the sky down on a regular basis, or swear the air blue, or kick shit, etc. They have a tried and true method for dealing with their anger, and it’s not by directing it at PEOPLE. <<< That’s my mom, by the by. As I mentioned earlier, it took my kid yeeeeears to learn that nothing/zip/nada/zilch follows her screaming her head off about whatever random bullshit has pissed her off/ hurt her feelings/ etc. The sum total of her anger? ENDS in yelling. It annoys the ever loving crap outta me (my dad loves it. OMFG. The sparkle he still gets in his eye when she’s popping off??? It’s practically “get a room”. He was a fairly powerful man, and she was the only one for decades to ever read him the riot act. It’s flirting, for them. Except when it isn’t. But even then? “The pepper, in the soup of marriage.” Not within 3 football fields of abuse, or verbal abuse. Truly. It’s bizarre, if you’ve ever lived with verbal abuse, but it’s still maybe 90% of the “yellers” I’ve known. Decrease the volume? And it’s a normal conversation. They’re just effing loud.
 

Starfire

Confident
Difficult... doesn’t mean impossible. Which allows for judgement.

Judgment gets a bad rap, these days, which I reeeeeeally don’t understand, as someone who has to work really hard to use good judgment. ((It’s not my forte. My snap judgments? Are nearly always badass, and true as hell. But my considered judgments need work. So that’s what I do, day in and day out, I pay attention. Which is also how I know my snap judgments work, but my considered judgments suck.).

Of course, I also view no one on the planet as a “safe person”. We’re, all of us, dangerous. Just to varying degrees. At least by my way of thinking.

Correction. By “no one”? I’m. Not including human-vegetables. Everyone else is dangerous. Kids run out into the street, so-called-pacifists never learn to deal with their temper and beat their wives to death, etc. Many people, who generally rate as “relatively harmless” shout the sky down on a regular basis, or swear the air blue, or kick shit, etc. They have a tried and true method for dealing with their anger, and it’s not by directing it at PEOPLE. <<< That’s my mom, by the by. As I mentioned earlier, it took my kid yeeeeears to learn that nothing/zip/nada/zilch follows her screaming her head off about whatever random bullshit has pissed her off/ hurt her feelings/ etc. The sum total of her anger? ENDS in yelling. It annoys the ever loving crap outta me (my dad loves it. OMFG. The sparkle he still gets in his eye when she’s popping off??? It’s practically “get a room”. He was a fairly powerful man, and she was the only one for decades to ever read him the riot act. It’s flirting, for them. Except when it isn’t. But even then? “The pepper, in the soup of marriage.” Not within 3 football fields of abuse, or verbal abuse. Truly. It’s bizarre, if you’ve ever lived with verbal abuse, but it’s still maybe 90% of the “yellers” I’ve known. Decrease the volume? And it’s a normal conversation. They’re just effing loud.
Agree. You are working at it, tho. You care about the people you interact with. Others just know screaming gets them what they want. They win the disagreement, scare others into backing down. dominate. It takes two to bring a reasonable resolution. Unfortunately, lot of unreasonable, got to win people.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
It's like I can even see the body language changing......anger/hate in eyes and that clenched teeth that people do.....
It's difficult to see the person as safe person after that.


It's really great to hear about your son!! 🌸🌸🌸
It really is helpful when people around and person himself can identify the behaviour.


...I totally relate to this. I just tend to feel quite protective of the person who I see is being shouted at. ...would you usually get in between.....and sometimes after that, few days later it would just suddenly get to me and I would be a mess..


I tend to provoke the other person at this point too..... it's just ...
For me it gets like ... I'm crying and provoking and shouting....and thinking what is wrong with me..😅

Appreciate your response! 🌸🌸🌸
I'm learning and working to resolve this as well.
I lie awake and I hear their voices change. They are drunk and I’m very afraid he will hurt my mother and me. He used to sit around drunk with the rifle loaded. I was 14 or so but this went on a few years . I had ptsd already but this really caused such severe disassociation.
 

Jazmine

New Here
Difficult... doesn’t mean impossible. Which allows for judgement.

Judgment gets a bad rap, these days, which I reeeeeeally don’t understand, as someone who has to work really hard to use good judgment. ((It’s not my forte. My snap judgments? Are nearly always badass, and true as hell. But my considered judgments need work. So that’s what I do, day in and day out, I pay attention. Which is also how I know my snap judgments work, but my considered judgments suck.).

Of course, I also view no one on the planet as a “safe person”. We’re, all of us, dangerous. Just to varying degrees. At least by my way of thinking.

Correction. By “no one”? I’m. Not including human-vegetables. Everyone else is dangerous. Kids run out into the street, so-called-pacifists never learn to deal with their temper and beat their wives to death, etc. Many people, who generally rate as “relatively harmless” shout the sky down on a regular basis, or swear the air blue, or kick shit, etc. They have a tried and true method for dealing with their anger, and it’s not by directing it at PEOPLE. <<< That’s my mom, by the by. As I mentioned earlier, it took my kid yeeeeears to learn that nothing/zip/nada/zilch follows her screaming her head off about whatever random bullshit has pissed her off/ hurt her feelings/ etc. The sum total of her anger? ENDS in yelling. It annoys the ever loving crap outta me (my dad loves it. OMFG. The sparkle he still gets in his eye when she’s popping off??? It’s practically “get a room”. He was a fairly powerful man, and she was the only one for decades to ever read him the riot act. It’s flirting, for them. Except when it isn’t. But even then? “The pepper, in the soup of marriage.” Not within 3 football fields of abuse, or verbal abuse. Truly. It’s bizarre, if you’ve ever lived with verbal abuse, but it’s still maybe 90% of the “yellers” I’ve known. Decrease the volume? And it’s a normal conversation. They’re just effing loud.
I agree.
What I have also know is that a person can give himself 'the talk' - basically saying that 'its fine, that's just how they speak, it's their way' what I mean basically understanding that other person IS just like that, and probably will remain so, even after this 'acceptance', and understanding it intellectually.....why still sometimes things like this gets to me.
 
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