I fear I will never be “perfect”

[EveHarrington]

In theory I know that perfection isn’t expected, but I feel it’s expected of me. But also I am not holding some belief that I’m the only one, I know there are many others who live lives where perfection is expected of them, too.

I feel like every mistake is a mark against me. I am down to ONE person in my life and I know that things are wearing thin. I’m at the “barely tolerable” stage.

This is why I move on from people. I know I’ll never be able to redeem myself for the mistakes I’ve made and I hate living in that “deficit” sort of state.

The best that therapy can do is dissecting each perceived flaw and making me find ONE person with that flaw who was still able to have a fabulous life in order to “prove” my brain wrong, as if this will solve everything. I swear therapy has nothing to offer, this is just pathetic. I still have the book where she made me do that. It was pure torture and I cannot read it.

I’ve been living my whole life being told that if I only fix myself then one day I’ll be able to have a good life. It was all a lie. I’d only have a “good life” one day if I lived to be 350 years old.

One day, oh one day, when you’re good enough, and you BEHAVE then you’ll be rewarded by having someone care about you and love you. But that day never comes.

I feel like I’m living life just waiting for death. Ohhh Grim Reaper, please knock on my door. No, I’m not suicidal, I’m not going to act on anything. It’s more like grief over a life that never happened. Please, just take me away, I ran out of time.

If I was never abused, I never would have been that bad little girl, and maybe my parents and siblings would have loved me.

And right now I have a crush, unrequited, as I doubt he even knows. And it’s not about chasing some guy, it’s about the pain that comes from knowing I’m so damaged that I could never bring him into my world (there are other reasons, too). It would be easier to live with being alone if I didn’t have all of my imperfections highlighted in my brain simply by having a crush. (Please no comments about how I should go for it. Even if I was perfectly fine it would be a no go as I NEVER date people I know through work, this is a hard rule and my idiot therapist doesn’t understand that it’s stupid to date at work When you know there are negative consequences should everything fail).

I think I’ll stop rambling for now. I’m tired and the only peace I get is when I sleep.

 

[arfie]

perfectionism remains one of my psycho bad girls. when my perfectionism ocd gets a hold on me, nothing in the world is perfect enough for me. i am the owner of all truth, so my definition of "perfect" is universal. there can be no peace on earth until all hail queen arfie's standards.

sigh. . .

my most recent mnemonic for remembering to lighten up is a 6 foot bullwhip i wear around my neck to play with while i contemplate the benefits of perfectionism. the play doubles as practice. it can come in right handy to have the skill to snap a soccer ball out of tree branches.

empathy, eve. perfectionism is a mean demon.

 

[Rose White]

I am unstable as all f*ck but I feel less alone reading your words. Someone understands? Sorry.

 

[Rose White]

If I was never abused, I never would have been that bad little girl, and maybe my parents and siblings would have loved me.

This. . So much this.

 

[Movingforward10]

The best that therapy can do is dissecting each perceived flaw and making me find ONE person with that flaw who was still able to have a fabulous life in order to “prove” my brain wrong, as if this will solve everything. I swear therapy has nothing to offer, this is just pathetic. I still have the book where she made me do that. It was pure torture and I cannot read it.

That's something terrible therapy!
It's not getting to the crux of the issue at all ...

If I was never abused, I never would have been that bad little girl, and maybe my parents and siblings would have loved me.

...which is this core belief. This seems like the original cause of the perfectionism? And if you're able to change this core belief then the need to be perfect won't need to be there?

 

[No More]

Being perfect leaves no room for growth.

If you are perfect at something immediately, to me that’s hollow. There’s no journey, where’s the time, and the work, and the effort. And then the acheivement, that I’ve tried at my craft again and again, until I’ve got it right.

Everyone has a flaw. Maybe even the best man in the world leaves the toilet seat up and his pants on the floor. I don’t think anyone is perfect, all the time, at everything.

Maybe it’s worth reassessing perfection. Being perfect doesn’t stop abuse. Abusers cause abuse. A lack of perfection doesn’t invite cruelty. You deserved love as a child & didn’t get it, that’s a reflection on them. Not you.


I understand not wanting to mix business & pleasure. It’s a hard and fast rule for me as well. But I don’t think anyone is so irrevocably damaged that they aren’t capable of a loving relationship.

 

[EveHarrington]

Thank you all!

I was in the midst of a bad symptom flare when I wrote that. I suspected it was due to a medication and I have since stopped taking it. My brain is already calming down quite a bit, but now I worry about different symptoms surging now that I’m not in the med. (it wasn’t a psych med.)

I will be back later this weekend I hope to respond to everyone.

 

[michelle2025]

My opinion does not matter. I will never be good enough, perfection is not good enough. I could not get the grades in school that my sister who died as an infant would have gotten had she lived. I became the perfectionist, because I was not good enough. Speaking of school, my dad kept me home one day after finding out I had perfect attendance, and a bonus was I would miss a test. His excuse was he needed someone to help plant crops, that he could have done on a weekend. My sisters got perfect school attendance.

 

[FFnerd]

Oh I fight this everyday - I felt I was never good enough for my mom’s affection, which pushed me to try to be a perfect daughter by having the best grades/talents. I thought only then could I make up for my other “inherent flaws” that made me so “hard to love”.
Truth is no human is perfect - and if there are people I love not in spite of, but because of their own flaws - why should I think that I’m so special that no one would feel the same for me and my “imperfections”?