I don't trust anyone

[Finchlet2]

I have been a member of this forum twice in the last three years, for just under a year each time but I think this is the first time I am about to succeed in typing I was gang raped every other weekend from the age of six to eight by a group of five "photographers" who had beguile my superficial mother with portfolios and promises of her eldest child being the star that I NEVER EVER wanted to be. Twenty eight and many prolonged harsh life lessons later including being waterboarded and I am moving past the pain and genuinely getting over the abuse but what traps me in exhausting circles every day is everyone in my life has abandoned me from day one by not listening to what was happening cue selective mute ness and as an adult I think my feralness and basically not knowing wtf I disappeared to has caused friends to leave my side and I never had a boyfriend before hubby. I am a different person now I let people in and give of myself generously in social situations but life doesn't just stop throwing shit at you and I've realised just cos I have other adults I fully respect in my life for the first time doesn't mean they'll do jack shit in a crisis. Recently they've let me go through shit there's no way I'd allow to happen to any of them whilst there is still breath in my body so am left wondering why I'm never good enough to stick by or protect even to people whos back I've had during rough times and even now that I have dealt with so many behavioural projections of my own shit. I give give give loved ones all my time and energy daily and yet still when life come at me with a machete I'm fully aware no c*nt's gonna even get up of the sofa. It's so heartbreaking to be the most on top of the trauma I've ever been only to be losing hope of ever trusting anyone.

 

[ladee]

I am glad you are trying again. That is a fighter spirit to be very proud of. I hope you find some here you trust. Tho we won't be with you in real life, it's a good place to start. I, too, have been abandoned by people I thought loved me, as many here have. Sometimes being here helps us to know what to look for in real friends.

Sometimes we just pick crappy friends and don't know it until we need one of them, and poof, they are gone.. glad you are here and shared what is going on... hope someone here can help you to turn that hopeless feeling around. Glad you are here.

 

[Hopeforlife]

I could have written this post myself about the feelings of abandonment. My husband is the only person who would stand by me and I take comfort from that. I live in hope that one day I will meet that friend that has my back as much as I have theirs. I wish you well.

 

[Clinging on]

I simply don' trust anybody

 

[Mee]

I trust my husband. It was hard won. I am terrified after the year we have had it will be too much for him and I have considered leaving him so he can be free from the pressure.

Trust is something, like meaningful respect, that has to be earned. I have seen my trust destroyed repeatedly; I am nnot prepared to give it away. The way I manage this is to live very truthfully, with as much petsonal authenticity as I can muster ( I admit the anxiety and panic can challenge that a lot) And with integrity. I cannot change them. But I can control me and what I do about it.

 

[One step at a time]

You are strong and brave. You deserve friends who are strong and brave, too. And loyal and kind.

Sounds like you learned trust by practicing on the people around you. Now you get to pick who you trust (and how far or for what or at what times), and who you don't trust (as much, at times, at all).

Sending support. Glad you are choosing to reach out here.

 

[Freida]

The people who are the best at handling other people's emergency and crisis are often the ones who get left behind when their own lives fall apart. I've come to terms with this by realizing that everyone has a role to play....and when the problem solver (you) are in crisis it scares the crap out of people. So they refuse to admit that you are having an issue -- or that they need to help you. Because that' not how they see you. You are the one who helps them -- the idea that you also can break? To much for them to handle. After all -- If they can't help themselves, how will they help you?. So they bail. And it SUCKS!

It's not a trust thing...it's a human nature thing.... That doesn't make it better --but it can make it more understandable.

 

[MyWillow]

The people who are the best at handling other people's emergency and crisis are often the ones who get l...

Holy crap. This is so me right now. No one can handle that I'm struggling.

 

[Lionheart]

Learning when and who to trust comes with time and even then, the best of us can be fooled. People will sometimes let ya down and that is a sad statement about human nature.

All I know is that the anger will eat you up inside if you carry it around with you. This is a good place to vent all that anger and rage, to let go of what you can of it, and to find more trustworthy, (hopefully), companions.

I too have been let down, betrayed, and abandoned, (by those who were supposed to love and protect me too), and I just want to say that I wish it was some other way.

Fortunately, I have found the people here to be very empathic, caring, and supportive... I have been a member here for 9 years and I have built some trusting and caring friendships, tho' via internet they may be,...it is still good to learn and to know that not everyone will run out on me. I hope you will also have good experience with the members here. Though some may, not everyone will run away or let you down. Some are genuinely trustworthy.

 

[Lilminks2]

I have been a member of this forum twice in the last three years, for just under a year each time but...

Thank you for having the courage to express your feelings about how ptsd makes us unable to trust others. Why should we? We are not like them.

I too often wonder why there is never anyone there for us when we need help, a hug, a good laugh or a shoulder to cry on. I too wondered whether we were hexed before birth and sheved out into a world of evil with both arms tied behind our backs, trying to keep our minds from thinking the way so many of what was family and friend now think. We can not think like them because we do experience empathy, compassion and can believe in ourself and we have the ability to love others and not just ourselves. People matter. We All matter. We live in a "Me" world, where everyone we encounter just wants something from us. To give to them what they will not give to themselves. I have given up family and what use to be friends because there is not enough of "Me" to take care of all of them and besides, it is not my job. I now have no problem letting others know I am not their meal ticket, a bank, a sucker to abuse, or a buddy or family member in their "Me" world. They think having ptsd means that we are crazy, mindless, out of whack, totally messed up and totally blind to the fact that they choose to live in a "Me" world. Of course we do not trust others. We do not expect anything from others, as we have all learned. Others do not know what we experience or what triggers us nor do they care. It is easier for others to try and victimize others to their benefit because they lack insight, courage, hope, strength and self respect. "They just don't Get It" and I know they never will. How could they possibly understand why they are the way they are without any insight. In the "Me" world, you don't need any insight because you expect everyone else to think and do for you, you don't need self respect because you surely do not respect yourself, so how could they respect anyone else. The fact that they don't need to recognize social norms, conduct themselves with dignity, honesty and integrity. I chose to live in "Our" world where love, trust, courage, self respect, common courtesy, integrity and helping those who truly need help. I chose to move on and let the past be the past. It is difficult to deal with the triggers each and everyday, but we can and we do. I am so not into helping those who chose not to care about anyone besides themselves. Is it their greed or am I also being sucked into the "Me" only Club? I pray not.
It is too hard for them to be "us" because we live our lives with our eyes wide open. We believe in ourselves and others. Trust is earned and we don't just expect it. This is why we have little trust because they have not yet earned any. Please do not allow disrespectful people to doubt yourself or make you feel that the issue is you. It is not your place to make them change. You know your strengths. Use them, move on and pray for all those list souls in the "Me" world.