I Don't Want To Do It But I Can't Stop The Thoughts Anymore

[Tinyflame]

And Dear @GWhizz- there's your H. :( And if he's an ex (not sure?) do you really want your son to go there?

And you are right- except not just every birthday would bother him, but maybe every sunday, or time it rains, or when someone has your color eyes. No one can 'get over' this kind of thing. Everyone left behind feels unwanted & 'deficient'. They learn hopelessness.

Sometimes the biggest thing we can do for others is not give in to what we want for ourselves, for their sake. It would devastate them. There's a living way out of this. :hug: From what I know you are a GREAT person & mom.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I od'd and got taken to the ER. It was the help I needed. I was dissociated, are you right now? I have done many life threatening acts while dissociated. There isn't a day that goes by that the thought of suicide slips into my head. Every f#^*ing day. Now I'm less dissociated due to an antipsychotic med. I know you want help and it hasn't been taken seriously. Is there a crisis center near you? If not please take your whole self to the ER. Don't sugarcoat it. This is real and your pain is too much. Say that to everyone you talk to.
Hold a picture of your beloved son don't let it go. Look at what love can do. There is real love for you. And you love back.
Please post back that you are going to crisis or ER.

 

[Jane.l]

@GWhizz how are things today ?

 

[GWhizz]

I'm sorry if my original post was upsetting or triggering to any members. I guess I overlooked the community guidelines/rules somewhat when I signed up to this site initially. I realise I shouldn't have said all that I did so publicly. I had just assumed I was posting in the correct forum and if I've broken any of the rules I truly apologize for this. I'm sorry I cannot answer anyone's questions right now. I am trying to hold back overwhelming thoughts and feelings. All I can say is that I never envisioned myself feeling this way one year back from now. I want help I want to feel better. But the services right now have made me feel so invalidated that I have now shut down my ability to even rationalize this or to trust that anyone could genuinely or legitimately help me, without thinking I'm attention seeking etc. On top of that they refused to write me up for my regular sertraline prescription in case I do overdose again (talk about hypocritical) and so I'm experiencing intense withdrawals

 

[Tinyflame]

It's ok @GWhizz . To trust someone else when you realize you can't keep yourself safe easily. No (never) any condemnation from this end.

You have recognized some big things! That's progress ! :tup:

Hugs & prayers for you (if that's ok) that you get great help. You can get through this. Please be kind to yourself. :hug:

 

[Jane.l]

Wish I had some great words of comfort or wisdom for you - all I can say is that a lot of us here will understand where you are standing right now and we are here for you .

Are you in therapy now or has that not worked out for you ?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Gwhizz I'm glad you posted what you did. I guess I should reread the rules ??? Anyhow, somebody over there needs to get off their a^* and help you settle. Not very bright of them to withdraw your meds. I just spent the day with my 30 year old daughter and it was lovely, I am glad my overdose failed twenty years ago. She still needs me warts and all and I am so proud of her. She donates her free time to volunteer at the animal shelter in Boston. I'm glad I got to see her fly on her own. Be kind to you, things will get better, they always do.

 

[GWhizz]

I am in therapy. I was simply looking for some help from the psych to help me to learn to cope with / reduce the flashbacks etc. I am a 28 year old woman with a loving partner and a beautiful baby boy. I do not want to hurt them. If they weren't in the picture I would not have sought any help. I do not want to be this selfish. But the reliving of past abuse is overcoming me so badly. How can I try to be a good mum if I have a flashback just changing my little boy's nappy or bathing him for example? How can I be intimate with my partner or even go to sleep beside him without feeling my abusers are there? There comes a point where you lose hope that it'll go away. I moved away from my abusers. I got my life together. I thought I was over it. Now it's impeding my most basic functioning in my personal life. I put on a front/mask in work or with certain friends. I learned to do this in order to survive years ago and to feel somewhat normal. @Jane.l my mood is so erratic, esp since they have me cold turkey off the lustral. I'm a nurse - I know that there is approx a 3wk period when titrating/weaning such meds may increase suicidal ideation. I have complained about this poor professional decision and they now agreed to dole me out meds every few days, though they're hardly forthcoming with this help. I'm literally having to chase them down to shout and advocate for myself. I have enough on my plate with a small child and full time job etc let alone having to tell these people how to do their jobs! Why did I feel 100 times worse after seeing a psych last Tues? Why did she bluntly ask me about sexual abuse after promising not to ask invasive questions on our 1st meeting, that it was only a basic assessment, that that stuff could wait until we got to know one another better? After a lot of back and forth arguing between the psych team and my partner, I am now booked to be reassessed this wed. But I'm terrified she'll make me feel crap again. And on top of this she now has beef with my partner as he flipped out at her for telling me I was fine when he only saved my life last wk - grrr, the last 2 wks have been a living nightmare for me. :bored: Thank you all for your comments, I do appreciate them even if I still feel the same as before :brb:

 

[Jane.l]

Ok firstly there is nothing selfish about trying to get yourself some help - ptsd is not something you can endure on your own - it can be a living nightmare literally . It must be really tough having a little one and trying to cope - I was lucky mine had got past that most reliant stage before the ptsd really kicked in. Must be so hard to manage all that you do .

Therapy needs to be at your speed - nobody can make you talk if you are not ready to talk about 'things ' this is about you not them .

 

[ghotiff]

From what you write, the ER does not feel like an option for you right now.

Some alternatives
- quit your job. If you did leave the world you wouldn't be providing income anyway
- book yourself into an in-patient treatment centre. Take a loan to pay for it if you need to.
- pretend you have the flu, take a week off work and treat yourself as if you have a massive flu by staying in bed, watching TV and eating lots of soup (this approach helps me)
- find a new T. Don't get rid of your current one, but find a new one to talk to about your suicidal thoughts. Don't tell this new T about your trauma (other than that it exists) so you can limit your sessions about your current issues and leave the past in the past for a bit.

Just some thoughts that might give you some ideas for things that might help.

Thinking of you.

 

[Jane.l]

Also what is the logic behind taking you off meds when you feel most in need ? No wonder you feel no one is listening .

 

[scout86]

Why did she bluntly ask me about sexual abuse after promising not to ask invasive questions on our 1st meeting,

That right there was enough to make me wish I could hop on a plane and chew her out in person. Where do they find these people? Sounds like your partner had every right to be upset with her.

@GWhizz I know it's hard, but hang in there until you get the help you need and deserve. I wish it wasn't so hard!