I Feel Alone

[seaworthy]

I identify with what you wrote Real. I've known of the C-PTSD and dissociation for a long time, but have just come to a place in these last few months that it's time to get healed of the pain of the Traumas. I feel getting through my denial of the ptsd AND that I could heal from it, has left me frozen as to how to relate to anyone, even on this forum.

seaworthy

 

[gdf]

Welcome

Hi Real,

:hello:

PTSD has all kinds of little bumps, glitches and surprises. I am particularly fond of the hypervigilence and exaggerated startle reflexes...how fun to explain those to your colleagues when they pop around your office door to say hi and you jump out of your chair.

You've found a good place to explore the "unreality." Welcome to the journey. PTSD is a lot like looking at a Salvador Dali painting--it looks familiar but doesn't quite match reality and leaves you with an unsettled feeling.

Gina.

 

[GodSeeker]

Hello Real,
A warm greeting from Argentina my friend.
The mind has his bag of tricks to keep you safe. And some of these tricks are very weird. My lot is being hypervigilant all the time. You know I always like looking around, having complete awarness of people all around me and ready to run. Yes that is the word. I am always on the run and that is not different from being unreal because when I am hypervigilant I cannot interact emotionnally. It islike I werent there.
This is a great place to read from other experiences and to know that you are not alone.
GodSeeker

 

[Real]

Thanks for all the posts. I have been away from the forum for a few days. I'm visiting with family and just didn't have the strength to live in the two worlds...my ptsd world and my pretend-self family world. My family doesn't know about the struggle. They still see me as the strong one who has everything under control. What a lie. I don't have much control lately, but can't bring myself to add the dynamic that telling my family contribute to this mess.

I do have a therapist who is an expert in this kind of thing. I'm not sure what we're supposed to accomplish though. I have to remember to ask him. Am I supposed to just get back to functioning? The trauma stuff happened when I was growing up. I just began to "remember" and experience the memories in the past 9 months, although I think some of it was coming out throughout my life...in a frozen fear/terror "feelings" and crappy relationships. Am I supposed to just get to where I was 10 months ago? Back to functioning? Or will my life be better than before once this is taken care of?

I better go...it's late and I'll start rambling.
Real?

 

[Clydiechick]

Hi Real

Welcome to the forum. Jen is right, I think you have to get real. You must be on your way because you joined the forum and you are getting help? Take it slow, we are here to listen and to help. You aren't alone.

Take care
Clydiechick

 

[anni]

Hi Real,

Welcome here. I'm pretty new also, having only been here a few months. I just wished to say that the first thing one realizes is how alone you are NOT. I remember such relief that it made me cry.

I still sometimes force myself to post what I'm thinking, as silly as that sounds from how wordy I get sometimes. Its just the fear of sounding silly or intruding or not being welcome or being judged. There's none of that here, just more recognizable people like us.

Hope you keep browsing and posting. Take care,

Anni

 

[tiredmomma]

Welcome Real,

I can relate to so much, and am also new to the forums. I too find it hard to post, fear being the primary reason. When it comes to human interaction, I am totally isolated, so it's been a challenge getting back into it. I think that we will find a lot of kind, understanding, empathetic people here and that is important to every human being's existence.

I can defiantly understand not feeling real, although I have gotten a lot of my disassociation under control, and it can at times make it hard to cope (my primary coping mechanism being gone).

I want to say keep posting - to you and to myself - it's easier to run away and hide from it all, to keep functioning on that "unreal" level, but it's a house of cards for sure.

Erin

 

[ISupportHer]

Hi, I am a little late in adding a comment but I hope you are starting to see that there are others here with similar feelings. I do not want to discount your feelings of feeling alone. I just hope that you can come to the realization so many of us here have come to. There is help and healing though this community. You have to work on it but it can be so much easier when you come to know that when you are on this forum, you are NOT really alone.

ISH

 

[Real]

I'm slowly feeling less alone and would like to thank the forum for you kind words and support. I still have a long way to go in large part because I don't remember a lot of when I was real little. It seems most of my ptsd symptoms are the result of growing up with a very chaotic and abusive father and a mother who felt very stuck and so was quite passive about the whole thing. I really never thought it affected me so much.

This forum is also teaching me that it's ok to have ptsd and that it's normal for someone who has been through abuse and trauma.

 

[LotusRoot]

Hi Real -- I just joined too. I'm way on the other side of the journey, most of the bad memories walked through, but your post reminded exactly of how I was at the beginning, and how I had been for years before the other symptoms started surfacing with memories. In some ways I find that the most painful thing about ptsd, to not feel real. It is a powerful protective measure, protecting you until your ready to remember. Be gentle. Go at your own pace. Breathe deep.

We're with you.

 

[Real]

I was wondering...you said "before the other symptoms started surfacing with memories." What other "surprises" are in store for me? It really makes me scared to think what will come up and not know how it will surface. Sometimes this ptsd seems to have a life of it's own, and I'm just along for the ride. I'm just feeling scared.

 

[LotusRoot]

There are a group of different symptoms associated with ptsd. At the same time, how they surface will be as particular as you are. For me, I had been shut down for so long, the first sign of emotion was a deep deep sadness that had nothing to do with what my life was at the time. I felt like I was about to drown with sadness, and I didn't know why. Then bit parts of memory started coming through, either images or words or just these very powerful un-anchored emotions. I felt very shattered and lost and didn't know what was going on.

At first it was a relief from the 'not-real' feeling, but it was overwhelming. There wasn't a lot of talk about ptsd then, so I blamed a lot of different things -- my spouse, my job, social justice : - ) and store clerks -- then just thought I was entirely crazy.

It's a really good idea to read up on the symptoms, so you know what you're walking into. The first book that I found that helped me know what was going on was Judith Herman-Lewis "Trauma & Recovery." Plus this site has a lot of information. If you don't want to read a lot, you can probably get a list of symptoms by googling "ptsd symptoms."

It's really good to go slow and be as gentle as you can with yourself and the symptoms. I just threw myself at it, and I wish I'd been more kind. Take a break as you can, find the things that give you comfort: hot baths and walks and chocolate and music. A good therapist who really listens to you and knows ptsd. This forum.

xo lr