I Don't Want To Do It But I Can't Stop The Thoughts Anymore

[NovemberStar]

@GWhizz I very much relate to being ignored and dismissed by the emergency psych system. That happened to me a year ago and I'm still recovering from the experience. I'm in the middle of writing an official complaint about the treatment (ie LACK OF IT) over the past 3 years but especially the last year.

Like you, I no longer feel I can reach out, no matter how bad or strong the suicidal thoughts are. There seems to be nothing less devastating to feel suicidal, to reach out to PROFESSIONALS who SHOULD know how to respond, only to be completely ignored, dismissed, invalidated.

I truly feel your pain on that one.

There is always a helpline to phone however - it's anonymous. I've rung them once and the kindness at the end of the phone changed my tears of despair to tears of feeling cared for.

My mother died when I was 10. Growing up without a mother is a life sentence for a child no matter their age. Going to school and having no mother sets you apart from the other children and you are teased horrifically for it (I was told 'haha your mother is in the ground with worms and maggots!').

If you can't feel like fighting for herself, you need to do it for your son. He will blame himself when he is older.

I'm really struggling myself right now with suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. My T is going away for 5 weeks (we have one more session), and I just found out the support that's been helping me is being withdrawn - as of yesterday - when I really needed it to be there for another week - my Psych Dr is away for 2 weeks, my new caseworker works Sunday to thursday, and at the moment I feel it is just too devastating to have the mobile respite taken away for the fri and sat nights I've been using them - right on the day my T leaves. I'll have no one fri and sat and it is severely depressing me. That and I HATE spring and summer and the winter is mild and it's becoming spring a month early.

Anyway - the point of sharing all that is - I like the ideas @ghotiff suggested - I'm staying in bed today. Online, watching utube videos (documentaries) and at the moment eating sugar is the best drug I have. It sedated me, comforts me, triggers a slight high just so the awful depression lifts to make it a plain old unmotivated low mood and not care about much of anything.

Maybe some of those ideas will be helpful for you too - way I see it is - it can't hurt to try, not when it feels like the only other option is suicide.

'Dead' lasts forever (as far as we know). That's a pretty long time in the bigger picture. So while just TODAY feels so awful and hard to imagine getting through it - you can't compare it to the forever of 'dead'.

The other thing about that that stops me is - what if 'dead' isn't any better - what if it is worse? In that you retain all the awful feelings but are in a no mans land alone, and stuck like THAT, forever :eek:

Suddenly 'today' and the notion I am feeling this awful TODAY doesn't seem as bad when I compare it to 'forever'.

Keep posting your feelings. I STRONGLY encourage you to talk to a friend, loved one, family member and tell them what is going on and ask them to support you in getting the help you need. Often the psych system seem to act in a better way if we have someone to go with us. Having a witness to their failings and inadequacies seems to get us 'heard' more than if we try to approach it alone.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I guess I overlooked the community guidelines/rules somewhat when I signed up to this site initially. I realise I shouldn't have said all that I did so publicly. I had just assumed I was posting in the correct forum and if I've broken any of the rules I truly apologize for this.

Rule 9...You are confusing suicidal ideation which is acceptable and suicidal postings, which is not.

 

[GWhizz]

@Ayesha thanks for clarifying. Honestly I didn't mean to upset anyone with this. Point taken

 

[GWhizz]

Also what is the logic behind taking you off meds when you feel most in need ? No wonder you feel no one is listening .

Exactly! The system is just so frustrating. Hence why I will not go near the ED or hospital in general. I don't even blame the staff. It's the lack of resources which means they must categorise people as low, mod, high risk etc. And of course, they won't always get it right. I know I even put on a face sometimes with them but this time I was feeling so desperate I poured my heart out only to get zero reaction

 

[catjudo]

Why did she bluntly ask me about sexual abuse after promising not to ask invasive questions on our 1st meeting, that it was only a basic assessment, that that stuff could wait until we got to know one another better?

Unfortunately, I think many consider just asking IF there is a history of sexual abuse to be a basic question. Somehow they think that if they're just asking if there is a history but not asking you to talk about it that it does qualify as just basic background info. I've seen it on so many basic, new patient questionnaires or had it asked as a basic interview question. For those of us who have experienced sexual trauma, even this basic question feels invasive and not basic.

pretend you have the flu, take a week off work and treat yourself as if you have a massive flu by staying in bed, watching TV and eating lots of soup (this approach helps me)

I've done a variation of this before, at the recommendation of my psychiatrist, and at the time it helped immensely. When my daughter was young and I was walking that fine line of possibly needing to be hospitalized but was desperate not to have to go there...my doc suggested I bring in a nanny for a week or two, tell her and anyone else I might have obligations to that I was sick with bronchitis and then just allow myself to stay in bed and rest the same as I would if I had a physical illness. As I started to feel rested and stronger I would take short, fun trips out of the house by myself (meet a friend for coffee, go get a manicure) because the nanny was still helping to care for my daughter. It made all the difference in the world. It didn't make everything go away but it did leave me feeling strong enough that I could continue to fight the fight.

find a new T. Don't get rid of your current one, but find a new one to talk to about your suicidal thoughts. Don't tell this new T about your trauma (other than that it exists) so you can limit your sessions about your current issues and leave the past in the past for a bit.

I don't know about the healthcare system where you are or how easy/difficult this would be to do. But if it's possible, I agree that it might be a good idea worth trying.

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks @catjudo and @ghotiff I will try what I can. Unfortunately I cannot take time off work or I'd lose my income and it's already costing a quarter of our monthly income to continue to see my current T, in fact I took on some extra shifts lately to help pay for my therapy but this has only proved counterproductive. I get the whole basic part of a complete assessment, though it wasn't a complete basic assessment. She never asked about any other trauma types such as neglect, physical, emotional etc. This was one out of the blue question and when she asked it I completely broke down and so I'm sure she knows now by my reaction and my request for her not to go there, the answer to this question. I'd had her word not to broach abuse matters just then.

At the end of the day, the main issue is that they were so unwilling to offer any practical help. God help me if I were craving attention, that would be the wrong way to look for it! Honestly I do not know whether or not to go to my 2nd appt with her this Wednesday. I feel that I have to not go back so that it'd prove I wasn't attention seeking or something. I know this in itself is immature but I would much rather not have to go through any of this. I just don't know which way to turn right now. I don't feel able to beat this alone. Though I have no faith the psych services can help me either. I'm really really lost

 

[catjudo]

Unfortunately I cannot take time off work or I'd lose my income

If you did leave the world you wouldn't be providing income anyway

If you continue to push yourself beyond what you're able to endure at the moment, and you commit suicide you (and your family) will lose all of your income permanently. I don't mean to be harsh, but it's true. If taking time off of work and temporarily losing income is the only way to get the respite you need to strengthen yourself and continue fighting for your life, it is better than the alternative.

 

[GWhizz]

@catjudo I appreciate where you're coming from, though right now we would be homeless if I stopped working. My partner will be getting work in the next month or two which will be secure and permanent income. I cannot discuss much more on the matter without breaking the site's rules again sorry